Manifesting Evolution In Consciousness

To Coach Is To Provoke

2012-01-24T16:02:00.000-05:00

A prospective client had recently called me and wanted to know how and what techniques I used in my coaching. There are lots of fancy words, techniques, methods, and names of other leaders in the field that coaches use in their conversations. When I first started doing this work, I wanted to use the most sophisticated language to describe what I did thinking that the more complicated and fancy it sounded, the easier it would be to impress a potential client and hopefully get them to become an actual one.

The past year I have spent a lot of time re-discovering the value of the coaching I practice. I have learned that in the most severe cases where a client is deeply stuck in whatever it is they are going through, it is my disbelief that they are truly stuck that helps them move forward. Simply, put, I don’t buy the picture they have drawn for me. I buy that that is what they believe they have, but the reality is far from the picture in their hands. In other words, I don’t go down the rabbit hole with them.

Let’s take 3 independent stories about procrastination as an example:

She wanted to come up with a plan to tackle the tasks at hand. She mentioned that she had been procrastinating. It sounded simple enough, typical coaching material. When we went deeper, she realized that she was procrastinating, because she was depressed, things were not going well in other areas of her life, she couldn’t tackle the tasks because she was standing on shaky ground.

Yet another client I worked with that same day, brought up procrastination. For her it was about “order”. She couldn’t do something before she did something else. And that something else could not be done until something else was taken care of.

Today I worked with someone who was avoiding an important project, something she really cared to complete, because she was exhausted from taking care of some other things in her life. She had no energy left to finish her project.

All 3 wanted to accomplish their tasks or projects, but something (depression, belief systems or habits, other distractions, lack of confidence) got in the way. None of them had much energy or enthusiasm. These were three different women with 3 different scenarios, stuck and unable to move.

Procrastination isn’t just about putting things off and being late or finishing at the last minute. Procrastination can lead to severe inertia to the point of depression, anxiety or physical illness. There is a reason for why we don’t do what we want to do. It is not because we are lazy, or slow. Under all procrastination there is at least one other layer of muck.

I see this in my children, when they are excited about something or enjoy doing something, it gets done before they even come in the door and take off their coats. If the task at hand is not enjoyable or reminds them of something negative, they cannot be held accountable to getting it done. That’s when as parents we think of ways of motivating them or holding them accountable. But the adults I work with, are self-motivated professionals. They understand the importance of the tasks or projects they are procrastinating. They are definitely not lazy or slow. So what gets in their way?

It is not procrastination as we know it at all. They get stuck, energetically stuck in their circumstances. They are not procrastinating, they simply cannot move forward. Depending on what is going on in their lives, they are frozen in a still life photograph that they bring with them to our coaching sessions.

Like a scientist examining an artifact or amber with trapped particles, a coach’s job is to imagine the particle outside the structure she is trapped in. Holding that possibility that there is a vibrant, energized, and alive being pretending to be stuck is what helps melt the amber and liquefy the solid trap. That is the beginning of the coaching conversation. It always starts from the same place, I hold the space and the possibility that being stuck is an illusion and that reality is far different from this state of inertia.

So, what techniques do I use in my sessions? I provoke to create a different possibility, one that the client found unimaginable or unattainable in the beginning. Once the provocation has taken effect, the coaching follows.

If you are stuck in procrastination or anything else, you may want to consider working with a spiritual life coach so you can begin imagining a different reality for yourself. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation to determine if spiritual life coaching is something you might be interested in pursuing.

Drama

2012-01-20T07:15:00.000-05:00

The most dangerous and destructive energy drain out there is one that is addictive, deceiving, manipulative, contagious, sneaky, and readily available. We are all guilty of partaking in it and offering or pushing it onto others. Most of the time, we are not even aware of how we engage in its distribution. It is bigger than us. It can entice us to talk up a storm, analyze a situation to death, and even keep us up at night. It breeds fear, negativity, anxiety, and depression.

Any guesses as to what it might be? If you guessed, drama, then you are correct. Drama is well disguised and yet it creeps into our lives all the time. My clients often complain about how talking to certain people brings them down. In fact, turning on the TV can be a very dangerous activity in that it opens the door to drama. Worse yet, you usually have your guard down listening to the news, unaware of how much drama was just injected into your psyche.

There are 3 major sources of drama: media (any kind of news, or entertainment), families, and work place. Yes, it is everywhere. No, you don’t have to run away and live in a cave. You do have to be fully awake and alert and recognize it when it hits you. You don’t have to fight it, you’ll always lose. You don’t negotiate, you will lose. You breathe and allow it to blow through.

How? It is similar to hearing someone talk when you are not interested in what they are saying. You hear, you let them say what they have to say, you walk away. You turn on the TV, you watch, you listen, you recognize what is drama, what is real information, you take what you want, you walk away.

In summary, the best way to deal with drama is following the steps below:
1)    Breathe
2)    Recognize drama
3)    Keep on breathing
4)    Decipher what is useful information and what is not
5)    Choose what to do
6)    Move on

Sometimes, you might think you succeeded, but if you find yourself slightly irritated, doubtful, or anxious, then some of it got on you. Once again, go through steps 1 through 6 in your head and let go of drama. It cannot hurt you if you are aware of what is happening and choose not to let it get to you.

If you are interested in working with a spiritual life coach on learning how to cope with drama or any other kind of negative energy, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation to decide if spiritual life coaching is for you.

Hope

2012-01-14T18:26:00.000-05:00

He said he was hopeful for the New Year. I was concerned about him, he was about to lose his father to a terminal illness and he hadn’t been taking it too well. Today, he said he was hopeful. “A new year means so many things and I can’t help but be full of hope”, he said with a half smile on his face.

What is hope? According to the dictionary hope is: “desire with the expectation of obtainment” or “to expect with confidence”. To me it is directly correlated with a beginning. Early morning is a time for hope for a good or successful day. Hopelessness on the other hand is directly correlated with an ending, it has a death like feeling to it. The night when the day has ended, is the end of the hope for the new day. In fact, we always say or think that tomorrow will be a new day, a new opportunity to try again, etc.

And what about in the middle of hope and hopelessness, what is that? What is in that space or on that continuum? Or is it a continuum? Going back to the analogy of morning and night, the middle is the day. The middle is what happens between hope and hopelessness. The middle of desire and defeat is the practice or attempt to obtain whatever you were hopeful to achieve. The middle is where you forget about hope and how it started when you are busy doing what you thought you wanted to do. The middle is distracting, consuming, and deceiving. Only when the day has ended, you are reminded of how it began.

This kind of segmentation helps us digest our lives. 24 hour segments of beginnings and endings with the stuff in between, chunking life into digestible pieces. Yes, the New Year is a beginning full of hope and some time in December we decide whether we accomplished all that we had hoped to. In between January and the following December is when life happens.

What if every moment was like the dawn, full of hope? What if hope never ended? What if we were in a consistent state of hope? As young children we are more hopeful than as adults. Just look at a toddler when they wake up in the morning, they are bright eyed and fully alert and ready to go. Over time, we learn that we don’t always get what we want and with multiple experiences of defeat or what we perceive to be defeat, we become less bright eyed and hopeful.

Over time we learn that sometimes we get what we want and sometimes we do not. This is how hope gets diluted and eventually becomes hopeless. What if obtaining something or having an expectation was not part of the hope experience? What if hope was just a feeling, like joy or sadness or excitement? What if hope didn’t come with baggage?

That’s the hope that he was talking about. He had no expectations, he knew that his father would not survive his condition, yet he was still hopeful. He was hopeful because it was a New Year and hope was just a part of the New Year experience. It was not logical or rational, it was an irrational emotion, a child-like enthusiasm, a beginning, a clean slate, endless possibilities, …

Spiritual life coaching provides an opportunity to explore concepts like hope in a safe space. Sometimes you can change what you believe they mean and then re-experience them in a new way. If you are interested in pursuing spiritual life coaching with me, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual coaching session.

In Love?

2011-12-29T18:22:00.000-05:00

It was a cool, crisp, but sunny day in Manhattan. I was delighted to be engaged in a lively conversation with a 27 year old cousin of mine that I had just met. Our conversation lead to an older couple we both know. He was shocked at the revelation of the wife that she was no longer in love with her husband of 50 years. He couldn’t understand how people could stay married when they were no longer in love. I smiled inside my head and was reminded of his youth with such a declaration and wondered if I would react as he was reacting to such news when I was his age.

When do we learn that falling in love with and loving someone are two different concepts and that one can exist without the other. Falling in love is just that, a fall, almost like an accident. Unknowingly you fall into something unexpected. It is exciting and fun being high on dopamine. I have fallen in love more times than I can remember. It can turn into love.

Love is a more conscious and deliberate choice. I truly can say that I love only a few people in my life and that love will not fade away and weathers all kinds of storms. Love makes you stay or leave depending on your situation. Love is clear. Love does not expect, demand, or judge. Love does not have to make sense and this is the quality it shares with “falling in love”. They are both a condition of the heart and not of the mind.

I thought about the couple who were still together despite not being in love and I recalled the wife’s answer to my cousin’s question, “We have children and grandchildren now. What is the point of leaving him now?” I wonder if she is still looking for that feeling of falling in love and wonders if it is lost to her for good. I wonder if she truly wants to end her marriage or just doesn’t feel the love anymore.

What makes two people stay together in a marriage is still a mystery to me. I coach many clients who are in what may seem like a dysfunctional marriage to many for reasons that change every week. Marriage is a legal contract and as such it is binding even after the love is gone. That is the main reason people stay married in unhappy marriages. Many are also wise enough to know that it takes two and if the relationship is not a happy one, perhaps they need to take a good look at themselves first.

All of this was running through my head as we continued walking up 5th Avenue. I smiled thinking about all that he is yet to learn and experience in life and hoped that he wouldn’t have his heart broken knowing well that it was sure to happen!

If you are in the process of re-evaluating your marriage or relationships and need help making a decision, you may want to consider spiritual life coaching. Spiritual life coaching is a process where the client is always in the driver’s seat and the coach provides a safe space for exploration. If you are interested in a 30 minute complimentary coaching conversation, please contact me.

The Power In Silence

2011-12-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

When my life gets super busy like it does during the holidays, the thing I miss the most is silence. By silence I don’t mean time alone. You can be alone, yet busy with your thoughts. What I have grown to appreciate a lot these days is true silence: silence from doing, silence from thoughts, silence from words and silence even from images, memories, and emotions. The silence I am writing about is similar to the one you experience after extreme exhaustion from intense physical activity, when you can’t do or think anymore.

Most of us fall into silence by accident, it is almost like the side effect of something else.

Why do we need to be surrounded by noise? Noise is evidence of life. If you are not actively participating in life, you can turn on the TV and voila, you feel like you are part of it again. The sounds of the TV, playing a video game, calling a friend, getting on the internet, checking your emails, cleaning the house, making a list, … anything is better than sitting in silence, isn’t it? If doing and thinking are evidence of living, perhaps silence is associated with dying.

Part of our discomfort with silence is the lack of purpose associated with it. You don’t go into silence with a goal other than being silent. It won’t get you a better job, do your laundry or your shopping, it won’t even help you relax, because it won’t take away your problems.
Silence is about being comfortable with you. Silence has no agenda. Silence is not a punishment, yet it can feel like one. We have been conditioned to make good use of our time, to be productive and get things done. Sitting quietly without even thinking towards something might seem useless and pointless, yet I have found it to be a powerful experience.

Silence brings you back to you. The you that you lost doing all that stuff, playing all those roles, thinking about more stuff and more people, that you is craving to be quiet just for a while. Silence is similar to the white background of the canvas or the paper before you start painting. Silence brings clarity and puts you in a place of choice.

Energetically, silence can calm you down especially if you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed. However, that is the hardest time to be able to enter silence. Your thoughts and worries always seem to creep in. I try to spend as much time in silence as I can in a day. I walk out of silence gentler, calmer, and wiser. I become less reactive and more conscious and aware of what I want. I am clearer and life truly does become easier.

Silence is not necessarily meditation. It does not have a ritual, mantras, visualizations, sounds, etc. associated with it. It is plain and simple. Silence is where people find their answers. I know this to be true in my spiritual life coaching sessions with my clients. When there is nothing left to say, we both get quiet and the answers show up. The more comfortable we are with silence, the easier it becomes. When you trust that the answer is there, it just hasn’t shown itself to you yet, you are more motivated to sit in silence.

Indeed, silence does have a purpose. Its purpose is to give you the much needed space to discover your own answers. I wish for all of you out there, a very happy holiday season, a stupendous new year and the gift of silence so you can finally hear your own voice!

Best wishes to you and yours for 2012 and beyond!

It Is Not About The Squirrel

2011-12-13T14:20:00.000-05:00

She was concerned that her anger about what had happened would determine the outcome of her future. She could not let go of the thought that the course of her life had changed because of a decision not made by her, but by someone else. This fact made her crazy. She had done everything right, been smart, worked hard, only to find herself at the mercy of something/someone else. The powerlessness made her bitter and she could not move forward and onward with her life…

This describes the point of transition for many of my spiritual coaching clients. Whether they were just laid off from their jobs or served with divorce papers, it is the anger and bitterness that they have a hard time letting go of. The headlines running in their heads go something like: “How could this have happened to me?” “Why did I trust him?” “How can I trust again?” “What will I do now?”

A person going through a so-called involuntary transition, is focused on the event and all the details that go with it. Why, how, if only, … Thoughts and questions that begin this way, keep us focused on the event. Transitions are rarely about the event, yet when caught blind-sighted all we can do is go over and over the event and all the contained details.

Transitions are about change, a fork in the road, a sharp turn to the other direction, a new path, etc. What caused the change is like the squirrel who ran into the road and you tried to avoid, insignificant. If the squirrel hadn’t run in front of your car, you wouldn’t have changed direction, so something had to happen. That is the point of the squirrel. That’s all.

So, if you are faced with a big decision, an unwelcome change, don’t sit in analysis mode. Don’t wonder why the squirrel had to jump in front of your car. Don’t wonder if you had left later or earlier that you might have missed the squirrel. And for heaven’s sake, don’t get mad at the squirrel. All these thoughts, keep you focused on the squirrel and not the road and the journey ahead.

There is so much ahead and more squirrels yet! When we are pushed to make a change, life is inviting us to go through a different door. This can be exciting, and definitely evolving, while being extremely unsettling.

Uncertainty is the way of the transition and the sooner we embrace it, the easier it will get.

If you are in the midst of a difficult transition and are focused on the squirrel, you might consider spiritual life coaching to learn to focus on the path ahead. If you are interested in a 30 minute complimentary coaching session, contact me.

Imitations Are Never As Good

2011-11-21T07:16:00.000-05:00

I was listening to my favorite vocal artist singing someone else’s song, only I did not know that it was someone else’s song. At first, I thought that perhaps he was making a change from his own style. Two minutes into the song it was clear that he sounded like someone else and that he was indeed trying to sound like someone else. That’s when I realized what was going on. I couldn’t finish listening to the song, it sounded awful to me. In fact, his amazing baritone voice sounded weak and washed out.

I realized later that it is the same when we try to imitate others. In that moment of imitation we lose ourselves. When we are speaking our truth, being ourselves, even if someone does not like us, they don’t like us and not the person we are trying to be. There is power in authenticity. There is strength in our voices when we speak our own words in our own voice. I am not talking about opinions, beliefs, or even the end product of what we are creating, but the voice in which we speak them.

When you try to sound like someone else, you sound like no one at all. Your voice is washed out and dull. Part of that I think is due to not knowing what it is all about. How can one artist know exactly what the one they are imitating was thinking, seeing, or feeling in the moment of their expression. At best, they can guess at it, and that guessing or assumption is the wash out.

Knowing what someone has experienced requires that you have experienced it too. That does happen, and when it does, your voice can be as authentic as the person before you who went through the same experience. That’s when we connect with a song, story, or a person. In fact, there is nothing quite as amazing as when we connect with each other through similar experiences. We understand the pain or the pleasure someone is describing because we have gone through it. You can be compassionate without having gone through the same experience, but you cannot express the same emotions as someone else, unless you have gone through the same experience.

My most challenging spiritual life coaching sessions are with clients who describe an experience very similar to what I have experienced. It is like looking at a picture and finding out that it was a mirror instead. Those sessions are hard, because I try extra hard to not project my own stuff on to the client.

In order for the client to have an authentic experience they need to stay detangled from the coach’s story. These are special sessions where you can practice good coaching skills by asking questions and never making any assumptions. In fact, when done right, it is as if you have two originals in the room. There may be similarities in the art work, but they are each distinct and brilliant on their own.

If you feel washed out or unoriginal, perhaps you are imitating or hiding under someone else’s image or experience. I invite you to step out of the habit or need to imitate anyone other than yourself. There is power and magic when you step into your own. People will suddenly want to listen to you and won’t know why. If you want to leave a good impression, be yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, then make it your business to learn how.

Spiritual life coaching is about the business of finding your own true voice and expressing it at all times. If you’d like to learn if spiritual life coaching is for you, contact me for a 30 minute complimentary session.

Where Are You Trapped?

2011-11-11T18:28:00.000-05:00

She was uncomfortable, restless, trapped like an animal in a cage. She couldn’t get out, she couldn’t help herself. She knew this feeling, but she didn’t know exactly when or why or how. All she knew was that she hated it. She had to get away. She was afraid she would get stuck and never get out. She couldn’t think like that, she couldn’t give up. And then just like that, she woke up from the dream. She was relieved that it was only a dream, even though, the emotions were so real. She recognized them, but did not know from where. They were familiar…

Sometimes events can stir up old reactions or feelings. If they are negative or painful, we have a hard time remembering what they are associated with. If it is extremely difficult, then we don’t even want to remember where they might be coming from. However, in order to be able to have some degree of control (i.e., recognize so that if it happens again you can choose how to act instead of reacting from an old perspective), you need to go investigate what it is all about.

I find myself doing a lot of investigative work with my spiritual coaching clients. We set out to find where something is coming from before we decide what to do with it, if anything at all. Some clients don’t want to find it, because they are afraid of what they might find. Some claim they know what is there, but they don’t know how to let it go. What both types of clients have in common is identification with either the fear as in the case of the first example, or identification with “not knowing how to …”.

In fact, identification is the source of most of our problems. We identify with the position that we can’t do, don’t know how to do, or are afraid of doing X, Y, or Z. We repeat the reasons for the position over and over again in our heads and we believe the story. We convince ourselves of our opinion and then repeat it to whomever dares to try to help us.

Identification is like cement or a cinder block chained to our ankles. It gets us stuck. First we complain about being stuck, and soon it becomes an excuse for not being stuck. In a way, we get comfortable with our position. It’s like falling asleep in a funny position in bed, but being too tired to move. Even though, you know that you will get a cramped neck in the morning, you don’t have the strength to reposition yourself because you are in a deep sleep. Getting stuck in our identifications is like being stuck in a deep sleep. We know what we are doing is unhealthy, but we can’t get out.

One way to break that spell is to ask yourself: “what do I want?” Even in the depths of sleep, when I ask myself, “what do I really want?” and if I stay awake enough for the answer, I know I have to move. Asking ourselves repeatedly: “what do I really want?” brings us to the point of choice. It for a brief moment unglues us from the identification with the problem. It reminds us that we are not set in the same outcome. We have a choice.

So, I ask my spiritual life coaching clients over and over again: “what do you want?” Some answer the question, but then jump into “…but I can’t…” and then we go back to the beginning. This is how you get unstuck, by going back to the beginning. You might have to do it more than once. You might have to do it again when the problems shows up in a different form. It is a great place to start.

Questions to Ponder:
(1)    What is one issue or problem that keeps on repeating itself in your life?
(2)    Where and how do you get stuck?
(3)    What do you really want?

If you would like to further explore these issues with a spiritual life coach, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation to determine if spiritual life coaching is for you.

Copious Curiosity

2011-10-19T18:25:00.001-04:00

It was one of those crazy busy days where I had many back to back appointments. Unlike the way I used to be, I had not thought about who was coming and what they might need to be coached on. In other words, I knew where I had to be, who I had to see, but I had not processed, or analyzed what it all meant. I knew client X was coming at 9 AM and one hour and 15 minutes later, I had to coach client Y, but I was not trying to remember or predict what they might want to be coached on. This was in part due to a conscious effort on my part to be copiously curious as my mentor coach would put it. And I have learned that if I study or review a client’s past coaching session, then I am expecting it to go a certain way and then I’ve lost my curiosity.

The day continued on the same way it had started, with lots of curiosity and hustle. My evening appointment was with my children at the pediatrician’s office for their annual flu shots. I had not processed that my daughter usually hates getting shots and sometimes even gets a little hysterical. It was as if I had forgotten how stressful this appointment could be. Well, to my surprise, she hopped on the examination table and pulled up her sleeve and took the shot without any drama at all! Right after she hopped back down and put on her sweater, I realized what had happened.

She had changed her story. Driving back home, I was reminded of my coaching sessions during the day. In fact, all my clients had managed to surprise me. None of the sessions had gone on in an orderly fashion, they had been slightly unpredictable and a bit messy. Yet, I had enjoyed them because they had pushed me into directions I had not gone before. This is not that uncommon in a coaching session, because no matter how well you think you know your client, you couldn’t possibly know them as well as you think.

At the pediatrician’s office I realized the same thing about my daughter. What I thought I knew about her was just a prediction based on past behavior. In a coaching session, the coach allows the client to change their story. That’s how coaching works, you are in a space where you can change your story. With practice, I am learning to apply the same principles in my own life and in the more intimate relationships which I think I know so much about!

Copious curiosity in coaching works by dissolving the bars of the prisons that our clients have created from their stories. When you are in the presence of someone as if for the first time, listening with your whole being and being present without judgment, expectation, or the need to fit into any theories, past behaviors, or projecting your own story upon them, magic happens! The client is now free to change their story.

This is one of the reasons why I refer to myself as a spiritual life coach. What happens in a session when the coach has been copiously curious, is not logical or rational. It is outside the realms of mental understanding. It is what I call a spiritual experience!

If you are interested in working with a spiritual life coach, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual coaching conversation.

Wakeup Call

2011-10-12T19:48:00.000-04:00

Talking to my colleagues who are psychologists and counselors, we are of the general understanding that it takes a bus to get most of us to start asking the deeper questions in life. Unless you’ve been hit by the proverbial bus (you jumped in front of it not knowing what you were doing, by accident, or someone pushed you) most of us do not care about questions that ponder the deeper meaning of life.

We start our adult lives getting educated, finding a good job, starting a family, and following a predictable trajectory. Even though, we hear of others whose lives did not follow the predictable path, we hope or pray that we are not one of those people. What’s happening in the world today is all about a change in that trajectory. Whether it is the economy, changes on the planet (dramatic weather or natural disasters), or political upheavals, little is predictable these days. Add to that the normal outliers (being fired, getting a divorce, serious health issues, family troubles, money problems, or a general dissatisfaction with the quality of your life) and what you have, is a bit of lingering chaos.

As therapists, psychologists, social workers, and spiritual life coaches we spend a lot of time listening to our clients talking about the “bus”. An entire session could be about how they didn’t see the bus coming, how unfair it was that they got thrown under the bus, how it feels being slowly crushed under the bus, how their bus is bigger than their sister’s bus, or even, how no one told them about the bus, … In other words, we hear a lot about the bus, point of contact, and the tragedy of it all.

Once we get past the “bus”, then we can start the real work and ask the deeper questions. What are the deeper questions you may ask. The deeper questions include: what do I want now? What are my choices? What beliefs need to change for me to accomplish what I want? The answers to these questions take us to the core of our selves, so we can better understand and even redefine who we are, and ultimately let go of the bus incident.

When clients start their personal development work, slowly they realize that there was no accident, or tragedy and in fact what felt and looked like a bus was just an illusion or maybe an opportunity to start peeling the onion of their lives. When sleeping in a deep slumber, we need something to wake us up. The bus in our story was just a wakeup call. When you look at your job and/or relationship, health, or any other kind of loss as a noisy alarm clock going off, staying mad at what happened is like being mad at the alarm clock throughout the day, so much so that, you can’t engage in what is happening because you are still holding a grudge against the alarm clock!

So, if your alarm clock is going off or you just got hit by the bus, the good news is, it is time to wake up! If you need help waking up or support in the way you want to be when you do wake up, please contact me for a spiritual life coaching consultation.

Joy

2011-10-04T10:11:00.000-04:00

I just came back home from a lovely trip out to visit a dear friend in Colorado last night. Walking into the house I could smell the distinct dog odor from our resident pug, Charlie. That was my first impression of our home and then I was hit by: “Mom, could you clean my running shoes for tomorrow?” and “Mom, I need a check for school”. I was instantly reminded of how different everything was compared to the last 4 days in Colorado.

I tried to stop myself from the comparisons to what my days were like when I was away, until I realized that it was impossible. Our brains are designed to compare, contrast, and evaluate. We do this consciously and unconsciously. Even our sense of smell involuntarily compares something to another, reminds us of a good or not-so-good memory associated with the smell. We live in a web of associations and comparisons. If we have a negative memory, then we judge a certain sound, smell or sight to be bad and have an emotional reaction to something in the present based on something from the past. We are constantly going in and out of our thoughts and memories.

Sometimes we even get stuck in our thoughts like a mouse in a maze. Even if our thoughts are not negative or positive, we can get stuck, not knowing how to get out. I work with people who have thought themselves into corners they can’t get out of. They often complain about not being joyful or having lost touch with what matters to them.

Joy, I am convinced has nothing to do with thoughts. Joy is not associated with anything, it just is. I am writing about the kind of joy you feel when you are out in nature, hanging out by rocks that have been around some 10 million years or so. Your mind cannot compare and contrast on the mountains. It just absorbs the beauty and gets really quiet.

Joy in fact, cannot emerge from the mind and its incessant categorizing. One of the scenes that I am reminded of is when you are faced with something beautiful or awe inspiring from a distant past that you were not a part of, in the middle of everyday life. Walking on one of the side streets in Rome and unexpectedly seeing a slice of the Coliseum through the opening ahead as the motorcycles whiz by on the cobblestones for example is one of those moments. Time stops, because you are not capable of thinking your way back to a time thousands of years ago. Your mind is not working overtime. The chatter stops briefly as you gather yourself, until you start again remembering the first time you saw the image, or another time you saw something similar, and off you go back to your evaluating business. The chatter picks up and joy evaporates.

Living the mundane moments of everyday life are joyless for the most part because of the constant chatter in our heads. That is why Buddhist thought reminds us to welcome each day and activity as if it is the first time we are doing it. Staying present helps stop the chatter, slow down the evaluations, and bring back a bit of joy. This is how meditation works. It’s all about slowing down our thinking so we can be, just be.

If you find yourself lost in thinking and evaluating and want to be able to plug into joy, you might want to consider working with a spiritual life coach. Joy comes from spirit, something we lose touch with when we get lost in our thoughts. If you are interested in pursuing spiritual life coaching, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation.

Sans Definition

2011-09-19T07:57:00.000-04:00

I was walking in the streets of Florence, Italy. It was beautiful, I was extremely content and there was a white haze surrounding me ...

The feelings from that dream were so amazingly pleasant, I can’t describe them at all. In fact, I don’t want to describe them. When I woke up from that dream, I tried to understand it and bring meaning to it and as soon as I started doing that, the feeling went away. I realized that I should have just stayed with the feeling without the need to analyze or understand. I now go back there, without words and am able to re-experience the feelings sans definition.

We don’t do that with negative feelings do we? We don’t want to re-experience them.

When bad things happen, it has to be someone’s fault. For sure, it is the fault of the bad person who did the bad thing. But it is also perhaps the fault of the person who something happened to, because they were negligent, stupid, too much of something (trusting, naïve, in a hurry, etc.). Or the fault of a 3rd person who may have mislead them into going somewhere, doing something,...

When something negative happens, we run into multiple directions trying to find fault and person(s) to accuse. Sometimes, we run in the same circles after the accusation has been made. Over and over again, we repeat in our heads, “I should have known better”, or “how could he have not kept his word”,... This sometimes distracts us from the pain that we feel from having to deal with what has happened and at least, it makes us feel justified.

Finding fault or sentencing someone with an accusation is essentially about verbalizing an incomprehensive emotion. When something bad happens, we can’t comprehend it, so we seek understanding. Justice brings understanding back into our stories. Words further organize our understanding with more clarity and certainty. In the end it becomes a neatly wrapped package, easy to hold that we keep passing on to ourselves or others.

It is also safe. Words and definitions keep us at a safe distance away from the scene of the event. We don’t have to relive the bad thing. We can bathe in our own righteousness.

In my spiritual life coaching sessions, clients often present a situation from the standpoint of the judge and jury. From that stance, change is not possible. It is a dead end. However, when the client is voluntarily and gently walked back to the starting point of the event, they realize that they have a choice. They realize that there are many destinations from that single point of departure. Letting go of judgment becomes easier. Forgiveness becomes possible. Freedom is the client’s to experience. Words are not needed.

If you are interested in finding out about how you can experience more freedom, forgiveness, and satisfaction regardless of what has happened in your life, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute spiritual life coaching conversation.

Path Towards Unconditional Love

2011-08-26T14:54:00.001-04:00

Organizing my art supplies, I came across paintings that I had not thrown out and didn’t deem valuable enough to frame, or give away. Looking at each I could remember when it was exactly that I had decided that the work was not good enough to be shown to anyone. I remembered the brush stroke, color, line, wash, or the one little mistake that turned the painting from a beautiful image in my mind to an unacceptable reject. I even remembered what I did when I decided that the painting was unacceptable, I put away my paints and supplies and walked away. Somehow, I didn’t find these paintings bad enough to throw away. They were neatly stacked on top of each other under my art supplies, hidden, yet not discarded.

I was reminded of a conversation I had with a spiritual coaching client months ago. After a challenging coaching session where she admitted that she was fighting the process, she admitted that this is not the way she is when she is with other people. In fact, she said: “Most people think I am upbeat and funny. I always cheer everyone up and plough through my own hardships, at least that is what they say about me. I don’t know why I am being this way with you, I hope you don’t think of me as a negative and depressed person.” After reassuring her that I wasn’t judging her, I had to think about what she had said.

It is true that in an intimate coaching conversation, we reveal everything about ourselves. Even the discarded pieces of ourselves that we hide from almost everyone else, we show to our coach. I am a witness to all the undesirable paintings, the ones that are not acceptable for display and yet have not been thrown away.

Even though, I am sure that my clients have a different plan about what to do with their unacceptable creation, for me it is always the same. I don’t see any of it as acceptable or not. I see it as an indication of the creativity of its creator. For me it is further proof that there is an artist in everyone.

My job is to remind the creator of his or her creativity and hence, responsibility towards their creation. Then, I gently invite them to release judgment and start to look at their creation from another perspective. Without the need to assess or evaluate, the creator can now see the real image and the hidden truth in their artwork. With practice, they can now look at all of their artwork in the same manner. This practice is what gets us closer to conscious choice.

We can only be consciously choosing, when we wake up from our nightmares of: judgment, martyrdom, victimization, compulsive doing, and trying hard to finish the race or reach an imaginary point in time and space. Conscious choice is born through unconditional love.

We are all searching for love from the outside. How can we be loved if we can’t love ourselves wholly? Are we hoping that our lover won’t see the ugly pictures if we hide them well enough? If we only show the good ones, he will fall in love with us, that is until one day, he happens to come across all the ugly pictures neatly piled away and then off we go on to another search for someone else we can fool into believing that we are just a piece of what we really are.

So, what would you like to do with your previously labeled “unacceptable” creations? Perhaps they get framed and placed somewhere visible to remind you of the rich source of creativity that is within you and does not yet know how to fully express itself through you. Or might they remind you of your potential to love unconditionally pieces of yourself that you have judged to be unpleasant? Can you love all of your creations?

If you are interested in spiritual life coaching to help you on your journey towards unconditional self-love and acceptance, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute session to determine if spiritual coaching is what you’d like to pursue.

Giving and Receiving Gone Bad

2011-08-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Whenever I am presented with an insurmountable issue by one of my clients, I like to observe the world around me and see if I recognize the same issue or pattern elsewhere. Two of the most common issues my clients want to be coached on, are being stuck and lack of abundance of opportunities. I know that we all get stuck from time to time and can’t see what is available to us or feel uncreative and hence can’t produce anything to get us out of where we are stuck. However, when life deals us a bad hand, some people have an excruciatingly difficult time getting out of their negative tendencies and so, sink deeper and deeper into the muck.

I’ve identified at least two categories in which we can get lost in. These categories are extreme cases which in a healthy mental state we can go in and come out of. Some can’t get out for many reasons and that is not the topic of this post. I wanted to invite you to take a look at yourself and how you might fall into one or both of these categories from time to time.

Over-givers: They tend to be women, mothers, multi-taskers and very good at many things. In fact, many keep on giving even when there is nothing left to give. What do they give when it is all gone? They give away their frustrations, compulsions, stress, anxiety, worries, you name it, they dish it out and there is an endless supply of these. They mean well, they just don’t know how to stop themselves. It’s as if giving is programmed into their DNA, and they can’t stop. It has nothing to do with the quality or even the content of what they are giving, they are caught up in the act and they keep at it.

Many over-givers have control issues. They tend to choke off the life force in the receiver of their giving. They also tend to blame everyone who isn’t happy or cooperative about receiving what they are shoving their way.

Non-receivers: The non-receivers won’t accept anything from anyone. Many of the over givers are non-receivers too. Some non-receivers on the other hand, aren’t interested in giving or receiving. They are like a closed fist that does not know how to open up and hold or receive. Everything is impossible, irrelevant, unrealistic, impractical, useless or a waste of time to them. These beliefs keep the fist closed and serve their negative mental state.

The non-receivers are stiff and not easily humored. They cannot laugh at themselves, they are angry at the world. They believe they are smart and not easily fooled like those other happy, gullible people they despise or envy. Non-receivers cannot engage in any positive activities or conversations that challenge their position. Challenging a non-receiver requires them to open up their fists and they can’t do that and remain a non-receiver at the same time. It challenges their whole identity.

The over-givers are non-receivers for the most part. They cannot receive because most of the time they are in their giving mode, and receiving would mess up with their giving function. However, if and when they want something specific to be delivered in a specific way by a specific person, and it happens, then they will receive! That however, rarely happens, so they keep on giving.

We all fall into one or both of these categories from time to time and about certain things and with certain people. Like anxiety, a little bit of it is a good thing. It stretches you. However, when done over and over again, it becomes part of your personality and not only is it hard to get out of, it is hard to be around.

Do you find yourself falling into one or both of these categories at any time or with certain people or situations? Are you stuck and can’t get away from your thinking patterns? When stressed, what happens to your giving and receiving tendencies?

If you would like to further explore these concepts and how they may be contributing to your level of dissatisfaction with life, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute session to determine if spiritual life coaching is what you might be interested in.

Spiritual Coaching II (Positive vs. Negative Transitions)

2011-08-02T19:21:00.000-04:00

I work with people who are going through all kinds of change. Transition is how you manage change. As such I coach people who perceive their change as a negative one and hence, their transition becomes negative too. The bulk of the work is about looking at what may have seemed like a negative transition (e.g., loss of a job, divorce) and dealing with it in a realistic way. Being real is key to making it through any transition. Reality includes negative and positive beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and all kinds of fears (rational or not).

When people use their so-called negative transition to explore the potentials hidden in the chaos or disorganization of their world, they become more comfortable with uncertainty and start seeing and experiencing creativity, non-linearity, and what may even seem like magic. At this stage, there is no longer a feeling of dread even when they have to meet their divorce attorney to go over child support payments for example. This is what I mean be keeping it real.

During a transition period, control and certainty have been replaced by chaos and uncertainty. The good news is that anything can happen during chaos as long as you are ok with the fact that uncertainty will make sure you won’t know what is going to happen and how it happens. Yes, the road to empowerment involves dismantling of the old you which means giving up the fake sense of power that you may have had. When life works according to the old rules handed down by our parents, teachers, schools, jobs, bosses, and the media, we feel powerful. We feel like we have figured it all out and we are smart and empowered. It’s only when things don’t quite work out according to our expectations, that we feel betrayed and disempowered.

True power however, is not something that anyone or anything can take away from you. Real empowerment comes when you get to know the real you. The real you is the integrated you: the good, the bad, and even the ugly. When all those pieces come together and when you accept all of them as the real you, then you are empowered. As long as you are rejecting any part of you, you are going to be rejected.

With real empowerment, there is no need to label life’s bumps and bruises as positive or negative. It is just a part of life. You may not like it, but you know that you will come through it. As a spiritual life coach who helps people going through difficult transitions, this is where I like to help my clients get to, the place of full acceptance of whatever is or is not happening. This can be done without resistance when you know who you are, what is important to you (your values), what your choices are, how to take care of yourself and who can support you.

Questions to Ponder:
1)    Are you going through a difficult transition?
2)    Is it negative or positive, and what makes it so?
3)    What needs to change in order for you to have a more positive experience?

If you are going through a difficult transition and would like to work with a spiritual life coach, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute conversation to determine if I can help you through your journey.

Spiritual Coaching I

2011-07-17T20:02:00.000-04:00

As a spiritual life coach, I belong to a few groups on LinkedIn and the recent discussions have been around spiritual coaching and core competencies. I am excited by the fact that we are openly and courageously bringing the word “spiritual” into serious coaching conversations and deeper yet, trying to define the core competencies that would be related to it.

Today, I’d like to write about “coaching presence” or the first coaching competency as defined by the ICF (International Coach Federation): sees many ways to work with the client, and chooses in the moment what is most effective.

When I work with my clients who happen to be professional women in the corporate world, the word spiritual is not something that I loosely throw around. I am careful with my words, extremely careful, and so, I usually don’t use words that my clients are either not familiar with or might be uncomfortable around. I believe, that if I have to define it, it is probably not worth using. I rarely use the word spiritual and yet, I consider most of the work I do to be spiritual. It is spiritual because it is not about the words, the mind, or the emotions that are the result of an over worked mind.

I always assess where the client is at the moment, not yesterday, last session, or where I hope they are based on what they said last time. The coach has to be present and in the now for coaching to work. In order to facilitate the coaching presence, the coach has to be present in the now moment. This is a spiritual concept, because in order to truly be in the now, you have to let go of what happened, your judgments, your hopes, your analyses, the notes you took from last time, your ego, what you want to accomplish, your need to feel important …

You have to let go of it all, in order to be present. You have to be an empty vessel for the client to feel confident with you to empty her vessel. During the client’s emptying is when learning happens. In those sacred moments all that is there, is an empty space.

That is coaching presence as I practice and understand it to be, and this is a spiritual exchange or connection. Stripped from our egos, minds, thoughts, judgments, analyses, other people’s words, fears, beliefs, we are free to recognize what we already know.

So, yes, the core competency of coaching presence is indeed addressed during an effective spiritual life coaching session.

Questions to Ponder:
1) How present are you on average?
2) Can you relate your “presence” to your level of satisfaction with life?

If you are interested in spiritual life coaching, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute session.

Disconnect

2011-07-12T13:49:00.000-04:00

It was one of those mornings. I needed to get to my e-mails and was having an internet connectivity problem.   After sitting through the robotic instructions of my internet provider’s automated service, I was told to turn my computer off, reset the modem and disconnect the wireless router. Then I was told to wait for at least 20 seconds before re-connecting and turning everything back on. The pleasant, yet robotic voice then graciously said goodbye and asked me to call back if I still had problems with my internet connection.

Since I had done all the things she had suggested before I called in, but not all of it together and I had not waited for at least 20 seconds, I decided to wait longer than that with everything shut down and disconnected.

I then decided to disconnect myself. I went outside and sat on my patio steps and took a few deep breaths. It felt really good, not having anything to do. I even stopped thinking and was able to shut off the rambling voices and disjointed thoughts and images in my head. I started focusing on my breathing, listening to the birds and felt the breeze against my skin. It felt wonderful. I was beginning to feel rejuvenated.

I realized how busy I had been for the past two months. Summer gets that way.   The days are broken up: I have a tight coaching schedule, and a book that is being edited and needs to be published, there never seems to be enough time to just sit and breathe. I know for me and probably everyone else out there, conscious breathing while doing nothing is not what we allow ourselves to do on a regular basis.

I am not talking about meditating, or sleeping. We all walk away from our computers and when we sleep at night, the computer is shut down and sleeps too. Yet, it still needs to be disconnected. We too need to be disconnected from time to time. I knew the benefits of disconnecting for me, but I didn’t realize how just like the computer, if I don’t disconnect regularly, I might stop functioning. I stayed with that thought and gave myself full permission to sit outside just a bit longer.

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What does it mean to you to be disconnected and do you do it voluntarily?
2)    What are the benefits of disconnecting to you?

If you would like to work on disconnecting and learning how to be more effective when connected, you may want to work with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching can teach you tools and skills that you can consistently use as needed. If you would like to work with me, but are not sure, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation.

What's Polluting You?

2011-06-07T12:43:00.001-04:00

It’s not noon yet and I feel like a land fill already. I started out fresh and my morning meditation cleared the slate for a brand new day. What happened between then and now?

Life happened I guess. The regular wears and tears of living just got to me. Actually, they didn’t really get to me, I just happened to notice them today.

Here is a list of my pollutants du jour (so far):
1. News of yet another sex scandal on TV
2. Bottle caps and plastic bottles on my walking trail
3. The garbage truck’s noise
4. My daughter’s emotional meltdown about something ridiculous
5. Beating myself up over not working out this morning
6. Thoughts about the appointment I have later on that I don’t want to keep
7. E-mails that I can’t keep up with
8. Feeling like there is something important I’ve forgotten to do (and it’s not the work out)
9. Annoyed at the over whelming fragrance of the bug spray I sprayed on myself before going out for my walk
10. Thoughts of what to make for dinner tonight

Once you stop and become mindful of all the pollutants in your life, it can get scary. If it does not scare you, it can certainly stress you or cause a certain degree of anxiety, so that by 5 PM after a good day’s work, you are ready to unleash at the first guy who cuts you off in rush hour traffic. And it hasn’t even been a really bad day.

A client once asked me, “So what do I do with all of the pollutants?” Some of them may need to be taken care of, but most are just a byproduct of life. In fact, sometimes when we over-analyze something, it becomes more of a problem. Usually, it is just about noticing and letting go. The noticing is important, because it makes you conscious and aware, so you can then take care of yourself. When you know you are annoyed, It is your responsibility to take care of your condition. The taking care of might just be about taking a few deep breaths, lightening up, and letting go.

The reason why we get so uptight is because we either want to take responsibility for what is not ours, we have already taken responsibility for what is not ours, or we want someone else to take responsibility for what is not theirs. The pollutants in our life are here to remind us that we are not the handyman of the universe, armed with our tool belts ready to go into fix it mode at the drop of a hat. We are certainly not the high school principal or prison guard watching and waiting for someone to go out of line, so we can correct them or put them in place either.

In fact, situations always somehow resolve themselves without our interference. So, the next time you feel inclined to react to a pollutant, remember that it is just a pollutant, something that does not require much thought or emotional distress. Living is about bumping into things and sometimes even falling down and breaking a few bones.

Don’t lose sight of what really matters when you are agitated or hurt by your bump. It’s just a pesky bump. It’s a reminder that you are alive and a human.

Questions to Ponder:
1) What are some of your pollutants?
2) How do you decide what is just a pollutant and what really needs your attention?
3) How do you recharge and clean your slate?

If you would like to learn how to manage your pollutants, you might want to work with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching can teach you how to recharge, gain clarity, and stay peaceful when life is throwing all kinds of things at you. If you are interested in a complimentary 30 minute life coaching consultation, please contact me.

Peace

2011-05-24T16:11:00.001-04:00

She told me she wanted peace. She was tired of the fighting, the drama, and the tears. She was clear on what she did not want. When asked if she wanted harmony, calm, or joy, she chose calm. She couldn’t imagine harmony and joy because her life had been devoid of them for as long as she could remember. Calm to her meant, absence of ups and downs. In other words, she was choosing the middle ground.

That was then.

She has finally found the peace she was looking for. When I asked her what it felt like, she explained that nothing had changed in her outer life. The same situations showed up as often as before. She wasn’t aroused or annoyed by them anymore. She didn’t fall into her old coping mechanisms either. She stayed in the moment without any expectations. She didn’t know how each situation would end or how she herself would react. She had no plans and just stayed with whatever was aggravating her. Eventually, the aggravation would move on and in its place was peace.

This peace to her was more valuable than any certificate or award. This peace brought a sense of deep wisdom that no one and nothing could take away. When asked if it was the middle ground we had discussed earlier, she said, no. It wasn’t the middle point. It was the whole. Her peace included the highs and the lows, and everything in between. Her peace was all inclusive. When she stopped labeling and categorizing, defending and attacking, justifying and rationalizing is when she found peace. She got there without knowing she had gotten there. There was no separation or exclusion.

Peace is about inclusion of all that is without labeling and judging. She was at peace and I was honored to have shared her journey.

Questions to Ponder:
1) Are you longing for peace in your life?
2) Have you been struggling with the highs and lows and drama?
3) What does peace mean to you?

If you would like to experience peace more and more in your life, it might be time to consult a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is about learning to let go of all that does not serve you anymore. A coach can help you identify what is and isn’t serving you and the tools to learn to let go. If you are interested in a complimentary 30 minute consultation, contact me.

Guilt

2011-05-11T07:58:00.000-04:00

I’ve heard guilt brought up in a humorous manner in many conversations. Some even treat it as a badge of honor, in other words, it is good if they feel guilty about something. It somehow makes them a better person to feel a certain degree of shame. In my experience, guilt is the most toxic and self-destructive of all the negative emotions. The moment you start your self-talk with I should have, I could have, why didn’t I,… is the moment you find yourself at the beginning of a cycle of self-abuse that is hard to get out of.

Guilt feeds into self-hate or lack of self-love. It feeds into lack of trust and confidence. It is the primary tumor that feeds all the other negative emotions and spreads like a cancer into our body and sense of well-being. Nothing good ever comes of guilt.

Guilt is an excellent weapon used by others to control us. It is used by the religions of the world, politicians, parents, and other leaders. We all use it to get what we want unaware of its contagious nature.

It was created as a toxic bi-product of strong belief systems like the one that has to do with what is right and what is wrong. Guilt likes to hang out with righteousness and justice. It is the cement that holds all feelings of piety in place.

Guilt can change forms. Reversed, it also feeds into blame. Guilty people tend to blame others easily. If you can blame yourself for the wrongs of the world, it is easy to blame others too.

Once you let guilt in, it is hard to get rid of because it pushes all other belief systems. The good news is, that it does push all other belief systems. In fact, one way to look at it would be to notice when you feel guilty and decide what belief systems needs to be released.

Guilt can also be used to diagnose self-hate. When you start beating yourself up about something you did or didn’t do, stop and notice how you dislike yourself. Stay in the pain of that realization. Stay in the denial of the realization. Stay wherever you are, and then consciously choose what to do. This is one way you can make friends with guilt. Use it as an instrument to detect what needs to change.

Caution: Guilt has the ability to create more guilt somewhere else! Please be careful and don’t use it for that purpose.

Questions To Ponder:
1) When do you feel guilty?
2) What does feeling guilty provide?
3) How do you manage your guilt?

If you are being eaten up by guilt you may want to work with a spiritual life coach and learn how to release guilt and outdated belief systems. Contact me for a 30 minute complimentary session to discuss whether spiritual life coaching might help you create a more self-fulfilling and meaningful life.

Changing is Not Easy

2011-04-15T13:43:00.000-04:00

The most unfamiliar and uncomfortable part of change is that in between place where you are not the person you were before but haven’t quite become the person you want to be. This is the part where some people give up on the transition journey, become negative or get depressed.

I hear a lot of: “darn it, I tried and it just doesn’t work for me” or “maybe, I just can’t change”. What I don’t hear a lot but perhaps is going on in the client’s head is: “this is just a bunch of @#$%” or “I was better off doing what I was doing”.

I can personally relate to this level of frustration and have spent some time trying to understand the in between place inside the bowels of a major transition.

Breaking change and its following transition down into steps:

1)    Something triggers the need to change
2)    You earnestly decide to make a change
3)    Learn about what it takes to change and what it is exactly that needs to change
4)    End the way you did something or a quality or habit about yourself
5)    Practice the new way of being or doing
6)    Fall off the wagon
7)    Don’t get the results you had hoped for
8)    Lose some relationships either because you don’t relate to certain people anymore or find yourself questioning certain relationships
9)    Feel lonely and/or alone
10)    Recognize that you have changed indeed
11)    New relationships or new-old relationships or new opportunities show up

Steps 5 through 9 happen over and over again and the duration depends on how major the change is. The in between place is right smack in between steps 5 through 9. There are no remedies, quick fixes or words of consolation when someone is going through these steps. It is a lonely and introspective time.

Time well spent in these steps can determine the sustainability and success of the transition. This is because, real change takes time. If you rush the time between steps 5 through 9, you are bound to go back to the way you used to be and repeat the whole process. That is what happens to people who jump from one relationship to another marrying or dating a slightly different version of the same person all over again, or take a different job to find out they have created the same scenario with their co-workers or boss just in a different organization.

The next time you find yourself frustrated with the in between place or the journey of your transition, remember that it is natural. Even your frustrations are natural. It is ok to be angry, lonely, depressed, etc. It will pass if you let it be and learn and practice what you need to do and how you need to be. Use the lonely time wisely, get help from a counselor or a spiritual life coach, and when you come out of your cocoon, you will spread your wings like a butterfly transformed and the wormy experience you had before becomes just a distant memory!

If you are going through a transition and need help and support to make sustainable and deeply meaningful changes in your life/work, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation.
Spiritual life coaching is about changing the way you have been living.

Parenting in 2011

2011-04-06T16:36:00.000-04:00

I noticed I disagreed with my daughter’s point of view regarding something she was talking about with her BFF in the car while I was driving. In fact, I found myself curiously wondering how she formed the opinion that she was discussing. I was quite sure that my husband would have disagreed with her too. She is eleven and clearly her own person. This is where parenting becomes a challenge. Where do we draw the lines? What are we responsible for?

I am noticing in my peer group of parents of eleven through fifteen, we all seem to be walking on shaky ground. Some of us are still hanging on to memories of when they were little. Others are apologizing to themselves or others for their kids’ behaviors/manners/language. Some are clearly depressed and do not know how to be an effective parent anymore. We are all going through yet another transition.

There are days when we ask ourselves: who are these young, yet big people in our homes and what happened to the innocent little girl or boy who did as we asked them to, etc. I am sure that they are confused too, like we were at that awkward stage before adulthood. What’s different, is that they know so much more than we do about what goes on in their world which has a lot to do with technology.

They crave the newest gadget, they are connected and can figure things out faster and less laboriously than we can. This gives them the upper hand and they know it too. This upper hand, makes them believe that they do indeed know more than we do. I believe this makes parenting that much more difficult these days.

Setting boundaries becomes challenging, because they are connected through the internet and social media. Sending them up to their rooms as a punishment, does not work. Taking away their hand-held device works until they go to school or anywhere where there is a computer they can use or borrow. And they are very resourceful. While we are busy worrying if we have done the right thing, used the right punishment, they are back on Facebook and forgotten that they were being punished to begin with. All of this makes us less frightening, less knowledgable, and frankly, less effective.

Going back to my daughter’s conversation with her BFF in the car… I realize that our children live in a much bigger world than we did and are influenced by more than we could have been. This is a wonderful opportunity for young minds, and a scary reality for parents.    It’s like when your kids go off to college, but they haven’t really and they’re much too young to do so. They seem to be growing up faster and faster and we are attempting to keep up.

Since I am always one step behind, I have decided to enjoy the moments when I do connect with them, laugh together, share a meal or a walk. All of this high speed living only makes me treasure these rare and short lived moments even more. It is indeed a different day…

Questions to Ponder:
1)    Are you torn about your parenting abilities/skills?
2)    Do you find it difficult to relate to your children and this worries you?
3)    What would a perfect day be like in your home? When was the last time you had a perfect day with your children?

If you are concerned about parenting these days and would like to come up with a plan that would work in your home and with your family in a non-judgmental space, you might want to consider spiritual life coaching. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute session to see if spiritual life coaching is the answer to your concerns.

Endings

2011-03-28T12:04:00.000-04:00

No one seems to consciously want to end anything except maybe in the case of a divorce. But even with that, many people still hang on to the belief of an ideal marriage or relationship. In the William Bridges transition model, he states that every transition starts with an ending. It is how we deal with or acknowledge the ending that determines the ease and success of our transition. People don’t want to focus on endings. No one does, but it is a truth that is unavoidable. In order to begin again, one must end something that was going on before. More important, one must acknowledge the ending emotionally. It is like the pause before the next breath. If we continue jumping from one beginning to another, like a child in a room full of toys, we are distracted, incomplete and ultimately, dissatisfied, not to mention, fragile and sensitive to breakdowns as a result of not processing our emotions regarding the endings.

Unfortunately, the culture we live in and most likely work in, won’t allow for acknowledging endings. It is perhaps looked upon as a sign of weakness to get teary eyed about something that is no more, a boss that was fired, a child that has left home, a marriage that has ended, etc. Yes, life goes on and we must pick up the pieces, but before moving ahead, we need to address our loss and what has ended. Some people talk to counselors or therapists. Some write in their journals. Some talk about it to friends and co-workers. However you do it, make sure you are dealing with it. It might take longer than you think. It will take as long as it does and what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Sometimes, you may revisit old feelings of loss years later after the event. It is all natural, so don’t fight it, judge it, or push it away. Just sit with it and nurture and accept yourself for what you are feeling.

Endings come in different forms. It could be a very internal ending like the ending of the way you feel about someone. Feelings evolve and it is natural to no longer feel what you used to feel. Change is a very real and constant fact of life and the more comfortable we are with understanding our own needs when going through a major change, the easier the transition will be.

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What is the major transition you are going through right now?
2)    What are the range of feelings you are experiencing? How are you handling them?
3)    Who is helping you go through your transition?

If you are going through a major life or work transition and are confused, angry, or sad, it might be a good time to contact a life transition coach who can help you gain clarity on what is going on and how to make it through your transition gracefully and confidently. Change happens all the time, you can learn how to handle it fearlessly. Please contact me for a complimentary session to decide if coaching is the right process for you.

The Gifts of Not Fitting In

2011-03-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

As the mother of an 11 year old girl, I am aware of the angst about who is popular and who isn’t, what clothes are in, how your hair should be straightened like everyone else’s, what shoes to wear, etc. These thoughts grow with us as we grow. Fitting in and being accepted by a “majority” or an arbitrary norm is what many people struggle with.

As adults we go with the flow of life unaware that many of our decisions are based on being accepted by others, fitting in with colleagues or superiors at work. Just like children in the playground we become aware of who has the most toys and might be someone good to hang out with.

In fact, trying to fit in is what we all do. From the cars we drive, the neighborhoods we live in, the electronic devices we use, to the clothes we wear, the places we vacation in, etc. It’s all about being influenced by something we heard on TV, the internet, a friend, family, etc. Our choices are limited by mass consciousness.

It is all fine, until something goes wrong. With all of our due diligence inevitably, something will happen: a parent will die, a diagnosis will come in, a job will be lost, etc. and we frantically run around sometimes in circles trying to find an answer. Those of us who believe we have always fit in find this extremely difficult. How could this have happened? Faced with our own raw emotions, we no longer fit in and shock ourselves as well as those around us by our reaction to what has happened.

On the other hand, those of us who are familiar with not belonging or fitting in, tend to handle these types of events more gracefully. There are many gifts that not fitting in provides. Here is my list of reasons to celebrate being different.

The gifts of not fitting in:
1)    Independence
2)    Free to think for yourself
3)    Free to do what you want
4)    Not mentally busy with trying to please or be accepted so you can live your life by your own rules
5)    Compassion for others who do not fit in
6)    A strong leader, not easily influenced
7)    Better able to detect those who try to influence you/not easily gullible
8)    Concerned with being fair
9)    Loyalty towards meaningful relationships
10)    Flexible toward different points of view

Questions to ponder:

1) What are your top three influencers (people or trends that influence you)?
2) Are you ok with these influences?
3) Who would you be without them?

If you would like to further explore the path to true freedom where you make your own choices free from mass consciousness, you may want to consider working with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual coaching is about freeing yourself from out dated beliefs and influences so you can live with true conscious choice. Contact me for a complimentary consultation to decide if this is something you'd like to have in your life.

Dancing Side By Side

2011-02-18T13:36:00.000-05:00

The most challenging work during a coaching session is managing the pace. When I first started, I was pushy and had an agenda to get the client to achieve all the goals they had set out to achieve. As a more seasoned coach, I have learned that you have to be truly present every step of the way. If the client does not want to go where they set out to go, you have to honor that decision. Just like a dance partner, you have to be aware and alert to where your companion is going, how they are moving, and what their needs are every step of the way. This has been an invaluable lesson for me not just in my spiritual coaching sessions, but in life.

I have learned to listen to the rhythm of the dance with my kids and with a teenager and another one who thinks she is a teenager, the rhythm changes constantly! If you think you know what the dance is, and you may even think that you can predict what your partner’s next moves are, you may be surprised. Preparation is not about reading your notes and remembering what worked last time. Preparation is about being present and listening to what is unfolding without any judgment or expectation. Then and only then can you be of the most value and completely satisfied with your work.

The dance is also about how you interact with the rhythm of life itself. We suffer when we are impatient and want things to happen before they do. We suffer when we give up because we didn’t get what we wanted at the time that we wanted it. We suffer when we don’t do our best and short change the opportunities that show up in our lives. We suffer when we don’t listen to the neon blinking messages that are repeated throughout similar experiences. These all have to do with not keeping up with the pace of life. When you are present, not attached to something that happened yesterday, not hoping for something to happen tomorrow, but present here in the now, can you dance the ultimate dance of life.

The dance does require some preparation. You do need to know the steps, be prepared physically, have the right attitude, be flexible, and trust yourself. If you try to pull it along or be an unwilling participant, then it won’t feel like a dance.
Here’s to you dancing all the way, every day!

Questions To Ponder:
1)    When did you last experience the “dance”? What were you doing? How did it feel?
2)    Generally speaking, are you the one who is leading or are you being lead?
3)    When was the last time you experienced resistance in life? How did it get resolved? What changed?

If you are tired of leading or being lead, it might be time to consider spiritual life coaching. Spiritual life coaching is about becoming more aware of the dance of life and how you participate in it. Once you recognize your moves, you can decide to change them if needed. Please contact me if you are interested in pursuing spiritual life coaching to facilitate a life that flows and moves to your own rhythm.

How Do You Break Up?

2011-02-01T08:39:00.001-05:00

Break-ups are traditionally used in the context of ending a romantic relationship. Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of another kind of break-up going on. It’s the breaking up of friendships. These break-ups are not because of some terrible event, betrayal or anything like that. They are break-ups of two people parting ways.

Perhaps you now choose to have different friends and start pursuing different interests than those you had when you were friends with your old friend. Perhaps it is a gradual parting that happens over time. Perhaps after your friend has talked to you for a good 20 minutes and you find yourself bored to tears and inattentive to what was being said, that you decide it has to end. Perhaps you are going through different stages of life, she might be going through early motherhood and you might have chosen not to have children. And who knows, things might change again. Years from now, you might find yourself hungry for that old friendship again.

We don’t have language or etiquette for this type of break-up. We don’t have pop culture or the media showing us different TV or big screen versions of it and so when it happens to us, we are at a loss for words. Typically, we ignore the person, avoid their phone calls, cancel out on them with hopes that they eventually give up. Sometimes, we might actually want them in our life, but at a distance. Perhaps exchanging holiday and/or birthday cards is all we want. But how do we communicate our need to terminate or slow down?

I have seen many a heart breaks over broken up friendships. These types of heart breaks are sometimes even more devastating than those involving the breaking up of a romantic relationship. If it has been a long and meaningful relationship and if the break-up is not due to anything dramatic, it is a loss that most of us don’t know how to deal with. There has been a lot of sharing and time spent together. The friendship has expanded to families and other friends and so in a sense it is like a divorce.

Yet, unlike a divorce, there is no one word or sentence description that defines it for those in the break-up and those around it. We can tell our friends and family that we are going through a divorce but to tell them that we are divorced from another friend is actually more awkward. Whatever we call it or describe it to someone else, it is important to have closure with the person involved. The more important the person has been in our life, the more important it is to find the words to say goodbye or express as best as you can what is happening. Break-ups are hard to do regardless of the language, but closure is imperative in order to not drag around old pains and guilt.

So, if you are in the middle of a break-up or are considering one, please think about a proper goodbye for your own sake. If you have already walked away from a friendship without closure, it is not too late to write a letter or send an email to clear things up. Happy clearing!

Questions to Ponder:
1)    Have you ever ended a friendship that was important to you? How did it happen and what did you say? What do you now wish you had said?
2)    Have you been put aside by a friend? How was the break-up communicated or was it? How did that make you feel? What would you like to have heard from your friend?
3)    How do you move on without holding any grudges or bitterness from a break-up?

If you would like to further explore how your break-ups may have affected your life or if you feel stuck as a result of a break-up, you might consider working with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is a process where you are the driver and the destination is yours to determine. Please contact me if you are interested in a no strings attached consultation.

You Are Not In Charge

2011-01-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Waiting for the school bus, Charlie started barking at an innocent walker. He saw him at a distance and started with the short snorts and growls and as the stranger got closer, he broke into a full barking spell. He does that from time to time and my usual response is to tell him to calm down, or to shut up depending on my mood and how long the barking has been going on. Today, for some reason I reminded him that he wasn’t in charge of the neighborhood. I kept on telling him calmly, “you’re not in charge”.

I wonder how often we are disturbed by whatever is going on because of the misconception that we are in charge or responsible. I wonder if I truly believed that I was not in charge or responsible for all the drivers out there, would I still be annoyed at whoever was driving too slow or too fast or, … Would I be more calm watching the news, if I didn’t believe I was in charge of the world and all its inhabitants and their actions, or opinions?

Truth is the only thing we should be responsible for is our own thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Yet, we readily give that responsibility to everyone else: our spouses, ex-spouses, children, co-workers, bosses, etc.   It seems like everyone else is in charge of our reaction to life. I’m sure if my dog was a human, he’d blame the stranger for his barking fit. However, knowing Charlie, if he could talk, he’d probably say, “I’m a dog and he seemed like a nice guy, I was trying to find out if he wanted to play, I just wanted some attention”.

The next time I get upset about something, I’m going to ask myself: What’s really going on here? Who is in charge? Am I longing for some attention, someone to play with? If nothing else, it sure will get my mind off of whatever was aggravating me and put me in a dog frame of mind.

Questions To Ponder:
1)    What are some instances where you easily get aggravated?
2)    Do you find yourself in charge of the situation (e.g., the highway, the news, politics, etc.) or are you upset because you are not?
3)    What would you like to hear (e.g., you’ve been promoted, these are not your issues anymore, you need a vacation, etc.) from whomever is in charge that would make you feel relieved?

If you find yourself questioning your responsibilities and would like to explore what really matters to you, you may want to work with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is a process where you, the client is the driver and there are no right or wrong answers to any of your questions. Contact me for a consultation to see if this type of facilitation is what you want.

Overcoming Fears

2011-01-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

We are full of fears. We move forward in hopes of not succumbing to our fears. We are afraid of all kinds of things, real (as in it happened to us or someone we know) or imaginary (there is no real way it could happen, but we are still afraid). Some of the most common fears I work with my clients on are: the fear of being lonely, failure, ending up poor and not being able to give the kids a better opportunity, and letting others (parents or family) down.

Within these fears are sub-fears. And when you go even deeper than that, what remains is the fear of death or the fear of nothingness. So, we keep on being busy, doing things, working hard, creating or participating in all kinds of drama, feeling guilty, running to or away from things, incessant worrying and an unhealthy sense of responsibility, etc. in order to avoid the so-called reality of our own mortality. As we get older, it gets worse. Once we see our parents getting old, or when our own health starts deteriorating, we become more obsessed with our addictions.

The more we can fit into a day, the less time for frivolous wanderings. The harder we work, the more we’ll deserve that one week vacation. Only after we’ve slaved away can we justify taking a break. And then, we are so exhausted, that the break is a necessary respite to prevent a physical or mental breakdown. It is also a state of anesthetized rest, to get us prepared for the next week of full activity. And we go on like this until something breaks down or we retire and die.

The ones we hope to be like are the ones who make it to retirement heaven and move away to someplace warm by the ocean and play golf with other people in heaven, praising their successful children who they worked so hard to provide for. The failures are the ones who don’t make it to heaven. They are the ones whose lives fall apart through a devastating loss: divorce, being laid off from work, death of someone close that they never quite get over, health crisis or even their own death.

This really is the biggest fear, the fear of not making it to the end in heaven (as defined by you). No one wants to be like those other people who didn’t make it. No one wants to be the shameful one whose husband left her for a younger woman or the one who couldn’t quite pull it together after his son committed suicide or worse yet, be the one with the diagnosis of terminal cancer. In fact, we keep on telling ourselves, “at least my life is not as bad as XYZ” and that belief is what keeps us motivated to keep on doing what we’ve been doing. It is like we read what we want into what we think we see. Nothing bad has happened to me yet, so I must be doing it right.

Fears feed our addictions. When you see someone who is obsessive about anything, they are afraid of something. They often rationalize and resist the acknowledgment of their fear(s). Most times, they are unaware of what’s really happening and keep on playing an internal game of hide and go seek with them self. This keeps truth at bay.

If you are tired of running in circles, avoiding the truth, all of your fears, etc., it might be time to start working with a spiritual life coach. The first step in changing self defeating patterns and overcoming any fear is always the hardest, because it involves a certain degree of recognition. Usually, people don’t even know that they are afraid of something. They just know that something isn’t right in their world. Either way, start talking, start looking at your deepest, darkest corners with someone who won’t judge you or force you to make any decisions. Spiritual life coaching is about partnering with someone in a safe space and examining and repurposing all the junk that you carry with you every day. Only then can you decide by yourself if you are ready to let any of it go. And when you do, everything will change.

Happy 2011, best wishes for overcoming those pesky, destructive and painful fears!

The Myth of Work-Life Balance

2010-12-15T15:17:00.000-05:00

I absolutely love this short video on the myth of work-life balance . What is so true and compelling is the fact that once we make the decision to have a certain degree of work-life balance, we have to be willing to change the definition of success. It may not mean the salary, title, position, etc. as defined by mass consciousness and the 3-D world. This is when courage and the willingness to be different and go against the grain come in handy.

I hope that we have what it takes to change the world of course, by changing ourselves first!

Questions to Ponder:

1) Do you have work-life balance? How?

2) When did you ever have work-life balance? What were you doing and why is it different now?

3) What would a typical day be like if you had work-life balance?

If you are at a point in your life where work-life balance seems unachievable and you know that if you don't change, something terrible might happen, you might want to consider spiritual life coaching. Spiritual coaching is a process where together we question the rules by which you live and you decide if you want to continue living according to them. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation to decide if you'd like to be coached by me.

When Force Doesn't Work

2010-12-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

I’ve been busy with my hands and my ears lately. In fact, I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had the time to write on my blog. Writing is a form of speaking and I guess I haven’t had much to say. My self- expression has taken the form of preparing meals, wrapping presents, rearranging furniture, arranging flowers, etc.   When I have not been doing that, I have been listening to my clients sharing their frustrations and fears.

Last weekend, I facilitated a workshop on the topic of the rewards and challenges of being a professional bi-cultural woman. Most of the women had experienced either first hand or second hand (through their parents’ experiences) challenges prior to their education and success. In fact, the driving force behind their accomplishments was the lack that their families had experienced. Determined to not experience the hardship of their families, they were pushed to excel to create a better life for themselves and their children.

This type of determination is what most successes in the material and physical world are made of. What feels wrong is when the drive or push becomes a meaningless compulsion out of habit. And it always ends up that way, when we keep on pushing because we think it is the way. Not only isn’t it fun to be pushy, but it stops producing or produces the wrong results. Many times, our forceful ways are misinterpreted or we might get pushed back.

When we are programmed to push and force things to happen, even after a defeat, we get right back up ready for the next battle. This attitude may have been rewarded in athletics or at war, but at work or in life, it is not looked upon that way. This is when the unraveling occurs. What used to work, what you either learned from someone or taught yourself is no longer true. So, how must you be?

Questions to Ponder:
1)    If you find yourself in a situation where nothing that used to work works anymore, what do you do?
2)    What are some things that you used to tell yourself when you were younger and now, you wonder if they are true?
3)    When have you pushed or forced something to happen? And how did it turn out?

Spiritual life coaching is a process where you are allowed and encouraged to question all belief systems that no longer serve you. Through this type of coaching, you will re-create your own reality where you live by your own inner values expressing them, and finding more meaning in the smallest of things. If you are interested in learning more about spiritual life coaching with me, please contact me.

What Are You Feeding On?

2010-11-15T11:20:00.000-05:00

This post is written with Professional Bi-cultural women in mind. The “she” in the article is anyone and everyone I have coached.

I keep on ending up where I started with my coaching conversations. It goes something like this: “so what do you really want?” Rarely do I get a straight answer. Most of the time she goes on explaining something that happened or is happening, hoping that I can infer what it is that she wants. I’ll listen and go back to the same question. She gets frustrated, she says she doesn’t know, or she comes up with another story.

We walk together to the same place, the place we started. Sometimes I am the provocateur, sometimes a teacher, a companion, a friend, and most of the time she knows that I have walked in those exact same steps. She trusts that I won’t belittle the pain, frustration or exhaustion she is feeling. In fact, I won’t even pretend to take it away. She knows that I honor her journey, her choices, and her experience. I have nothing to gain or lose regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.

We sometimes gently and other times, not so gently investigate her food source. What has she been feeding on I ask. Sometimes it is an old memory, the way things used to be, a fantasy, or a dream. Sometimes it is her work, she likes being busy, it numbs the feelings. Sometimes it is her children or her family. Sometimes it is an ex-husband who just won’t go away. Sometimes it is worry about the future, what will happen to her or her children. Sometimes it is the fear of the “what ifs”, her ending up in a situation she had worked so hard not to end up in. Sometimes it is her addiction to control and to perfect. Sometimes it is the drama in her life, her work, or on TV. And sometimes it is food, when she isn’t even hungry.

Once we know what she is really hungry for, then we ask the question again: what do you really want? From this place, abstaining from the junk she really doesn’t want to be feeding on anymore, she can go within and embrace who she truly is and then the real journey begins.

This is why I love what I do. I get to walk with amazing women who inspire me with their courage, honesty and a desire to change every day.

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What have you been feeding on?
2)    What are you really hungry for?
3)    How will you know you’ve found what you’ve really wanted?

Spiritual life coaching is a process that helps clarify your real wants and desires in life. Without the filters and feeding tubes, you can now make conscious choices about where you want to go and how you want to get there. If you’d like to investigate if spiritual life coaching might help you on your journey, please contact me.

Inner and Outer Values

2010-11-02T14:06:00.002-04:00

As a bi-cultural woman I shouldn’t be surprised that most of my clients are other professional bi-cultural women. I have observed what I’d like to call a challenge of inner vs. outer values. This is not limited to bi-cultural women, but they are the ones who have brought this to my attention.

I’d like to think of inner values as those we’ve had for what may seem forever. For example, take Jane, when asked, “What are your top 3 values?” She mentions: freedom, courage, and justice. Based on my interactions with her, it was obvious that honesty was high up there. So I asked her why she didn’t choose honesty, and she was puzzled herself. She said, “I guess it’s just the way I am, so I don’t even think about it”.   Inner values are those you don’t have to think about, they are part of who you inherently are. You would possess and express those values regardless of your circumstances. You might not even notice it in someone else unless of course they weren’t. But, that’s another discussion.

Jane is a bi-cultural woman who is a first generation American. Her parents moved to the U.S. when she was only 10. She had to quickly adapt to a new environment, language, etc. She had to go through being the new kid in school, the new kid who dressed and spoke differently. She had to adjust quickly and learn to be tough so she could survive the challenge of being the different one. She developed the outer values of freedom, courage and justice during this time and she has applied it in her life and career since.

Outer values are developed through challenges and difficult situations that provide the right circumstances. Whether these were always Jane’s values and had been sitting in a dormant state until she moved to another country, we’ll never know and is irrelevant to this discussion.
Outer values are the ones my clients use to navigate through life and challenges. It’s what is at the top of their mind, and consciousness. It’s what they rely on when things go wrong. Ironically, it is also what they struggle with.

For example, Jane’s outer value of freedom is something she talks about all the time. She sees herself free from what other people think, not afraid to push the envelope, a daring to be different quality. However, in her professional life, she is very careful with how she presents herself. She appears to those she works with as a very professional and conservative person. Freedom is a selected value that she uses when she wants to, it is not an inherent inner value. She likes to please authority, and her bosses. However, if something goes wrong at work, if her bosses expect her to lie for example, and her inner value is honesty, she will use freedom, her outer value to get out of that situation. This of course comes across to her bosses as something unexpected. They might even think of her as someone impulsive or erratic because they never saw it coming. When we don’t express all of our values consistently, we can be misunderstood.

What if Jane felt truly free? What if she showed up at work the same way she shows up with her friends or family? What if she allowed her creativity and unconventionality to be expressed at work? Would she still use freedom as a crutch to rely on when things got bad? Or would freedom be something she’d be known for like her honesty?

I’d like to think of our outer values as opportunities for development or conversion into inner values. It takes practice, a mirror and a coach to help us strengthen and consistently use those values so that they become part of our inner or core self if we so choose.

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What are your top 3 inner values?
2)    What are your top 3 outer values?
3)    When do you use your outer values and with whom?

Spiritual life coaching is a client driven process where you can explore your values and determine how you express them in your life and/or work. If you are interested in learning about how you could be consistently in congruence with your own values, please contact me for a complimentary 30 minute consultation.

Attention vs. Acceptance

2010-10-25T12:54:00.000-04:00

This post is related to the previous post and regarding women waking up. The women I work with are all high achieving professionals who are tired of playing the same games and achieving the same small results. They are highly productive doers who refuse to do what others tell them to when it doesn’t make sense to do so.   In fact, they are here to change the way business is done. They are intelligent women, engaged in whatever it is they do and understand how things work and are frustrated about how it just doesn’t make sense anymore.   Their engagement is a result of their attention. They have attended to their accomplishments and broken with tradition either in their own family units, their ancestral lines, cultural norms, or society in general in order to get here.

In the pauses that they take with me, we often speak of acceptance. It is a new concept for them as it was and is for me. Acceptance embodies a sense of non-doing which seems like the unnatural result of what one would expect if you are being highly attentive and engaged. In other words, if I care, I must do something. Caring and doing seem to go hand in hand. Acceptance does not deny caring, in fact, it is the purest form of caring. It is caring but not taking the responsibility for the object of your caring.

Acceptance is caring plus trust.

For example, if as a parent you are involved with your child’s education, you send them to the best schools you can afford, you help create an environment that is conducive to doing their school work, you encourage them and help them when they ask for it, you talk to their teachers, etc. But ultimately, their success in school is up to them. In fact, if you try to do more than provide the right environment and be interested, it can back fire. Kids do not appreciate overly involved parents and need independence and to know that they are trusted. This is an example of acceptance.   If the kid is not interested in doing well or is not pushing himself hard enough, you cannot beat it into him. You accept. Or do you?

An inauthentic form of acceptance is an act filled with empty words. Our demeanor and attitude reflects our level of acceptance.

Sometimes we hide our egos in the guise of responsibility. We claim that we are responsible for our children, our schools, our community and our country. And really the motivating factor for our actions is always our ego. It is about how we want to look or be perceived. I want to be a good parent. I want to be better than my parents. I want to be there for my kids. I want to offer my kids what I didn’t have growing up. These enter our consciousness and all they are, are justifications for trying to control a situation that seems to be out of control.

Acceptance is about allowing. Can we allow our children to become who they want to be, even if that person is not someone we like or approve of? Funny thing is , they don’t really know what they want. So, can we allow them to be someone that they do not quite understand? Can we live with that level of uncertainty when it comes to our most treasured assets, our children?

Peace of mind is achieved with a healthy balance of “being” and “doing” that is sourced from “being”. In other words, when you allow and accept, you pay attention and now can take action if needed. When you show up being responsible for only you and to only yourself, you are a role model to others. Your motivation for doing anything is not for control or for correction, but because it brings you joy. And what better to model than that!

Questions to Ponder:
1)    When and what do you accept and allow?
2)    Who and what are you responsible for?
3)    What does the term acceptance mean to you?

If you are a highly accomplished professional and are finding yourself tired, hopeless, and disappointed in the quality of your life, your relationships, and the sacrifices you’ve had to make for your career, you might consider spiritual life coaching to connect with the bigger picture of your life in a safe, non-judgmental space. If you would like to learn more about spiritual life coaching with me, please contact me for a complimentary consultation.

Awakening Women

2010-10-15T10:51:00.000-04:00

I work with and encounter professional women in their late thirties into their early fifties. Many are going through huge transitions, some are getting the itch to make a change, and others are just plain dissatisfied but don't know how to go about making the tough decisions. I call them awakening women. They are waking up from the dream of a life they have created but does not fit them anymore. There are many of us and no, we are not crazy, hormonal, or imbalanced. This is not just a phase, it is very real and is crying out for our attention. We are finally stirred to wake up.

Here is my top 10 list of signs of women waking up:

1. They are taking all kinds of inventories (past friends, boyfriends, jobs, places they've lived, etc.)
2. They consider or dream about running away
3. They are overwhelmed by all the activity and expectations by others in their lives
4. They are reading self-help and spiritual books, taking yoga and meditation classes, going to a therapist or a coach
5. They start hanging out with their girlfriends more often
6. They fantasize about a simpler life
7. They tell themselves they have to do this for a few more years and then they'll do what they're really passionate about
8. They realize most conversations bore them and they are not engaged in the day to day part of their lives
9. They realize they are not fully satisfied with having it all
10. They wonder what happened to the person they were years ago

Questions to Ponder:
1) Do any of the signs above ring a bell for you? Do you have signs of your own you'd like to share?
2) How are you responding to your awakening?
3) What gets in the way of expressing who you really are?

I would like to spend more time writing about this topic because I believe it is a huge opportunity for women to finally listen to the voice of their own soul and to create the life they consciously choose. If you are tired of all the work you have done and continue to do, the struggle, the juggling, the stress, and have started to wonder about your own mortality and what your life is all about, you might consider spiritual life coaching. Spiritual life coaching is a an open-ended process where you, the client decide what you want and with clarity and conscious choice move through obstacles that have held you back. If you'd like to hear more and are ready to take the next step, contact me for a 30 minute phone consultation.

The Perils of Multitasking

2010-10-07T13:12:00.000-04:00

Nervous and apologetic , she was almost trembling as she spoke while scanning the room with her eyes. I don’t think she was aware of how obvious it was. She fumbled into her purse looking frantically for her keys while continuing with the conversation and scanning the room. She stood up ready for us to leave and I was a bit worried that she might trip over something. In fact, as distracted as she seemed, she warned me about the waiter who was coming my way. I left her feeling exhausted and glad to be by myself wondering how she really felt.

This is the portrait of an extreme multi-tasker. Her nervousness was probably part of her personality, but the distraction and lack of focus, yet total focus on everything else are what extreme multi-taskers are all about. They tend to over-commit and won’t say no to anyone. They stay up into all hours of the night to get the job done. They are a boss’s delight. They keep their family’s appointments and make sure everyone’s needs are met. They tend to neglect their own needs and desires. With time, they forget they have any.

An extreme multi-tasker is on a path of self-destruction. The destruction takes the form of a health crisis, failure of her marriage, or an accident. Some use this time-out to regroup and change their ways, some don’t know how, so even though, their intentions are to change, they fall back into their old ways. And some don’t know that anything needs to change at all, so they carry on as usual.

Extreme multi-taskers live life as if they have to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 20 all by themselves 24/7 every day.   Even the calm multi-taskers become victims of stress, distraction and even alienation from others. After all, who wants to be around someone who is always looking around for something else to do or take care of, and ignore the person they happen to be with.

Multitasking has become such a norm that if you do not admit that you are doing it, you are looked upon as lazy, incompetent, slow, or stupid. The truth is no one is really multitasking. If you zoom into what is actually happening, you will see that any one person can only do one thing at a time. You may have many pots on the stove’s burners but at any one time, your attention is only on one pot.

I am all for the spirit of multitasking. That means, I am all for preparing Thanksgiving dinner for 20 by myself, but I am not fooled into thinking that I can have all 4 burners going at once with the turkey in one oven and a pie in the other while making a salad and serving drinks. That is not happening and cannot happen without something burning, getting over cooked, under cooked, or missing an ingredient! You’ve heard of the texting while driving phenomenon, that’s a perfect example of why multitasking doesn’t work.

So, why do we multitask? We are expected to, we think we can, there’s a lot to do, others do it and so can we, etc.

Questions to Ponder:

1)    When and why do you multitask? Does it work for you? Has it ever not worked?
2)    Do you feel like you are giving a task or a project sufficient attention when you are multitasking? Do you ever worry about the things you may have over looked?
3)    Do you wish you didn’t have to multitask? If you didn’t have to, what would your life or work be like?

If you are stressed out by all the demands of your life and feel like you cannot multitask any more without crashing out, you may want to talk to a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is a process where you, the client is in the driver’s seat at all times, determining where you’d like to go focusing on the goal you share with your spiritual life coach, CHANGE. If you’d like to talk this over with me, please contact me.

Top Ten Reasons Why People Stay Busy

2010-10-03T10:03:00.000-04:00

I recently had a conversation with someone who had left the corporate world but had decided to get back in. She was asking me if I had missed “it”. When I inquired further, I began to understand the “it” she was referring to. The addictive “it” was the busyness and passed down sense of purpose and identity that is the gift of going to work for a big corporation.

She said she had missed not being busy, having a place to go every day, having her day planned out already, etc. I had to agree that I missed some of “it” too. And yet, I don’t think I could go back to living like that.

During our conversation she explained that as stressful as it was, it was easier in so many other ways. And I started to see the parallels between what she was saying and busyness in general. I admit not everyone feels that way about going to work, but ask anyone who hasn’t had to do it for a while, after the pay check, the part they miss the most is the “it” I have described below.

Here is the “it” as I see it. I have summarized it as my top ten reasons why people stay busy.

1.    They feel important when they have things to do
2.    They are addicted to being busy
3.    It is accepted and encouraged that being busy is a good thing (cultural norm)
4.    It helps them feel like they are doing something and are needed
5.    It doesn’t give them time to think about what really matters
6.    It keeps them from getting bored
7.    It provides an excuse for everything they are not doing
8.    It makes the day go by faster
9.    It helps keep insanity, drama, and stress alive and in control
10.    It numbs the pain of whatever might have caused some pain in their life

I could go on and on, but I am blessed not to be busy in that way anymore.

Questions to ponder:

1)    Do you like being busy? If so, what is the best thing about it?
2)    Can you remember a time when you were completely satisfied and fulfilled and were not busy? What were you doing?
3)    What kind of busy do you like and enjoy?

Maybe you don’t have any idea what you need and are torn by the idea that being busy might not have served you well, even though you thought it was the way to be. If you’d like to explore spiritual life coaching and how it might help you re-assess where you are and how you’d like to live, do not hesitate to contact me.

Detachment

2010-09-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

This morning I was out early with my dog. It was still dark. Patiently waiting for him to do his business, I heard crackling sounds in the woods behind our house. I listened carefully trying to figure out what it was. Finally, after an acorn fell right in front of me, I realized that the crackling was the sound of acorns falling off the trees. We have lived here for over 7 years and I must admit, I had never heard the acorns hitting the branches and popping onto the ground before.

What was different today?

I was quiet. It was early and I had just woken up with no thoughts in my head but to take the dog out. I was not being impatient with him, hoping he’d get done quickly, so we could go back in. I was not planning my day and going over all the details. I was just there, quiet in the back yard. I was still and the acorns were loud!

I wondered how many other times had I not heard the noises outside too overwhelmed with the noises inside.

I came in comforted. In a strange way it was comforting knowing that life was happening out there without my interference. I was not needed in any way. Soon the leaves will change color and start falling and I may or may not hear all of that and it won’t matter, because life goes on, change happens, and I am not needed.

There might have been a time when this thought would have disturbed me. These days, it is a blessing to be able to get quiet enough to hear the sounds of life without getting personal about it. It does not mean I am getting old, it isn’t about me. It does not mean I am going crazy, it isn’t about me. In fact, this understanding that none of it is about me, gives me great comfort and joy.

It gets better: it isn’t about me and it has never been about me! I love this. This is detachment. This is the moment in yoga when everything stops and you feel wonderful. This is the moment in meditation when you are fully present and it is all so effortless. And I got here while my dog was doing his doo doo in the grass two steps away from me! I guess the path to enlightenment is different for all of us…

Questions to Ponder:
1.    Have you ever been amazed at the ordinary things (a leaf, the shape of a branch, the sound of birds, etc.) when out in nature? How long does the sense of wonder last?
2.    What does detachment mean to you?
3.    Imagine a situation where you are involved in some kind of human drama, what would happen if you believed that it had nothing to do with you?

Spiritual life coaching is about learning skills like detachment in order to live a more satisfying and fulfilling life. If you’d like to learn more about how spiritual life coaching can help enhance your well being and reduce stress in your life, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I work with people on all different kinds of paths with ultimately the same goal.

What Keeps Us Together

2010-09-18T17:40:00.000-04:00

They were in their 80s. One of them still is. The other one passed away. They were married to each other for 58 years. He was the warm one, sweet as can be and always smiling. She was serious and somewhat austere. Or so they seemed to the rest of us.

If I had known them 20 years ago, I would have wondered why or how they had stayed married for so long. They seemed so different from one another. I don’t do that anymore, not just because I know enough to know that I don’t know anything about what people are really like just by observing them from a distance.

I know that relationships change, people change, life changes people. I know that what keeps two people willingly and happily together for 58 years is something deeper and more important than their personalities, circumstances, upbringing, and even love for each other. These things can help or hinder their bond, and can be used as an excuse to break up their reasons for staying together, but ultimately it is something more intangible that keeps them together for that long.

There is a certain amount of wisdom that naturally flows into us as we age. This wisdom is not pushy or forceful, it is a gentle guest that is invited when we stop fighting life. When we listen to it and embrace it, we start seeing things differently. When we go beyond what annoys us about the other person, and stop nit picking and focusing on what we want for us, life opens up.

The concepts of happiness and peace change with that as well. We realize that it was never about the other person. We recognize that the source of true contentment is in us, not somewhere out there, in someone else, in a relationship, in a job, in our children, in a house, etc.

We stop burdening others with our own dissatisfaction and expectations and start really living for a change. Life becomes bigger than us and our problems.

I’d like to think that this is what kept them together for 58 years. I’d like to think that when two wise people finally recognize what truly matters, they only embrace and appreciate each other’s wisdom and let go of all the other small matters.

Questions To Ponder:
1)    Think about a meaningful relationship of yours that has lasted the test of time. What makes you still want to hang out or be with that person?
2)    Has your relationship changed over time? How?
3)    How have the changes in you helped or hindered your relationship?

Spiritual life coaching is an open-ended process that begins and ends where YOU need it to. Maybe the concept of maintaining or staying in a long-term relationship keeps you from moving forward in your life, or maybe it is something altogether different. If you’d like to learn more about spiritual life coaching, I would be happy to talk to you. Email or call me now and find out how we can work together to help you feel more satisfied and happy in your relationships.

Opposites Together

2010-09-10T09:10:00.000-04:00

I’ve been watching the US Open Tennis Tournament for the past few weeks and am amazed at the talent, strength, and athleticism of the players, not to mention their dedication and desire to win. During an especially close match, I catch myself choosing one player over the other. Inevitably, when I do this, I am disappointed if the player I wanted to win, does not, and I usually pick the underdog, so I am usually disappointed!

At times, I have not picked a winner or a player. I have stayed the unbiased observer. I have taken in the intensity of both players, enjoyed the back and forth of the game without any expectations, and at the end, found myself having a richer and more profound experience. No, it is not the same as the excitement and high that follows when your player wins, but it doesn’t have the disappointment of defeat either. In fact, it is not about winning or losing, it is about the opportunity to participate as an observer of this fantastic opportunity to watch two extraordinary humans who have dedicated their whole life to this one moment, battle it out. It becomes so much more than tennis.

When we live in duality always taking one side or the other, we invite drama in. Drama is fun, but it can burn you up and like a sugary treat, it doesn’t really satisfy you in the long run. Furthermore, it blinds you to other possibilities. It does not allow for you to participate in other aspects, understand the other side, or know anything other than your own opinion.

Life is truly a brilliant mosaic made up of so many shapes, colors, and angles, and none of it is wrong or right. It is how they all play together. If we could just step back, become the observer, and watch without expectation or attachment.

(This post was inspired by a beautiful poem I recently read, called Fire by Judy Sorum Brown)

Fire

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs packed in too tight
can squelch a fire, can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water can.

So building fire
requires tending in a special way,
attention to the wood
as well as to the spaces in between,
so fire can catch, can grow, can breathe,
can build its energy and warmth
which we so need in order
to survive the cold.

We need to practice building open spaces
just as clearly as we learn
to pile on the logs.
It’s fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible,
let it develop in the way that’s
possible when we lay logs in just the way
the fire wants to go.

Then we can watch it as it leaps and plays,
burns down and then flames up in unexpected way.
Then we need only lay a log on it from time to time.
Then it has life all of its own,
a beauty that emerges
not where logs are but where spaces can invite the flames
to burn, to form exquisite
patterns of their own,
their beauty possible
simply because the space is there,
an opening in which flame
that knows just how it wants
to burn can find its way.

Questions to ponder:
1) Have you ever been the observer in your own life? If so, when and how did it feel?
2) Is there drama in your life? How do you handle drama?

Try this experiment: if you are in a super busy and crazy place like an airport or stuck in rush hour traffic, detach from your reasons for being there (traveling, etc.) and just become an observer as if you have nowhere to go, but be there. What happens when you do this?

Take some time to think this over or ponder with a friend. If you feel the need to talk with a spiritual life coach, email or call me and we can discuss what you are afraid to give up when you become the observer in your own life.

The Journey

2010-09-02T12:51:00.000-04:00

This has been a summer of road trips. My husband and I have discovered that we actually prefer traveling by car on our vacations. It has been less stressful and liberating when you can go when you want to and take as many pieces of luggage as your car can handle without paying those pesky airline fees. Your destination is where you decide at the last minute and you can see what is around the corner, and even stop to take pictures.

What I found enlightening is the transition from one state or location to another. You get such a better feel for the Midwest for example vs. the high paced life of the East Coast. And when you are gradually going through the transition by car, you can actually appreciate it more. When you are not focused on why isn’t the plane taxiing to your gate already, you notice the kinds of vegetation, the hills and valleys and even the pace of life.

This summer, I enjoyed getting to our destinations.

Looking at life from the same perspective, I can feel the same way about the journey as I do about the destination. These days, the destination is becoming more and more blurry. The journey on the other hand is palpable and immediate. It includes all the ups and downs, boredom, excitement, and everything in between. If life was just a series of destinations without the transitions in between, it would be kind of scary not to mention incredibly hard to handle.

Transitions or journeys give us the opportunity to adjust, absorb, and truly experience the destination. In other words, it is what life is all about. When I hear my clients who are going through a tough divorce wish themselves into another relationship as quickly as possible, it is as if they are not honoring the journey.

As difficult as a transition such as divorce can be, it is the opportunity to celebrate a good decision, make a change, say no to victimhood, and even appreciate what you have learned. Just like the road trip, if you are focused on the pain to go away or familiarity to set in (by jumping into a new relationship), it is like the kids in the back seat repeatedly asking if we are there yet.

Pain and suffering are real only to those who are focused on the destination.

If life was just about the destination, then it would be a fast paced movie with the highlights being points that got us closer to the end which is inevitably, death. I am trying not to rush through life so I can get closer to death. These days, I am enjoying and accepting every moment including all the so-called flaws and imperfections, so I can finally live. I just wish I knew what I know now 20 years ago!

Questions to Ponder:
1)    What area of your life do you find yourself focused on the destination? What is so uncomfortable about the journey?
2)    What was a perfect event in your life? Which moment in that event was the perfect one? What made it perfect?
3)    If you still think it is all about the destination, what are your perfect or ideal destinations in life? Start from the beginning and list the destinations. Now, how do you plan on going from point A to point B?

Spiritual life coaching is a journey to help the client dismantle stuck old beliefs that just don’t work any more. It is a client driven process where you decide what area you’d like to focus on. If you are not sure how to get unstuck or could use my support, please contact me for a conversation that might help you find the journey you want to take.

On Being Good

2010-08-25T11:00:00.001-04:00

Have you ever noticed how obsessed we are with the concept of good? We use the word all the time, we greet people with a "good morning" and end the conversation with "have a good day" or "goodbye". We tell our babies how good they are, or the dog how good he’s been after doing his business outside.

Goodness naturally spills into righteousness. Doing good work becomes doing the right thing. Being responsible is a good thing. We want our children to be good and work hard and be responsible adults. It’s all about being good.

Does anyone teach their children to do bad things? They probably do, but I guess they do it thinking it is the right thing. This is where it gets messy. What is good to someone may not be to someone else. What I may think of as healthy affection towards my baby, might come across as spoiling him to someone who thinks you need to be stern with children so they grow up being humble and do good. This is all tied to being good.

In fact, I am going so far as saying that we have built lives out of our obsession with being and doing good. This obsession at times feels like a prison. Its walls are so thick that we can’t see what’s going on outside. We have barricaded ourselves in our prison cell with what we think is good and sometimes it gets stifling and claustrophobic.

Feelings of unworthiness also can come out of that same prison. When bad things happen or when what you try so hard to achieve does not, then you go into your unworthiness corner. It happened or did not happen because I was not good enough.

Other belief systems that stem from this obsession with goodness include: competitiveness (I have to be even better or I have to be the best), righteousness (X is good, Y is bad), rule of life (if I do good, good will come to me), criticism (not good), perfectionism (not good enough), justice (if you do bad things, you’ll be punished), etc. It seems that everything we’ve been taught has been about being good.

I would not be writing this article, if our belief in goodness was all that we needed to navigate through lives that have been hit hard by loss, and unprecedented bad times. I am reminded of the conversation I had with a previously religious person who believed her father was a saint and had done nothing but good to drop dead just when he retired and finally had some money to live a comfortable life. She was angry at God, the same God who her father had prayed to daily and gone to church for every Sunday. She could not understand or forgive God. Being good had not earned her father any points on earth. So, why bother being good?

It all comes down to choice. If someone told us, “do good only because you want to, not for any other reason” then it wouldn’t become a prison. Better yet, if someone told us, “do whatever you want, it doesn’t matter”, then what would we choose to do? When I tell myself that, I tend to freeze. It is as if, nothing makes sense anymore. And I am reminded that what supposedly made sense, was just what I had believed in, that goodness mattered.

Today, I believe that goodness matters. It matters to me. I don’t try to be good for any reason other than it feels good. When it stops feeling good, when it becomes an obligation, a judgment, a heavy responsibility or burden, is when I stop doing what I believed to be good. It makes sense: the moment it stops feeling good, it isn’t good anymore!

I am learning to navigate the world of shifting realities, endless potentials, and softly held beliefs gingerly and with eyes wide open…

Questions to Ponder:
1) What is one belief that you have held on to most of your life? How did it become yours?
2) How has it served you?
3) Are you willing to give it up? Why?

Take some time to think this over or ponder with a friend. If you feel the need to talk with a spiritual life coach, email or call me and we can discuss what your beliefs mean to you or where you might be feeling stuck.

Entitlement

2010-08-17T11:00:00.000-04:00

I used to think that people who had a strong sense of entitlement were also infused with a huge ego. Recent encounters with more people who behave as if the world and all of its other occupants are here to serve them, has lead me to believe that what they are actually inflicted with is a very narrow vision that together with a huge ego, can run over others like a tank.

When you think that you and your needs or desires are at the center of the world, then naturally everyone else is here to serve you.

I’ve seen this in the case of my teenage son, and as teenagers go, it seems that they have this type of vision in common to some degree or another. As a parent, by teaching him about the world and showing him as much of it as I can and inviting him to read about places and lives he knows nothing about, I hope that it will expand his view. With this expansion of his narrow vision, hopefully he will be cured of his sense of entitlement.

But what about adults who behave this way? It is more common than you think. You probably know quite a few. And then there is the accepted form of entitlement that most businesses practice. From the entitled guests at your house who think they can do what they do in their own home at yours without asking if they can, to tele-marketers who call at night asking what your mortgage rate is, everyone thinks they can have a piece of you. And they can, unless you decide that you won’t play that game.

These days we also have the soft and gentle entitlement gurus. That would be the salespeople who have obtained your phone number or email and keep on infusing you with messages, advertising, and special deals on all kinds of things that you just didn’t know you needed. They act as if they are entitled to your time, your inbox, and hopefully your money.

Hence, the young clerk at the cash register of the local store where you are buying an over-priced t-shirt made in a developing country for pennies, feels entitled to ask you in a loud voice so everyone can hear: your address please, your phone number, and your email, etc. And when or if you say, I don’t like to give out all of this information, I just want to buy this t-shirt, they look at you like you have horns on your head. In fact, you look like you are being rude!

When you say no to the entitled of this world, they don’t like it and it is highly probable that they will try to make you look like the bad guy. It is a great strategy and it works for them. However, if you’ve had enough, you no longer want to be stepped on or even gently be pecked at, you can politely remove yourself from all those email lists and refuse to give out information or even say no to anyone who wants a piece of you.

It can be done without drama (you don’t have to slide out of a plane or yell out any expletives). It is called reclaiming your own power. And when you do, you’ll feel wonderful.

Points and questions to ponder:

1)    Take some time to observe your life and your interactions with others. Do you mostly approach life and people as if they are there for your needs? Examine the way you treat service people (waiters, sales clerks, etc.), do you treat them like they are someone to go through to get to what you want (dinner, your dry cleaning, etc.)? Do you pretend to be interested in them to develop a relationship, so you can do business with them later on? Are you ever really interested in connecting with the people you come across in life?

2)    Have you ever been taken advantage of by someone else? How did that make you feel? What did you do about it? How would you have like to have behaved? What will you do the next time someone tries to feed off of you?

3)    When and whom do you say no to?

If you are ready to reclaim your own power in all areas of your life, and think that you might need some help, contact me so we can talk and you can determine if a spiritual life coach could help you on your journey of empowerment.

Excuses

2010-08-03T14:22:00.001-04:00

During a recent conversation with someone, I was once again reminded of how often we use excuses for not addressing the real cause of our true dissatisfaction. She was expressing her regret at not getting a good education when she was younger. She continued with how she would have been able to have a better job, make more money, etc. I stopped her in her tracks and asked, “and what would that give you?” She looked at me like I was crazy, “well isn’t that enough? A good job with a good salary?”

So often we blame our outer circumstances for our unhappiness. There are a good number of people with an education, a good job with a good salary who are dissatisfied with life. For someone who does not have much or comes from a place of hard work and not having much growing up, it seems like a dream come true.

It is so easy to rationalize our dissatisfaction. I am unhappy because I don’t have X, or if I had Y, I’d be happy. Such simplifications at best keep people motivated to go for more, and at worst makes them envious of those who have what they don’t. Either way, it keeps them on a linear path of the object they are missing, close to achieving it or far away with no hope of getting there. Such obsessions become part of their narrative and the way they look at life and interpret whatever is happening.

We all look out into the world through our own lens. The more hardship we experience the thicker the lens gets. At some point we cannot see without our glasses. What if we looked at this example differently?

Imagine you have perfect vision and then something happens in your life or you have to live with a difficult situation, you start wearing glasses because you can only see what you think you want to see with those glasses. Every opinion you form, every judgment you pass, every pain you endure becomes another layer between you and reality. In time, what you think you see isn’t even close to the real thing.

If you find yourself making up excuses for what you are missing in your life or blaming others, or different circumstances for what you are experiencing, it is time to stop. Take off your glasses and see what is really there. You might find that the story you’ve been repeating in your own head was just that, a story, an old and irrelevant story.

It is time to step out of your story and start living!

Questions to ponder:
1)    What is the tape you keep on replaying in your head when you are dissatisfied with something?
2)    What is it that you think you need in order to be happy?
3)    Have you ever been completely satisfied? What did it feel like? How could you feel that way again?

Spiritual life coaching is an open-ended process that begins and ends where YOU need it to. Maybe you hang on to excuses in a way that keeps you from moving forward in your life, or maybe it’s something altogether different. Either way, if you think you could benefit from working with a spiritual life coach, contact me.

Optimism, Pessimism, and Reality

2010-07-22T17:09:00.000-04:00

Are you one of those people who appears to be looking at the glass as being half full or half empty? The analogy of the half full or half empty glass is a funny one. Either way, it does not change the reality of the situation.

Typically, the person seeing it as half empty is described as being negative. However, the person’s expectation might be for the glass to be full, so they are concerned about it not being the way they’d like it to be. If you look at it this way, they are actually being positive.

On the other hand, the one seeing it as the glass being half full, is perceived to be happy with a half full glass. Does this imply that they never expected it to be full?

Whatever your tendency might be (to be excited about whatever is happening or focused on what did not happen), the reality of the situation has not been affected by your tendencies.

If you are setting goals for yourself and then looking back to see if you accomplished them, what happens?

Do you focus on what got done, embellish the facts and skip the part that didn’t happen? Do you beat yourself up for what you did not accomplish? Or do you objectively look at the whole picture and focus on what got done, what didn’t, and why?

Reality is never affected by our tendencies. Our own personalities and moods are affected by them.

If you approach every situation with the goal of keeping it real, you can be an objective attendee in your own life without the unnecessary drama. So, the next time someone asks you if the glass is half full or half empty, just say, “oh who cares how I see it, it is what it is” and then move on. That will give them something to talk about…

Questions To Ponder:
1)    How does your optimism or pessimism affect reality?
2)    What is reality?
3)    How would you like to approach life?

Take some time to think this over or ponder with a friend. If you would like to speak with a spiritual life coach, email or call me and we can discuss how your attitude can affect your life or where you may be feeling stuck.

Surrender To Peace

2010-07-14T16:38:00.000-04:00

While having lunch with an old friend today, our conversations lead to moments in life when we folded over and just gave up. Laughing, we both agreed that in our younger days, we would have never given up or surrendered. Our dog has to have surgery on his knee soon, and I am feeling helpless, not knowing if this is the right decision and I find myself once again in a state of surrender I remember being in before.

There was the time when my new born son had to have surgery and as they rolled him away into the operating room, I gave up and surrendered to something greater than the both of us. Then there was the time when my daughter had to get stitches on her cut eyebrow and even though the surgeon kept reassuring me that she wasn’t feeling any pain, she kept screaming, I surrendered as I sat there holding her and attempting to calm her down. There was the time when my father died and I felt lost, helpless, not knowing what to do, I surrendered and gave up trying to figure out what to do.

In all of these moments, I gave in to something much bigger than me or the situation I had found us in.

Looking back at all of these moments, what stands out is a great sense of peace that over took my mind and comforted my breaking heart each and every time.

I can’t help but wonder why we wait for a calamity or something close to our heart to be ripped apart to surrender. Surrender works when you don’t have the answers, when you have tried everything you could and still don’t know what to do, or why it happened, etc.

I wonder if we can access that peace that is beyond our human understanding in every moment of every day. Is it always there and we are just too busy, thinking and doing our lives away to notice it? Is it waiting for us to call out to it, to make itself accessible? Or is it just patiently hanging out with us while we anesthetize ourselves with busyness and drama and then one instant when something doesn’t work out as planned and we get disconnected from our regularly scheduled programming, we bump into it and like an old friend we get reacquainted again and wonder why we haven’t kept in touch?

Whatever the case may be, I know that after all that you could do has been done, it is time to surrender.

Surrender is not a sign of defeat, it is a request for help. The term surrender is not one of my favorites, in fact, I remember a time in my younger days when I hated that word. I would never surrender I thought. Surrender to what? I thought I knew all the answers.

Life’s bumps and bruises have gifted me with a new appreciation for the concept of surrender. I don’t have to know what I surrender to, I just need to know that I don’t know all the answers and that’s ok. I need to know that it is ok to make what might seem to be a mistake from time to time.

It is ok to give up. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok. All is well. In fact, it has always been and will always be ok. There is a wisdom greater than what is in our heads that if we get quiet enough, we can tap into. That is what true surrender means to me. It is about stepping out of ego and into spirit.

Questions to ponder:

1)    What does surrender mean to you?
2)    Are you comfortable with the idea of surrendering?
3)    Have you ever surrendered? What did it feel like? What was the outcome?

Spiritual life coaching is an open-ended process that begins and ends where YOU need it to. Maybe the concept of surrender is an issue that keeps you from moving forward in your life, or maybe it’s something altogether different.

Inner or Outer Change?

2010-06-28T11:30:00.000-04:00

The kind of change most people have learned to handle is outer change. Outer change is like changing a job or a house, you are still the same person at your new job, you are taking your old stuff to your new house. So, what has changed? A different order of activities, new faces, new name on your paycheck, new address your bills are being delivered to, etc. Under normal circumstances, we can handle these kinds of changes because we are equipped with the tools to organize our outer lives. Even if we don’t like the new boss or the new neighbors, we think we know how to deal with them.

Sooner or later, the same issues creep up. The new job starts out fresh and then once you learn the ropes and get to know the people, you start seeing parallels between this and the old job. You start having the same old feelings, the same itch and dissatisfaction. You immediately start evaluating and re-evaluating the situation and think of ways to either change things or leave for greener pastures. And the cycle will repeat itself.

They come back, the beliefs. They come back to remind you of how important they are. They come back to take hold of you. They come back for you to recognize who is really in charge. When you let them be in charge, when you become their follower and believer, you are comforted. All is in order once again. The place you were uncomfortably hanging out at, where you thought you could change the belief, or let it go completely without replacing it with anything else, no longer exists. You are not wobbly and fearful anymore. All is as it had been before. You are safely held in place. This is when you think and experience life as one outer change after another.

If however, you take any opportunity for outer change as an opportunity for inner change, then things will get interesting! That is when you find yourself in the uncomfortable hanging out place mentioned earlier. Inner change is not comfortable. It is not familiar; it is not validated by anyone or anything out there. Inner change is lonely. Inner change is uncertain. Inner change is not easy and that is why most people won’t go through it voluntarily. Why would they want to, when they have all of their old beliefs supporting, comforting, and defending their old self, or the way things used to be.

Life’s biggest transitions are opportunities for inner and outer change. Unfortunately, they are usually involuntary and feel like they have been done to us (e.g., loss of a job, loss of a loved one, divorce, etc.). The truth of the matter is that if they hadn’t happened, we would not have made the changes that would guide us towards living a more fulfilling life. Hanging on to our stories and beliefs is a safe and cowardly way of living. For some it is the only way they know how. If you are still reading this article, chances are you are not one of them. You are ready for inner change. You are ready for living a different life. Listen to the voice that has lead you here and take action, get help, there are lots of resources waiting for you to declare your readiness and make the choice for deep inner change. Congratulations!

Now What?

2010-06-14T11:40:00.000-04:00

So, I am spiritual, now what? Sometime in the process of awakening, you are faced with the question of now what do I do? I know better, I understand that there is something out there or in here, wherever, that I am connected to, how does this knowledge help me? And that is precisely where the issue lies. If you find yourself swimming or drowning in this question, you are still in your head. The moment it starts shifting from a brain-based knowledge to an experience-based knowledge is when you stop asking the question: now what?

We all know better, yet we still make the same mistakes, we fall for temptations and forget what really matters in life. This is a perfect example of how just knowing something doesn’t mean you are going to act accordingly.

If you’ve read all the books and gone to all the workshops and you are still in a place where you feel stuck, it is time to put the learning into your experience. Where in your body do you feel the knowledge and if you say I don’t feel anything, that’s further evidence that you are stuck in your thoughts or in your head.

True learning is not just about mental analysis. If you want to know if you have truly learned something, you may want to ask yourself what happened in your life in the past 3-5 months that mirrored what you have learned? True and complete learning is about integration and melding for shifts in consciousness to occur.

To help you get un-stuck, please ponder these questions: If nothing seems to be moving, where exactly do you think or feel you are stuck? If you were un-stuck, what would that feel or look like?

Is This Equality?

2010-06-10T14:38:00.000-04:00

As a professional and educated woman born in the 60s in a country where men and women were by no means considered equal, I have spent a great deal of effort and hard work in creating first a career and then a life where I felt I was not less than a man in any way. I didn’t do any of it, with a suit of armor or an anti-male agenda, but in the spirit of “I would love to be able to …” and without knowing that there might still be some obstacles in my path. Having immigrated to the U.S. in the 80s, I thought I had arrived. No one could tell me I couldn’t achieve something. I was fully unaware of what is commonly referred to as a glass ceiling.

Today, as a mother of both a boy and a girl, I am constantly re-evaluating my perception of the issues facing men and women. Last week, I went as a chaperone on a camping trip with my son and six of his friends. We all had a blast. The other two parents like me were mesmerized by what we learned about our sons. Seven boys with seven very distinct and different personalities managed to get along just fine. They were harsh with each other at times, yet they laughed about it, they teased each other, and then everything was ok. They were together, one unit with their individualities intact. Laying in the tent that night, listening to their juvenile and loud conversations blasting out from their tents into ours, I realized that I would not be so relaxed if I ever did this with my daughter and six of her friends. I closed my eyes and imagined what that would be like, and all I could think of was drama.

We as girls first and then women create drama, usually because we are sensitive and we are concerned with fairness. Everything is about things being fair, equal, right, etc. When we perceive that there is an injustice somewhere (someone isn’t being nice, we didn’t get our fair share, the wrong person was promoted, etc.), we go into crisis mode. Sure, we probably are correct in our assessment, but what we lost during all of that analysis was a lot of fun, peace, and harmony.

Having said that, whether it be sexual harassment law suits, diversity initiatives, women’s rights, etc., I do believe that all of our discontent and our expression of our discontent, is what has created a more even playing field when it comes to gender issues. And we have all those strong willed, courageous, and passionate women who came before us to thank for all that we have today. However, I think the struggle and fighting has created a consciousness that is not serving us or our daughters anymore. I see 10-14 year old girls asserting themselves in ways that makes their mothers shudder. The media and pop culture doesn’t help parents either. Finding clothes that aren’t suggestive or inappropriate for a 12 year old girl seems like a huge task.

Speaking to parents of boys only, I realized how concerned they are about the boy-girl relationships as they mature and while they are still under our roofs. My son is going to his first dance and he and his friends are sure that they don’t have to do anything, they just show up and the girls will be asking them to dance. At first, I found this role reversal entertaining, until I thought about the ramifications of it as they get older. In fact, I am seeing men in their twenties who do not know how to communicate with a woman and of course, all the technological advancements have made it that much easier to not really communicate. In other words, have we as women created a culture where men don’t know how to treat us?

Is this what we fought for? All that work was done, so we could become one of the “guys” and the guys could become more passive? Are we the ones who are confused about who we are and what we want and hence we are confusing the men? I don’t have the answers to all of these questions, but as a mother of both a boy and a girl, I am concerned about both of them and who their role models are and how they will be as adults. And perhaps I am overly concerned about nothing, especially when I look at what is happening to women in Afghanistan or elsewhere.

Analyze This

2010-05-25T16:41:00.001-04:00

My scientific education taught me to value the so-called power of analysis. The corporate world taught me the concept of analysis paralysis, when the data didn’t provide a compelling reason to move in any specific direction. Of course, in that world, the decision was made by certain people who had their own agendas and the analysis was either misunderstood or ignored to prove a point or another. Today in medicine most physicians will agree that in certain treatments, it is hard to predict what will happen with any given patient. There is an expected outcome based on past data from lots of people and then there is what might happen in the now with a specific patient. Even a dermatologist treating acne will give you the data and let you know that you might fall into the two to five percent of the population that the medication would be ineffective in. Yet, as patients we hear what we want which is, “give me the pill that will fix this problem” and we walk out either hoping that we don’t fall into the small percentage that the drug didn’t work in or we didn’t even hear the doctor, because we were too obsessed with getting fixed.

ACIM (Chapter 11, V. The “Dynamics” of the Ego, v. 13, P. 205) states: “The appreciation of wholeness comes only through acceptance, for to analyze means to break down or to separate out. The attempt to understand totality by breaking it down is clearly the characteristically contradictory approach of the ego to everything. The ego believes that power, understanding and truth lie in separation, and to establish this belief it must attack. Unaware that the belief cannot be established, and obsessed with the conviction that separation is salvation, the ego attacks everything it perceives by breaking it into small disconnected parts, without meaningful relationships and therefore without meaning.”

I am using the example of medicine or science to demonstrate the separation that ACIM talks about. The same concept can be applied to all areas of our lives. Our need to understand and over-simplify by breaking down into pieces has gotten us to become overly myopic and we’re missing the big picture, hence the need for holistic therapies, yoga, spiritual coaching, etc. And then there are so many who are disinterested in understanding their disease or dysfunction or even take responsibility for healing. They put their trust in the doctors, the drugs, the whole system to fix them so they can go about their business as usual. This lack of curiosity feeds into so many things including the consciousness of separation.

I have had to learn the hard way to change my attitude towards getting things “fixed”.   I have been so myopic that all I ever did was put out fires and fix what seemed to have been broken. That was the mode I operated on and I was quite good at it. It all changed when I couldn’t put out all the fires or when nothing was ever solved by my putting out the fires. In fact, it seemed that for every small fire I put out, there would be bigger ones coming at me or worse yet, no one appreciated the fires I had put out. In other words, I had to change my attitude and realize that what I was doing and the way I was going about my business no longer served me, if it ever had. I had to step back and look at the big picture. That is what the term “spiritual” means to me. It is about seeing what is from the biggest perspective possible and with all of the connections to everything else. Unfortunately or fortunately life is not one small incident disconnected and disjointed standing all alone, it is indefinable in every sense of the word. It includes everything. If I hear the news before I step out of the house, and if that news happens to be about some massive oil spill in the gulf of Mexico, I can know for sure that I will have a headache, feel sad, be impatient, etc. So, how can I say that an event that does not affect me directly cannot make me feel sick. Now, if I go to the doctor demanding that she fix this headache I’ve had for a week now without her knowing about the times that my head ache comes and what I was doing when it happened, etc. she might not know what is causing my pain. She might order a whole bunch of diagnostic tests, pain killers, etc. Does that sound like a sound approach to treatment?

What happens when we see ourselves as connected, is the failure of the need to blame. It also places the responsibility for whatever it is we are looking for, on us. We are no longer looking for a quick fix, a pill, a partner, a job, etc. to fix the problem. In fact, when we do it consistently, it takes away the need to look at the situation as a problem. The spiritual in spiritual life coaching is about the practice of observing ourselves as connected to all of life and from that perspective making any changes that we would like to experience.

Questions to ponder:
1)    What or when do you see yourself as separate from all that is?
2)    What do you try to do when you feel separate?
3)    When have you felt connected with all that is? What was that like?

The Box In The Basement

2010-05-17T14:42:00.000-04:00

My husband was looking through an old box from the basement for something his uncle had given him when he graduated from high school. I heard him chuckling and calling my name and insisting that I have to see “this”. “This” was an old photograph of me and a bunch of letters I had written to him back then. I don’t know how to explain this encounter I had with the old or should I say, young me. She looked so fresh, young and naïve. She was pretty and new. I hadn’t thought about her at all. In fact, I had forgotten her. She reminded me of the look of our new kitchen when we first built our house. Today, the cabinets are dinged and a little chipped, worn out, and yet every scratch mark or ding reminds me of an event or a meal prepared. Similar to my kitchen cabinets, my face today reminds me of all the events it has encountered or survived. The battle marks are reminders of a life well lived through many firsts, accomplishments, disappointments, fears, hopes, lessons, and hardships. Perhaps the face of the past, is prettier to look at, but like a raw fruit, it merely represents the potential of a ripe one and ask anyone who has had an unripe pear, it does not taste good. Yet the fear of going past our prime or turning brown as in the case of the pear, keeps us fighting to stay or look young. Reading the letters I had written back then, I realized that the person who wrote them all those years ago, is still amazingly close to who I am today with the exception of a sense of wonderment at what tomorrow has to bring. The only real difference between us is the fact that I have lost that sense of wonder. After all, I know who I married, how many kids I had, where I lived, what I did, etc. The big surprise gifts of life have already been opened, and the surprises at this point of our lives tend to either be the not-so-good ones or the ones that involve our younger loved ones, in other words, it is seeing life through their younger eyes. So, what if the surprise party is over? The after party can be even more interesting if we are willing to let go of what we think a party should be like.

In the same box were some pictures of the two of us together. Amazingly, even though he looked younger too, I think he looks better now than he did back then. I realized that, men tend to be that way. They age more gracefully as it is said. But then perhaps it has nothing to do with aging and the physiology of it all that shows up as the lines and sagging stuff that jiggles at times. What if men look more interesting with age, because they become more interesting as men? Growing up is valued in men. And what about women? Do we just get older and all that is left is the outer shell that no longer looks like it used to? Interestingly enough, character actors in Hollywood, like Meryl Streep still make movies. It’s the sexy, pretty women of 10 years ago well known for primarily their outer gifts, who are cast aside despite multiple plastic surgeries to retain their youthful look. That tells me that there is a market even in Hollywood for interesting women of a certain age. And if that is the case in the entertainment business, then it is certainly possible for the rest of the world.

So, my question to me and all of us women who are getting older is “what do you value the most about yourself?” And if your answer is anything other than a specific body part, then the next question is “how often do you embrace what you value?” How we show up is a consequence of what we believe to be true. If we look at ourselves as has beens, then the world will see us the same way. As always is the case, it involves inner work. In order to change mass consciousness, we have to change ourselves. If we value the journey and accept the bruises and tolls it has taken on our physical selves, yet see ourselves as better, more self-expressed, self-fulfilled and even lovelier than we used to be, then the world will receive us the same way. Are we ready for the after party not expecting it to be like the party? Are we ready to embrace this moment and the person that we are right now without all the “should haves”, “would haves”, and “only ifs”? I certainly hope so.

Getting Unstuck

2010-05-11T11:48:00.000-04:00

In my spiritual life coaching work, I typically meet people who are stuck. They are stuck in their jobs or relationships, or just generally feel a sense of not moving as fast as they’d like to. During conversations, it becomes clear that they are blaming the situation on an outside factor. The outside factor is a bad boss, a lousy work place, a terrible partner, the economy, lack of education or opportunities, etc. So, the attention is always on some problem out there. My job is to shift the focus from the client’s outside to the client’s inside. This shift inevitably pushes deeply held belief systems to change. And that’s when the real work begins.

In the introduction to Chapter 24 of A Course In Miracles, it says: "To learn this course requires willingness to question every value that you hold. Not one can be kept hidden and obscure but it will jeopardize your learning. No belief is neutral. Every one has the power to dictate each decision you make. For a decision is a conclusion based on everything that you believe." In other words, the decision to stay at a job you hate, leave a marriage you worked so hard to save, and even the decision to just go with the flow of whatever is happening or not happening, is based on your beliefs.

If you focus on the outside event and make decisions at the effect level, you may temporarily get rid of the current problem, but chances are they are going to show up again in a different form. In fact, I believe that we are all blessed with opportunities that keep on coming until we finally wake up and make the necessary changes. So, take the example of staying at a job you hate because of whatever reason you think is real (e.g., the economy, what if the job I want does not exist, I’ve tried and haven’t been able to find another job, etc.), if you don’t take this as an opportunity to change, you will have other chances. You might find out that your new neighbors who just moved in are really loud, have late night loud parties every weekend, and happen to have a dog that barks non-stop early in the morning. This opportunity provides for you to feel the feeling of being stuck, because you seem to choose to experience it. If you still choose to ignore the flashing neon signs, you might even find an illness or incurable health problem that echoes the feeling of being stuck, and on and on are the opportunities.

Being stuck is a symptom of hitting the wall built by your own beliefs. You have several choices, you can get up, forget about the wall or pretend it isn’t there and run into it again and again, you can stay away from the wall and close your eyes and suffer quietly, or you can first scream at the wall and declare that you are going to bring it down and call your spiritual life coach for an appointment to change the belief that is holding you back. I strongly recommend the last choice! When you learn how to dismantle the beliefs that get you stuck, you are bound to live a conscious life making conscious choices and inevitably creating what you consciously want instead of putting up with what you don’t.

Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Great to Be A Mother

2010-05-03T16:50:00.000-04:00

Beyond the obvious or those discussed or advertised over and over again, there are reasons why mothers universally find the experience of motherhood like no other. Those are the reasons we might write about in our private diaries or talk about over coffee with a close friend. This coming Sunday (May 9th) is Mother’s Day in the U.S. and as a mother I’d like to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there in the trenches of motherhood! I also wanted to share my top ten list of why motherhood has enhanced my experience of life. I hope you have your own list to remind you of this wonderful opportunity and gift of experience. You might get cards or gifts of appreciation this Sunday, but ultimately, we all need to honor ourselves for our own choices and being a mom is a choice.
Here we go:
1. Nothing, absolutely nothing can facilitate the practice of selflessness as effectively as being a mother
2. Facing the responsibility of being a role model every day pushes me to be a better person
3. I don’t need a mirror anymore, my kids reflect back to me (the good and the bad!)
4. Witnessing my children’s accomplishments, joy, and self-expression
5. Witnessing my children’s failures, pains and disappointments pushes me to practice detachment, discernment and compassion
6. Experiencing the extremes of being the worlds’ best mom and the worst in a matter of minutes helps in the practice of detachment
7. Awareness of my own limitations
8. When someone else observes the same amazing thing I see in my child and tells me about it
9. Nothing, absolutely nothing is as effective in getting me to not give up as remembering that my children are counting on me
10. I learn to take criticism on a regular basis and smile knowing that one day my children will too!

Enjoy your very special weekend and if you are so inclined, leave a few of your own reasons here on this post!

Disagreement Is a Gift

2010-04-25T18:37:00.001-04:00

I’ve been observing and analyzing the anatomy of a problem. Listening to people talk about their problems, it seems that they can be placed into two general buckets: 1) being left out, and 2) being treated with disrespect. No matter how I look at it, it never seems to be disagreement. People don’t complain about someone because they disagree with them. It’s what happens as a result of the disagreement and sometimes it doesn’t even have anything to do with disagreement. If you can talk about your disagreement openly and respectfully, you might even start seeing things differently.

The best place to practice this is in a group with a common mission or goal. This could be some organization you belong to, your church, or your work. Whenever a group gets together, there are going to be differences of opinion because there are going to be differences of experience. And that’s a good thing.

But, how are those disagreements handled? Do you openly talk and discuss your differences with respect? Are you willing to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see from their perspective? Can you compromise or negotiate? In some situations, when there is a hierarchy and members of the group have seen or perceived that if they disagree with the person in charge, they are put aside or worse, fired, they learn to not voice their disagreements. So, what happens to those disagreements? They don’t go away. They fester and grow into resentments, a counter culture of passive or sometimes not-so-passive resistance which will definitely affect morale and work. Everyone loses when disagreements are not handled with a positive and cooperative attitude.

I’d like to go a bit further and say that disagreements should not only be handled positively, but sought after systematically. Disagreements can be the source of new ideas, innovations, creativity, and expansion. Only after we have seen something from all possible angles can we then add to or truly improve it and in that way, a disagreement is a good thing.

Questions:
1) What was the last issue that caused you hurt feelings or got you mad? What was the source of the problem?
2) How did you handle it?
3) How would you have liked to have handled it?
4) What might you try next time something like it happens again?

Condemnation Is Small Thinking

2010-04-20T08:32:00.003-04:00

This past weekend I had the good fortune of attending a conference where the key note speaker was the best-selling author, Michael Port. Michael’s latest book is “The Think Big Manifesto” and it is an amazing read. Reading the book made me think about when and how I think small. In fact, as Michael states, it is something that he himself struggles with. We have been thinking small forever and breaking that cycle requires some work. The world and what’s happening in it is a great place to start thinking big.

Take for example something recent that I have been struggling with and that is the situation in China and how the Chinese authorities have handled the recent earthquake (based on what we here in the West have heard about it). I feel terrible about the victims and cannot fathom why your own government would stand by idly and watch your people die or refuse to help. If this story is true, it is indeed a terrible situation. Me as the observer has different choices in how I engage in this story. I could easily react and condemn the government and victimize the Tibetan Chinese people. Or I could accept the fact that first of all I don’t know all the facts here. I am not familiar with the history of the region, I don’t live there and there might be other factors playing in this. Yes, I still feel terrible about the victims of this catastrophe, but I am not adding fuel to the negative emotions. If I care enough, I can do something constructive about it. When you become part of the solution or you spend time thinking about a solution, you are thinking big. In addition, thinking big and always coming up with solutions feels good. No one wants to be angry, feel defeated or useless, yet we still feel these emotions when we fall into the trap of condemnation. In fact, we define and judge it to the point of joining it at its root cause of becoming part of the problem. It becomes a dead end or worse yet, a perpetuating negative place we find ourselves whenever we feed into that feeling of victimization by talking about it, etc.

So whether it is something that is happening at work or someone you feel anger towards, stop in your tracks. Ask yourself how you could be part of the solution to this problem. If it is something that is evoking strong emotions in you, then it is worth spending the time to find a big answer. If you can’t think of a solution, then walk away with your blessings. And I mean, truly walk away. Following in the footsteps of Michael Port, I invite all of us to start thinking big about everything. Let’s let go of our small thinking and we can begin by noticing when we condemn and what we condemn. Awareness is the key to change and I know I am going to be on the look-out for any self-righteous condemnation that pollutes the big thinking potentials the world is hungry for.

What Are The Voices Telling You?

2010-04-12T09:50:00.002-04:00

When my daughter was younger, she’d tell me “you’re not the boss of me” when I’d tell her to do her chores, or anything she didn’t want to do. I wish I had asked her then who her boss was. Who indeed is the boss of anyone? Who do we listen to, who runs our life?

For some it is their jobs, because they get up at a certain time, dress accordingly, arrange for babysitters, to accommodate their schedule, etc. They go to work, behave a certain way and do their work and come back at a certain time to be home with their families. Depending on the job, the mood they’re in, the time they go to bed, their conversations at the dinner table, etc. might still be around the job. So, in this scenario, the job is in charge at all times or most of the time. For those looking for another job, it might be the same story, “getting a job” is in charge at all times. For a stay at home mom, it is probably her kids and their needs. Every conversation, every appointment, every interaction is indeed under the umbrella of her kids. You might say, well of course it is that way when you have a family and kids. Ok, so what about our younger years, when we were 20 years old. Who is the boss of a 20 year old? For the most part, getting an education or going to college seems to be the answer. But what is the education for? Again, it is to have opportunities, to get a good job. So, in the end it is about getting a job and making money and providing for yourself and your family, if you have one.

In fact, for the most part, all of our belief systems were created to support this goal. The system is so tight, that even when you get there (get the job and the family and the financial security) you either don’t realize it, and keep on trying to work harder for the eventuality of losing it all or for having even more, or you become hypnotized by what you have and find other ways to entertain yourself to get rid of the boredom. The system is so strong that getting out of it might seem impossible. I see it as the horse pulling a carriage. It might seem that the horse has a goal and a destination, but it is indeed being driven by its driver that the horse cannot even see because of his blinders. Perhaps the horse can hear the driver’s voice and feel the pulling of the reigns, but it is not in charge.

Are you tired of being pulled and pushed and told to do things or go places that you might not want to? Are you searching for your own true voice and wonder what if anything it might tell you or ask of you? Are you afraid of what it might be like if it was really silent? If you said yes to any of these questions, congratulations! You are waking up and you are not alone. You are having a spiritual crisis and a spiritual life coach can help if you’d like to be supported on your amazing journey of self-mastery.

Letting Go

2010-03-30T15:23:00.003-04:00

When a child learns to walk, she sometimes falls and gets up again, over and over again until she stops falling. Yet, we never talk about or think about the falling. With our eyes focused on our goals we keep that image and keep on moving. Yet moving towards a goal involves taking detours, getting lost, and sometimes even changing the destination. Once again, this flexibility is not taught enough. Getting to the original destination is celebrated and acknowledged; losing your way is not. Falling in love is cheered on while falling out of love is judged to not be ok, especially if a marriage or a commitment is involved.

It is all of these beliefs that define our experiences in life. We have defined and controlled every thought and action. In fact, it was handed over to us by our parents, our schools, our leaders, the media, etc. We repeat each belief in our words, thoughts and actions and perpetuate them. We hand them off to the future generations. They become solid, impenetrable, and assumed to be truths.

Something goes “wrong”, we lose a job, a house, a partner, and those beliefs do not comfort or support us. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to do with anything going wrong. You wake up one day and decide you don’t like your life, your partner, your job, your house, etc. You decide to make a change, but your beliefs do not support your decision. What do you do?

Many do nothing, they keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, they lie to themselves and pretend that everything is ok or that this is life, you can’t have everything (convince themselves by repeating more beliefs). Some people make the changes anyway. In the process, they alienate some, worse yet, they alienate themselves, they feel guilty for going against their beliefs and try their best somehow to make up for what they see as a wrong turn. In other words, even though, they’ve gone through the motion of making the change, they don’t believe that they did the appropriate thing, and so they suffer. This kind of change is not sustainable and certainly not pleasant.

Real, sustainable and deeply satisfying change can only happen when you truly let go of old beliefs. These beliefs are only half truths anyway. The child who learned to walk did so despite falling, yet falling was part of her experience and denying it or ignoring it did not make it go away. We are so afraid of even suggesting the possibility of the opposite of that which we hope to achieve as if such thoughts do not exist or have power over us. It reminds me of an old aunt I had who refused to utter the word cancer in case she contracted it! Life is full of a spectrum of experiences, good, bad and everything in between. Holding on to the positive end of the spectrum electrifies the negative side, that’s how duality functions. If we are truly interested in going beyond duality, we have to be willing to experience the whole spectrum without resistance. We have to let go of our judgments and beliefs. Simple, but not easy!

What are some beliefs you are willing to let go of? What if there was no right or wrong? How will you live an expanding life outside of duality?

Abandoned

2010-03-29T17:53:00.002-04:00

He was chasing after Emma in the huge green grass. She was fun to chase after and she let him catch her from time to time. When they got tired of that game, they rested together, bodies touching on the deck in the sun. They fell asleep together like that. When he woke up, nothing was as he remembered it. They called his name and invited him into the house. He did not recognize the voices or the smells in the house. The kids were friendly and happy to see him, but something was not familiar. They were not the kids he was used to.

After dinner, the mom took him on a walk. It was nice to be out, free again to smell the fresh air and to be with Emma. But where was his other mom? He felt unsure and nervous. Should he be going with this woman? Was Emma going to be with him or would she be going home somewhere else? Emma did not seem to be worried about anything. So, he decided to forget about home and his mom and his family and enjoy the moment with Emma and his new mom.

He couldn’t sleep in this new room. The sounds and smells were becoming more familiar, but he still missed the old sounds and smells. He’d take cat naps and then he’d wake up again to this unfamiliar place with his new family. As time went by, he got used to the new place and eventually he fell asleep.

The next day, he went for another long walk with Emma and afterwards fell asleep on top of her on the deck. Emma jumped up to the sound of the car on the drive way, he jumped up too. They both went down the stairs and waited eagerly to see who would come out of the car. He didn’t have a deck in his old house, he liked following Emma and doing as she did. To his amazement, he saw his old mom and family rushing to the stairs calling out his name. He was so excited, he couldn’t contain himself. His tail was wagging furiously and he was crying in delight. Yes, this was familiar, he knew everything about these people and the smells, oh the smells were like heaven!

Questions to Ponder:
1) Have you ever felt abandoned or left without any explanation? If so, how did that feel and how did you handle it?
2) How comfortable are you in new situations or with new people? For example, if you went on a trip or took a weekend class and had to share a room with someone you hadn’t met before, how would you feel about that? Nervous? Uncomfortable? Excited?
3) Think of the word, “familiar” and now come up with 3 quick names or nouns that pop into your mind. Now do the same for the word, “new”. Sit with your feelings and consciously pursue one (familiar or new) to experience in the near future and see how that feels. Best wishes!

P.S. In case you were wondering, the story was based on what I imagine my dog went through after spending the weekend with a pet sitter.

The Holy Man

2010-03-17T16:41:00.003-04:00

I am trying something new for the next few posts. I’ll write a little story (an exercise in creativity) and ask a few questions that might help loosen up some old stuck beliefs (hopefully). I hope you enjoy the stories and uncover stuff that helps you move forward!

He stood there tall and somewhat distinguished. Even in his worn out clothes that had seen better days, he shined. No one could tell what it was exactly about him that made him different and easy on the eyes. Wherever he went, people gathered around him, they wanted to be near him. He had a peaceful and knowing presence. There was nothing arrogant or unwelcoming about him. He was real and when you saw him, you felt real too. His demeanor was that of Mr. Darcy’s (Pride and Prejudice), yet his choices had been more like Sydney Carton’s (A Tale of Two Cities). He walked on air because nothing was holding him down. He had given everything up and had fallen through the cracks of the 3-D reality he lived in. He had nothing and yet it seemed like he had everything.

She straightened herself in her chair as she motioned for him to come to her table. His whole face broke into a huge smile as he walked over to her. She found herself nervous and stumbling on her words. This was crazy, she had conducted hundreds of interviews during the course of her successful career as a journalist. Why would this guy be any different? She straightened herself again and began the way she always had with the people she interviewed, yet she was keenly aware of his presence. He wasn’t intimidating or creepy, he was just so alert and present, she wasn’t sure how to deal with that. It forced her to become present too. She decided to let go of her old ways and just relax into it. She leaned back, put down her pen, and melted into her chair as she breathed in the golden light that seemed to be emanating from him.

Questions to ponder:
1) What are some qualities that you find attractive in people? How do you think they attained them?
2) What is it that you wish you had more of or less of? What would you have to give up to be that way?
3) What do you think someone who had never met you and had to interview you, would say about you after that first meeting?

Bla Bla Bla

2010-03-10T16:07:00.003-05:00

I am trying something new for the next few posts. I’ll write a little story (an exercise in creativity) and ask a few questions that might help loosen up some old stuck beliefs (hopefully). I hope you enjoy the stories and uncover stuff that helps you move forward!

She stopped only to catch a quick breath, she was looking at him or through him, not noticing anything about him. She was determined to tell the story almost as if someone was holding a gun to her head. He noticed a slight trembling in her hands, but she kept on going. The story weaved into another one. It wasn’t an intense story, but she was intense telling it. She would stop herself and correct any misplaced facts like: “it was Monday, no it was Tuesday afternoon when…” Such corrections were not necessary because he wasn’t interested in the story to begin with, and certainly the details of what day any of it happened, was even more unimportant to him. Not to her though, it was all important, not to be neglected. He was hoping she’d stop and notice the great ambience of the restaurant, taste the fabulous wine and enjoy the delicious food. She ate and she drank, but just like her shallow breaths, nothing lingered, and nothing was taken in to be enjoyed. He knew that she had to get it all out, but he wondered, when he could interject, when he could remind her of the reason why they were there. It was their first anniversary and he wanted to celebrate their relationship and she just couldn’t stop talking about her day. It seemed to always be like that with her, there was some drama somewhere, some injustice, something that bothered her. Her sensitive nature is what had drawn him to her, but now, it seemed to consume and define all their interactions. The dinner was over, check had been paid and he felt like he had been all by himself the whole time.

Questions to ponder:
1) Do you ever find yourself in those one-sided conversations where the other person is not really interested in anything you might want to add? How does that feel? Do you ever find yourself being the other person, talking incessantly at someone? How might you remind yourself to stop and listen and invite the other to participate?
2) Do you feel comfortable interjecting and derailing the conversation when you really want to and need to? Have you been successful or has the person just ignored you and carried on?
3) Imagine you are the person needing to interrupt in this story, how would you do it? Practice and take a jab at it, who knows it might come in handy for the next time you are caught being blabbed at.

Whose Rules Are You Living By?

2010-03-03T17:51:00.001-05:00

I am trying something new for the next few posts. I’ll write a little story (an exercise in creativity) and ask a few questions that might help loosen up some old stuck beliefs (hopefully). I hope you enjoy the stories and uncover stuff that helps you move forward!

He walked with a skip in his steps, lighter on his feet than he had ever felt. He walked into the local bar and sat on a stool sipping on his beer. The world around him didn’t exist. He had just left the hospital after signing the papers that relieved the hospital from all responsibility regarding the death of his father. He was actually dead. Alex couldn’t believe that the old man was finally gone. Even though, he was bent over and skinny with age and disease, he was still a tough and scary person, the way he remembered him growing up. Alex’s childhood was spent trying to please his father and hoping to not be criticized or beaten up because of something he had done or not done. His childhood had driven him to become a super achiever, a great student, and later on a successful doctor. His father was a bigot and prejudiced against people of other cultures, religions or color. Alex married a young woman from the town nearby, someone his father approved of. He loved her despite his inability to express his love or be affectionate. They ended up having 3 kids. He liked being a father and a husband. He wanted to be different from his father, yet at times he found himself cold and unable to feel any emotions. He was logical and cold towards his family.

Sometime in their marriage he met someone else, someone he fell in love with. She was not from the same town, country, religion, or race. She stirred emotions in him he did not recognize. She was impetuous, different, and made heart based decisions. Even if he had left his wife for her, it would have been difficult unless he disowned his family and his father. Alex chose to stay with his wife and not pursue this other woman. He felt dead inside, all of his decisions were based on not rocking the boat, not acting like his father, not hurting anyone. Alex had accepted his role as the peacemaker at all cost. And what was the cost?

He forgot what it was that he wanted for himself. His decisions were not based on self-fulfillment. He was always in control of his emotions. He never yelled or showed hostility, but he never cried or showed love either. Alex controlled everything. He realized he was gripping the beer glass tightly. He eased up, leaned back and smiled. It was time to live a different life. He was done living by his father’s rules, he was done living by any rules. He was free now, free to find out what it was that he truly wanted. What did his heart desire? It was safe to feel again.

Questions to ponder:
1) What are the rules you are living by? Are they yours?
2) Where do you feel locked up or unsafe?
3) What would it feel like if you broke some of the rules you live by?

Going In Deep

2010-02-25T17:43:00.002-05:00

I am learning about different layers and depths of understanding of certain concepts. Just when you think you know what “being present” is all about, you have an experience that shows you another facet, another layer of what it might mean. Today, I’d like to re-examine the concept of being present outside of the context of time. Being present is about the now moment and letting go of the past and the future. This implies the linear concept of time. Some of us can do this especially during meditation for example. However, what if something is bugging us now? This is again demonstrated in the practice of meditation when you suddenly notice discomfort in a limb, an itch, or a bug bite, etc. and get annoyed and distracted. From what I have learned and heard from those on the path of enlightenment, the only way to handle that is to notice it and allow it. In other words, breathe in the annoyance, pain, or itch. Don’t fight it and don’t try to ignore it. This takes being present to a deeper place where it is not about time, but about acceptance of what is or allowing of whatever is happening.

The same holds true of patience. I write a lot about patience, because it is something I struggle with. I have this crazy notion that things have to happen according to my schedule and by my rules. Now, I have given up a lot of this in my outer life. It’s only in my internal dialogues that I find myself still struggling with patience. What has helped me is realizing how much I am not accepting what is when I am being impatient. That helps me shift my attention to the true beauty of this now moment that is happening. Take today for example, it is snowing (again) and schools are closed which means that my kids are home and I won’t be able to get a lot of creative work done. To make matters even worse, they are predicting snow into tomorrow which means that they will be home tomorrow too and that will take us into the weekend and I won’t be able to do the things I like to do and I need to do until Monday (if it does not snow then). The next two days are about shoveling, cleaning up after sloppy, muddy messy trails on the floors (or not), taking the dog out and begging and hoping that he does what he needs to do in the snow, etc. In other words, the next two days are about feeling into that itch or bug bite when you really want to feel the bliss of meditation. The next two days are about taking my outer understanding of patience, acceptance, and being present and putting it in high gear. The next two days are about being enlightened while living an ordinary human life, finding peace in the non-peaceful moments, quiet in the noise, etc. Can I allow my plans to wait? Can I just focus on what is happening now regardless of how disrupting it is to my peace? Can I replace judgment and frustration with true acceptance? Stay tuned to find out how I did or didn’t evolve from my deep experience!

Peacefully Imperfect

2010-02-17T11:36:00.002-05:00

In my line of work, I hear a lot about life’s imperfections as told by those who live them and somehow have found their way to my doorstep. In fact, it is because of some of these imperfections that they seek my service. Yesterday I heard about yet another bleak diagnosis that shouldn’t have been and as used to it as I get, it still sits uncomfortably with me. Why do life’s imperfections still surprise us or worse yet, defeat us?

I have to think back to when we bought into this belief that life has to be perfect. As a little girl for me it started in the fairy tales of the princess and the prince who are reunited despite the plots and plans of evil doers and/or destiny in their stories and always live happily ever after. In my own personal story, the desire to live an empowered life and have a better quality of life than the girls I grew up with pushed me to seek the perfect life. It was partly youth, partly conviction, partly the belief in the stories, and partly a sense of responsibility that I owed it to those who couldn’t, that seduced me into believing that the perfect life was out there for me to seek and own.

Back then, I was thirsty for perfection. Today, I know better. I see people in their 30s or well into their 40s who are suffering because of this belief that they must be doing something wrong if they are not married to their soul mate, have 2.3 perfect kids, a perfect house, a perfect career, a perfectly toned body, and perfect friends who live similar lives. The economic downfall is placing all kinds of pressures and the imperfections are oozing from the cracks of their misperceptions and they are either angry or depressed. It is as if a promise has been broken. Some feel it when they are diagnosed with cancer, some when they lose their jobs, or marriages, and some when something “bad” happens to their loved ones. No matter how it shows up, it can be described as a sense of disillusionment with how they believed things would turn out.

As a life coach, I think that my profession may have contributed to this illusion. Some coaches claim to help people live a better life, but I am of the belief that the client is already living the life they have chosen. The main issue is taking responsibility and accepting their own disillusions. No matter how many goals they set, it won’t take away their fears of illness, or failure. The source of the problem is not underachieving humans who don’t know how to organize themselves. The source of the problem lies in the belief that because they have been an over achiever in all areas of their life, they should have it better than this.
Philip Simmons (1) writes in his beautiful essay, In Praise of the Imperfect Life: “It was the ant that returned me to the world, that called me to another way of worship, the way of all things ordinary and small, the way of all that is imperfect, the way of stubbornness and error, the way of all that is transitory and comes to grief.” Somehow in the process of growing up, we forgot that we are humans living mortal lives in fragile bodies. We were inspired to become super human. No one told us the cost of that.

Today, when someone tells me, “I just want peace”, I have to ask them, “what are you willing to let go of?”. I am not sure they quite understand the depth of what they might have to give up or allow. Peace does not come at our command. It is always there invisible to us because we are too busy and/or anesthetized in our pursuit of the perfect life. Once again, as Philip Simmons has said: “The imperfect is our paradise. Let us pray, then, that we do not shun the struggle. May we attend with mindfulness, generosity, and compassion to all that is broken in our lives. May we live fully in each flawed and too human moment, and thereby gain the victory.”

(1) Learning To Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life. Philip Simmons. Bantam Books, 2002.

Decisions In Duality

2010-02-10T18:09:00.004-05:00

Peter didn’t like making decisions. He didn’t make big decisions and he didn’t make small decisions either. Not making decisions was making a decision, and he didn’t know that. He waited for someone else, a situation outside of his control to make the decisions for him. He reacted to them and not usually in a positive way. If it was someone else who made the decision, he waited for signs of failure and then blamed the person who had ended up making the decision for them or for him. He blamed his wife for making the vacation plans if it ended up raining on the island they went to. And sometimes if nothing bad happened, he would wait for something bad to happen, so he was miserable the whole time as he waited. Peter was addicted to being unhappy and this fed into his inability or refusal to make active decisions. I don’t want to get into analyzing why and how Peter got to be this way. I do want to use Peter as an example of why and how any one of us can learn to be afraid of making active decisions.

Perhaps one day you made a decision that you considered later on to be a wrong decision. Perhaps, that choice ended up hurting you or the ones close to you. Now you could either learn something from having made that choice or you could blame yourself and punish yourself by refusing to engage in life, i.e., making new choices and moving beyond it. Now place all of this in the consciousness of duality and you have fireworks. Duality feeds into the concepts of right and wrong. Peter in duality is a lost cause because now he keeps on feeding into the wrong decision he once made. To make matters worse, and in keeping up with the nature of duality, he now blames others for the decision and collisions are bound to happen. Peter being incredibly stubborn and fixed in the way he looks at the world, keeps on keeping that fire alive by feeding it fear, judgment, and punishment.

Peter has a difficult time accepting and adapting to new consciousness. Peter has chained and imprisoned himself in the bowels of duality where there is a tit for every tat and he uses logic and brain power to maneuver himself in the maze he can’t get out of. The only way to begin to help Peter find his way out, is by finding a moment where his heart is open and he is not intoxicated with his thoughts. From that place and in the safety of that moment, Peter may be able to take a walk out of his prison and feel the possibility of a world without opposites. If you are somehow imprisoned by your thoughts, fears, expectations, judgments, etc. regarding a decision you’d like to make, step out of that prison for a bit. Take a deep breath and gently step out to a new vista, look at the big picture from the point of view of a spectator, and from that place make the decision. Don’t look back. Allow the possibility that it doesn’t have to make sense to you or to anybody else to be an acceptable reality. Allow room for uncertainty and with practice it might even become something to look forward to. New consciousness does not have an opposite. New consciousness does not punish, judge, push or effort. New consciousness is about inclusion and allowing. How often do we include and allow? To that extent we are open to new consciousness. It is easier to include and allow if we drop our concepts of right vs. wrong. So, don’t worry about making a mistake, open your heart, take a deep breath and go for it! You just might be able to step out of duality.

What's Weighing You Down?

2010-02-04T10:05:00.003-05:00

Where I live, winter is not ready to be done. Another big snow storm is on its way to top off what is already coating the ground and people are getting grumpy about the cold. I don’t mind the snow and the cold, I just get tired of all the layers we have to put on to leave the house and then take off when we come in. It’s the boots and the socks and the gloves and the scarves that weigh me down and wear me out. The hint of spring is an exciting time, you can leave the house with a light jacket and perhaps even wear sandals on your feet. You feel lighter and more like yourself with nothing to hide or cover up.

The beauty of living where there are 4 seasons, is that as soon as you get tired of one, the other one will be here. There is a time for shedding and a time for layering. And so it is in life. We all carry too much weight from time to time and need to let go of those heavy weights. Some are easier to let go of and some stay with you despite your longing for them to be gone. Being busy and going about the business of the day over time prevents you from noticing what’s weighing you down. Soon, you don’t even recognize what they are or that you have a choice to let them go. We all can create spring in the middle of winter easily, but we do not recognize that ability in us.

What are the things that weigh you down? I’ve come up with 4 categories that those pesky weights fit into: pain, blame, shame, and guilt. All categories involve at least one other person. They all have to do with something big that happened some time ago. The fresh wounds are easy to recall. It’s always the old ones that are somehow more powerful and knock you down when you least expect them to. And it is usually when you are embarking in a new relationship or endeavor that you find yourself weighed down and unable to move in a new desired direction. The old issues sneak up and weigh you down so even the new feels like old and soon you give up because everything looks just like another shade of gray.

Sometimes you feel nothing and might think that there is nothing you can think of that is weighing you down. However, when you are asked, do you feel light? Do you feel like yourself? The answer is no. Feeling numb is a consequence of shoving down your pain, blame, shame, or guilt. Over time, it feels like nothing. It’s almost like body weight. If you’ve gained weight over time, you don’t notice it in your body but after you lose all of it, you feel lighter, healthier, more energized, etc. So, don’t be fooled by the numbness, it is not a good thing!

Once you have identified the pain, blame, shame, or guilt, just let it go. Sometimes, the simple process of recognition, does the releasing and sometimes, you have to give it a gentle shove. Sometimes you have to revisit the issue, because the release was not complete. If you are ready to bring spring in, simply stay aware of what’s going on. Feel the pain, blame, shame, or guilt if it comes up and then simply say good bye and consciously let it go. Don’t worry, it won’t pollute the earth or take over someone else. Like a freshly blown up balloon that is deflated, it just goes back to its original shape and is soon forgotten. Keep at it, and your extra weight will go down so you can feel your healthy and natural self. You will start feeling you, and not all the stuff around you. Here’s to bringing in spring in the middle of winter!

Dismantling Patience

2010-01-27T10:03:00.003-05:00

On the path towards new consciousness, certain concepts lose their meaning and significance. It’s like old technology, they become obsolete and cumbersome. Forgiveness is one of those concepts. A Course In Miracles states that it is necessary for us humans to forgive but eventually we’ll realize that it is not necessary because there is no need for it. There is nothing to forgive!

Patience is another one that is on its way out and one I’d like to think about today. Patience was a virtue. Patience implied that you had to slow yourself down to the level of the other person or whatever it was you were waiting for. Living in the now moment and with total compassion eliminates the need for patience. Being impatient means being intolerant, whether it is because you are in a rush to be somewhere else or because you are pre-occupied with something else (stressed). Thinking about patience or lack of it in this way may motivate you to become more patient with others. But what about patience with yourself, with life or whatever is or isn’t happening?

It all comes back to self-acceptance. How well do I accept myself just as I am? Will I accept myself after I lose some weight? Will I accept myself after I become successful or achieve some goal? Will I accept myself after I make more money? Will I accept myself or some other better, newer and more improved version of me? Unfortunately, that’s a carrot we’ll never get to. If we don’t learn to love and accept ourselves just the way we are in the now moment, we won’t later either. This does not mean that we should not strive to do better or improve ourselves. Improvement or enhancement of our experience of life is similar to going from point A to point B because it brings us joy, it is fun, or we are curious about what point B is like. In these cases, the journey of getting to point B is fun too. We are not in a rush to get there, because it is all part of the enjoyment. In fact, when we get to point B, we’ll realize that we might want to go to C, etc. It never ends, because it is all about expanding. Patience is not required, it is an unnecessary concept. If however, the goal of getting to point B is to avoid being in point A, then the journey seems difficult, a struggle and not enjoyable. I am reminded of Andre Agassi’s book, Open in which he states that he hated losing more than he loved winning. His journey was exhausting, joyless and full of struggle. He had no patience in his matches, he wanted them done with, so he could get to point B or not be in point A anymore.

Today, I am determined to dismantle patience. I am going to use awareness to notice when I am not being compassionate and accepting of what is. And with practice, I’ll realize that I won’t need patience anymore. I just need to remember that I am the master of my experience and that if something isn’t working out for me, I need to first change my attitude and then take any necessary actions. Patience will be obsolete, ready to be discarded like an old typewriter. I’m looking forward to a gentler, more efficient and less cumbersome way of being, one that includes everything and everyone just as they are. So long Patience!

Who Is In Charge?

2010-01-20T09:14:00.004-05:00

“When you don’t cover up the world with words and labels, a sense of the miraculous returns to your life that was lost a long time ago when humanity, instead of using thought, became possessed by thought. A depth returns to your life. Things regain their newness, their freshness.” Eckhart Tolle (Guardians of Being, 2009)

What does it mean to be possessed by thought? It is so much a part of who we are and what we value that we don’t recognize that we are ruled by our thoughts. In other words, our mind/brain determines our experience of life. We identify so much with our superior ability to think that we consider ourselves superior to all other animals. An organ whose function is to make sure our bodies are doing what they are supposed to be doing, keep us safe by evaluating our surroundings and comparing and contrasting to past events is now the CEO of us. If you compare it to an organization, it is like having the safety department in charge of the whole organization. In this scenario, the organization will be very safe, but will it grow? Will it take any risks? Will it develop any new products? Will it be creative? It may, but those are not its primary focus. In fact, its top goal is to grow the function and capabilities of the safety department. So now, you have safety people everywhere, they are telling everyone else what to do. The more the company hires safety people, the more the people think about how they might need even more safety measures, this is all they think about. They start worrying about all kinds of things, because their job is to come up with scenarios to protect the organization from. Soon all the other departments start getting intimidated by the safety people. They stop thinking for themselves, their job becomes satisfying the goals of the safety people. The organization is run by fear and intimidation and a constant fear of not being safe enough. As crazy as this may sound, it is no different from how most of us live as humans.

We have given full control of our experience of life to our heads or our thinking and yet the function of our brain is not to take control of us. Then who or what is in charge?

Shaun Ellis, a British naturalist spent two years of his life living in the wild with a pack of wolves without any human contact. This is what he wrote after his experience: The hardest thing was adjusting to the human world. The one I had just left, and felt I belonged to, was so simple and balanced. There was no deception, no malice and no gratuitous cruelty. Keeping the family safe and fed was all that mattered: wolves killed to eat; never for fun and never more than they needed.

When have you ever described your life as simple and balanced? Do you remember when it was so? Is there something you could strike off of your list for things to do or add, that could bring some simplicity and balance in your day? Who is the CEO of you? My wish for all of us is to remember who is in charge and demote those who are not in compliance of the true mission and vision of our being.

Helplessness

2010-01-14T13:20:00.004-05:00

The tragic and devastating news from Haiti has been somewhere in my consciousness since I heard about it. Pictures of the people sitting by, making do with close to zero by the side of the buildings that once were, tug at me relentlessly. What do we do when we hear of such devastation? How do we help? Yes, we can send a check somewhere to some humanitarian organization to help out. What else? My dear friend whom I’ve met through the blogosphere, Gabi has just written a post on a similar topic that has to do with what can we do in the midst of absurdity and injustice. After reading hers and feeling my helplessness I wonder about this place we are all sitting in. What might come from helplessness?

The first thing I notice when I feel utterly helpless, like when I did right after my father passed away is that if I stop thinking, rationalizing, and justifying I feel peace. And the only way I can do that is by not thinking. Yes, when you feel helpless, just go with it, do not analyze it, do not try to fix it. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it works. Now, you might say, great, I am glad that you know how to feel peace in the midst of such devastation. But how is that going to help the world?

I am not an expert at what the world needs, but I have a hunch at what the world doesn’t need. The world doesn’t need more drama, blame, or righteousness. When we can’t stop ourselves from listening to the news and getting caught up in the drama of the how and how many and the tragic human stories, we are no different from the rubber-neckers at the sight of a car accident on the road. We perpetuate the story, we feed into the tragedy and its energy, we talk about it and analyze it and justify that such a thing would never happen here, because we build our buildings according to code, etc. to make ourselves feel more safe. And all of this usually happens within seconds of feeling helpless. It is as if we want to feel something, anything other than helplessness. So, we push through, deny, and avoid it. How could this benefit the planet?

What I have learned is that the more we connect with the sadness, the more we start thinking, rationalizing, and justifying or worse, get angry. What would happen if we just felt the helplessness and stayed with it without trying to mentally understand it?

I am reminded of a scene at a memorial service when you are the grieving family and people are passing through the line to wish you their respects. There are those who have something to say, to make you feel better, some justification, i.e., he/she lived a full life. There are those who offer help and prayers. There are those who just say I am sorry and move on. There are those who just hug you and look into your eyes without any hurry to walk away. And there are those who will try to distract you by talking about anything but what they are there for.

Today, I’d like to think about this tragedy in the same vein as the memorial analogy. How do I want to wish my respects to the people of the country who have lost everything? What if anything do I want to contribute? What might benefit the people the most? The answers and even just the pondering of my answers to these questions will keep me from becoming part of the problem.
Wishing you all peace, especially if you are feeling helpless.

Diversity

2010-01-06T10:50:00.004-05:00

My first reaction to the term diversity, is not a positive one. Having spent years in the corporate world I soon learned that diversity had become an HR buzz word to ensure that every department had their token people of color or different ethnicity and that made the whole organization look good and abide by the organizational norms and numbers. Diversity for me always meant creating an environment for different thinking and ways of being to ensure that we were not trapped by our own short sightedness. So, it didn’t matter where this diversity came from. It was a way to ensure that we weren’t too comfortable, that we were stretching ourselves and expanding.

True diversity defies hierarchy. In fact, if we are truly interested in diversity, we have to throw out the whole concept of order. Only then, can we embrace all the potential offerings of diversity. Only when we give up the idea of what’s right, fair, or acceptable can we see the endless possibilities that true diversity gifts us with. Diversity is about inclusion of everything and everyone. Indeed, diversity may create a little chaos and some organizations cannot handle that. In the age of streamlining, cost cutting, and standardizing, diversity is choked off or becomes even more of a superficial token because no one wants to rock the boat.

I love the concept of true diversity because it is about integration, integrating the dark and the light, the wrong and the right, etc. I like to start with the only place I can start with, me. How diverse am I in my own thinking? How open am I to different ideas, even things that seem crazy? How easily do I dismiss ideas that defy the norm or are considered dark/negative? I might decide after answering these questions that I am open and pretty diverse in my own thoughts, beliefs, etc. in the privacy of my own mind. The next step is, how do I voice this diversity out there, or do I? Am I always trying to be the harmonizer, the positive thinker, the motivator? Do I dare to be negative? Where are the boundaries I dare not cross, or are there any? Now, I am not suggesting anarchy or being negative just to be difficult. I am however, asking if I have the courage to stand out. If you find yourself rationalizing it by thinking that it depends on the circumstance and what is at stake, then you are still bound by conditions. My question is precisely about that, are we willing to experience the expression of diversity regardless of the risks involved. And as long as we are bound by our need for security, our organizations will reflect the same.

As a painter, I used to try to remember my art teacher’s words and instructions. I remember he even told us to not buy black paint, because we’ll never need it. Mind you he was teaching us how to paint flowers and pretty nature scenes, and I had years of Catholic School education and was a good girl who followed instructions and never bent the rules. Years later, I bought the black paint. I rarely used it, because I was told that I wouldn’t need it. One day, I went a little crazy and opened the tube of black paint. I felt the possibilities of where my painting could go. It changed everything. I became more daring in my art. I decided to break all the so-called rules of how you mix colors, etc. I did my own thing and embraced the diversity that had entered my painting. I am still in awe of what I might create, because it could be anything. I don’t have a style or a method. I am open to expand, to let the art do its thing.

Now, I sit here pondering if I could only apply this way of being to all other parts of my life in every moment of every day, what would that be like? I have a hunch it would be an endless and expanding evolution of rich and intense experiences. But am I ready for that?

It Wants To Come Out

2009-12-29T14:48:00.002-05:00

Sunday was a very special day. My 10 year old daughter contracted what could have been food poisoning or a bad case of stomach virus. Needless to say, the end result was the same. In the depths of her agony, she kept on demanding that I make “it” go away. Holding her and rubbing her back as she was crying, I was trying to distract her. I couldn’t tell her to think of the beach on a sunny day, or some other serene image because she wasn’t ready to hear that, so, I asked her: “what do you think the pain is trying to tell you”? In her rage and anger at her clueless mother, she shouted, “it wants to come out”! I applauded her understanding of the message and encouraged her to help it come out. Well, the rest is history and you can imagine what followed.

Her words stayed with me: it wants to come out. Where else do we need to let “it” come out? And what might our “it” be? It is the last week of the year and in preparation for 2010 I was thinking about where in my life have I kept “it” locked in? What have I turned my back on? What might I have neglected or denied? Following that, if I keep on locking it in, what will happen? Will it get my attention in another way? Will I implode?

I remember the scenes from movies where someone is dying and at their death bed they declare that they wish they had done x, y, or z. Are x, y, or z my “its”? Is there something I wish I had done or done differently? There always is, isn’t there? No point in regrets, but what about now? What can I do differently today? Perhaps the infamous “it” is just some old, stale way of thinking that needs to come out to be put to rest. Perhaps the “it” is not something that needs to be flushed away, but something that needs to be seen and heard. What if the “it” was your voice, your true voice that got muddled under all of your so-called responsibilities and duties, and now it is just a little nagging sound that you ignore among other naggings you hear daily? What if you ignored it for so long, that now you can’t tell if it is your own voice or someone else’s?

Everyone has at least a few “its” hidden away discreetly. No one can hide them for too long. They tend to get bigger and louder when they finally see an opening. Or they might find the wrong opening. If only we could first recognize them, get acquainted with them and then gently ask them what they want. We will hear it, if we get quiet enough. From that quiet place, having heard our own voice we can do what needs to be done. Happy recognizing to you and yours!

Live Like an Artist

2009-12-22T07:06:00.002-05:00

I heard somewhere that when you are an artist, you look at everything differently. For me, it is all about capturing that moment of surprise or delight on paper. Even though it is not an exact representation of the experience, it is an expression stemming from that experience. It is like rewinding the moment you fell in love with someone over and over again, except it is all new. So, yes, you look at everything differently. You walk through life aware that at any moment you could fall in love with the brightest shade of green you’ve ever seen, and as a result everything in your life will have more depth and meaning.

It’s about going deeper and deeper into the experience of life with fresh eyes and an open heart. It’s about being like a child, innocent and without expectations, deeply curious, and fearless to a fault. The only difference is that as an adult you know the bad, you’ve played out the same scenarios enough times to have lost your curiosity, and you’ve been burned, so you know what to be afraid of. My wish for all of us for the New Year and beyond is to be like a child even though we think we know better, to experience life like an artist, prepared to fall in love over and over again. I hope we can still be curious and courageous without worries about consequences. I hope we can unfasten the security latch and go a little crazy.

Happy New Year! Thanks for your support, insights and sharing. Keep on creating, your masterpiece is still waiting for you!

Evolution Hurts

2009-12-15T17:05:00.003-05:00

I experienced what I’d like to think of as a small miracle this weekend. We had an ice storm and there was black ice on the steps which I did not know about. Upon going down the steps like I would normally, I slipped and would have landed on the steps with at best a terrible bruise on my back where it had hit the edge of the sharp stone steps. However, I miraculously stopped mid-slip without any effort of my own. It was as if someone gently held me so I wouldn’t tumble down. In that moment, I realized how much pain I had escaped, not to mention the delay in my over scheduled day. I went about my business amazed and grateful for whatever stopped me from falling and feeling the pain. But it isn’t always like that.

What has been showing up in my own personal life, in my clients’ lives, and with my friends recently is the fact that living a conscious life hurts. This was the point I was trying to make in last week’s post. What some people may have imagined about spiritual evolution as being this journey to happy land where the “law of attraction” just brings all of the goodies we deserve and we are immune from feeling pain or getting angry is shattered into a million pieces when we embark on a real-life journey of consciousness expansion. Perhaps no one would go through it if they knew how painful the journey can be. I deliberately use the word, painful, because if I wrote “challenging”, it would imply a certain level of difficulty and then I’d be sending you into your head. Consciousness expansion is not an intellectual activity, it does not involve mental analysis, it involves feeling some of the most intense feelings that many of us have consciously or subconsciously chosen to avoid.

The resistance comes in many forms: “but I don’t want to feel angry”, “I am tired”, “I just want to be happy, peaceful, etc.”, “why can’t I be happy?”, and on and on it goes. We all want to be happy and we have learned to avoid the opposite of happy which can be depressed, sad, or angry. How does the avoidance manifest? Based on what is going on in our lives and our personalities, it could be: super-busy schedules (do anything and everything to not be aware of what we are avoiding), a numbness in our demeanor, alcohol, drugs, partying, taking it out on someone else, obsessive behavior like over-cleaning, etc. So, we all have coping mechanisms. We all know how to not look at the truth that is staring us down. We do this in our personal lives and we have collectively done this when it comes to our jobs, our government and its policies, and our planet. We have collectively looked away and found something else to focus on in order to avoid feeling the pain. In fact, we live extremely convenient lives. We don’t have to leave our homes or our cars anymore. Everything is available with a phone call or through the internet. All of this convenience has added to a sense of entitlement which makes feeling any kind of pain intolerable (no pun intended). I do not want to go into the why, but I do want to validate the how and the now.

The pain however, is what comes before the change, and sometimes right after. The pain is the validation that something is happening. The now is about the inconvenience of pain. The now is about the truth without any sugar coating. I always tell my clients-to-be, “this is not going to be fun and it might be kind of rough, are you sure you want to do this?” The answer is a resounding yes, until they hit the brick wall. This pain is especially uncomfortable, because when we are expanding and learning and practicing and it all is working so well, we think we have graduated. No more pain in my life. So, when it hurts, it feels like a failure, it undermines what we have learned and questions the whole journey and we feel like we are back at the first step. I am writing this somewhat unusual post, because I sense a strong need to let those who are experiencing pain and doubt as to why they have chosen to “grow” that this is a normal part of the experience. Please don’t run away, beat yourself up, or worse yet, give up. You will get through this and it will be quick if you don’t avoid the pain or the darkness. You will not crumble or die, you will get through it, but only in getting through it do you really experience it fully and find your own answers. The answers to some of our difficult questions are not somewhere in some book or with some guru. The answers are inside each and every one of us. The answers urge and cheer us on to get through the pain. The answers bring the joy and peace we have been looking for. Evolution hurts, that’s why we call it “growing pains”. As much as we’d like to freeze certain moments in time for eternity, life beckons us to grow and evolve and with that comes the inconvenience of pain.

Extreme Transitions

2009-12-08T10:42:00.003-05:00

A shaman once explained that when you choose to heal, you accept that you die on different levels, and just when you think you are done, you die again. At first I found this explanation a bit morbid. But I realized that no one who is going through a major transition, is really afraid of death. They are however, afraid of dying. In fact, we all are afraid of dying. Sometimes it is the unknown, a lack of understanding of what it might be like. Sometimes like watching a loved one die, it is the fear of pain, the waiting, the hopelessness, the loss. These are all emotions we go through when we are going through a major life transition. So maybe, it is like dying over and over again. How do we get through it?

Transitions are the moments in between what once was and what is yet to be. If we are awake enough and aware enough, we might be excited about the future because we think we are done with the past. So, we want to rush into it. No one, likes to be waiting in the waiting room of change. It feels like nothing is happening there. Worse, yet, you are alone because everyone else is either where you used to be or where you want to be, unless you have joined some kind of support group or better yet, have a close friend who is going through a similar transition. Even then, there is a tremendous sense of loss, because you have lost your identity. Take divorce for example, until the divorce is final, who are you? You used to be someone’s wife, you had a certain last name and now, you are still not divorced, so you are technically married, but … I hear so often the words: “I just want it to be over with”, like removing a band aid. I don’t know of anyone who would rather have the band aid be pulled off ever so slowly lingering every moment of the sensation of the hairs being pulled off of their skin. And yet, we don’t seem to have the choice, time becomes our enemy and we feel sentenced to our waiting room. Is there a wisdom to any of this?

To the one in the waiting room, there is no wisdom. We have heard and even repeated the concept of being in the moment or being present. But being in the moment, in this case is excruciatingly painful. Being aware of being in limbo does not make it any better. In fact, it makes it worse. Because in that present moment without hope for the future, it is gray , lifeless and lonely. So, once again, what’s the wisdom, what’s the gift of this situation?

When we are in between two worlds, or dying we have the opportunity to consciously experience the transition. We can feel the past and its hold on us, its unfulfilled promises, its hopes, its good times, its bad times, etc. We can feel this and feel into the unknown, the future, what might be, a new experience, new people, etc. And we can feel this now moment that is empty, an empty, lonely place to self-observe, accept, make peace with, say goodbye to, grieve, surrender, and rest. Does it feel good? No, it doesn’t. At least, it doesn’t have the sugary feel good high that we are so accustomed to and enjoy. It feels like the end is here, the end of something that you were so familiar with, and endings are sad. Yes, the optimist in me is nagging me to write, “but with every ending there is a new beginning”. True but this statement is not helpful for the one who is experiencing the ending on bloodied hands and knees. The ending needs its own place of honor. We honor those who pass on and the same way we need to honor the part of us that died in our extreme transition. Waiting rooms of life are opportunities to respect the gravity of the moment. We can remember the good times and that may make it feel lighter, but let’s release judgment and the need to make it better by hanging on to the good times. Let’s let go of these polarities of good vs. bad. Let’s just let it all be, like a quiet moment in a funeral service. It’s ok to be quiet, it’s ok to feel hopeless, it’s ok to feel lonely, it’s ok to feel angry, it’s ok to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It’s our desire to feel what we are not feeling that grips us and squeezes us painfully in an attempt to drag us into the past or push us into the future.

So, if you are in the waiting room of life going through your extreme life transition especially at this time of celebration of the upcoming holidays, don’t fight it. Don’t avoid it, don’t deny it, and don’t make it be what it isn’t. Honor your journey and where it has brought you. When you feel what is, even if it feels like dying, feel into it, so you can once again fully engage in what is yet to be.

Anyone Listening Out There?

2009-12-01T09:25:00.002-05:00

I was a little skeptical of my husband’s claim that people just don’t listen anymore. As a coach, it’s what I do with clients and hanging out with other coaches, we listen to each other when we talk. So, this statement from him got me thinking and looking around. I didn’t have to look too hard. This past weekend we were at a dinner party where I realized that he did have a valid point. It was a small gathering of friends and I noticed that some people just loved to bust into conversations which is fine, but then they didn’t ask what the others were talking about and made assumptions as to where the conversation was going and they talked and talked and gave their opinions and made their suggestions and on and on it went. I also realized that I am teaching our daughter who is 10 to stop doing that at home, but decided that perhaps I’ve been too hard on her as some of the adults I know don’t know any better. How come no one listens anymore?

Is it because we are so stressed and running in so many different directions that when we finally relax with friends and family, we just let loose and unburden ourselves and empty our thoughts to anyone who might care to listen? Is it that we have had to stay quiet and keep our opinions to ourselves, perhaps for fear of losing a job, in a dysfunctional marriage where neither partner has a meaningful conversation with each other anymore, hanging out with young children all day without adult companionship, etc.? Is it that we think that it isn’t cool to be a little quiet at a party and you have to mingle and have something to say even if you really don’t? Somehow, being quiet became uncool and unacceptable which is in contradiction to what most people I meet are looking for in their lives.

This kind of behavior also reminds me of what I’ve noticed about TV. It seems that every second of TV time has to be filled with loud and obnoxious noise and so-called entertainment, so much so that it is hard to tell the commercials from the program. Even after all the noise, there is the news clip running down below our screen just in case we find the noise boring and need more visual distraction. I used to love watching a football game from time to time and now with all the commentaries and noises and loud giant robots smashing into each other, it has taken away from the game and just made it noisy entertainment. No wonder our kids are always telling us they are bored. When you turn off all of that noise, the silence can be deafening if you’ve never heard it before.

Perhaps it is all of this noise and distraction that we fill our lives with that does not allow for true self-expression or communication. Or perhaps, we are being trained that in order to be successful or liked, we have to jump in front of an audience and make the loudest noise possible regardless of whether they care to hear us or not. Technology has made it possible to stay in touch with each other regardless of time or distance, but it has minimized the concept of etiquette or real meaningful communication. I find myself in conversations that get started, but go nowhere, because it is easy to lose the train of thought and start a new one. Frankly, I am confused at what friendship even means these days. Technology has helped reduce our attention span to sound bites less than 140 characters and so we are very direct and to the point in our tweets, but have forgotten to call each other just to hear each other’s voices. The convenience is great, but it cannot replace the old fashioned “hello, how are you?” Followed by a real pause with ears that listen to what the person is really saying and eyes that see what the person is not saying and the space to allow for those much needed quiet moments.

Being quiet may be uncool, but it is what we all either unconsciously, secretly or openly crave. It is in those quiet moments that we find that creative idea, notice the birds or the clouds or…, realize what is really going on with our friend, recognize what we need or want in our own life, and eventually find real joy. When we are filled with that inner joy can we then fully participate in the noise out there and our participation is then received and appreciated. If we are empty we have nothing to give, so let’s take the quiet time to fill up, everyone around us will be glad we did.

Thankful For the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2009-11-23T14:14:00.002-05:00

So often at this time of the year we are asked to give thanks for what we have, our blessings, etc. It is a great exercise in wading in positive feelings of gratitude. However, what happens to what we might not be too happy about? Our so-called mistakes, or short-comings often get neglected by choice. It is as if we don’t want to mix the good with the bad. We are saving the bad for another time. For some, it comes out when they repeat an unwanted pattern and then they proceed to beat themselves over it. Others choose to be reminded of the bad by others (relationships, an incident on the TV or a movie, etc.). Some spend their lives avoiding any such thoughts, or so they think until something happens that pushes it all to the surface.

I am a firm believer in two things: there is no such thing as good or bad; and if you are afraid of something, it’s better to stalk it and face it until it no longer spooks you. Gratitude is an emotion that encompasses this. If you are grateful for the lesson you have learned from your mistake, then you must in a sense be grateful for having made the mistake for if you hadn’t, you might not have learned the lesson. If you feel into this statement, you will notice that the word mistake no longer has power over you and you have faced something dark or negative and nothing bad happened. Life is indeed like opening up a box of chocolates and biting into all of them. There are some you are going to love and some you wish you could spit out. You learned which ones you like and which ones you won’t try again. Being grateful only for the good is like taking out all of the chocolates you like and pretend the ones you don’t like aren’t in the box. Life is a rainbow of colors and flavors and our job is to experience as much of it as we can. For only in the experience are we going to know what we like and what we don’t.

Even in the depths of grief, there is the sweet memory of the one we lost and the love we feel for them still. And unfortunately, at times, it is in losing them that we recognize how much they meant to us. That in itself is the gift of loss. So, in the spirit of this beautiful American Holiday, I would like to ask you to look back into your life and think about your blessings, your talents, and your so-called mistakes, short-comings, or losses. Imagine a basket that contains your entire life experience up until now and imagine all of the events, people, and decisions like small fruits or flowers in this basket. Some are fresh and delicious, and some are not. But they are all there, and you wouldn’t be here in this exact place and in this precise form, if it weren’t for all the fruit and flowers in that basket. Your basket is uniquely yours, you have filled it with its content, it represents all of your choices and experiences. Now, that you have a fresh inventory of the basket, breathe it all in, give thanks and honor all of its content. You are indeed an amazing creator. Keep on creating, don’t close the door on the creations that have caused you pain, for there is wisdom in that pain. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving!

It Can Be a Matter of Conscious Choice

2009-11-17T07:36:00.003-05:00

It can be, because it doesn’t seem like it is all the time. Sometimes it feels like it is not up to us. What am I talking about? I am talking about conscious choice. I’ve written about Charlie, our little dog in the past. He is a little black pug who is so not an alpha dog. Charlie would never have survived in his pack, he would have been the first to have been consumed by the alpha pack leader. He would have been a hindrance to the pack because he would wander off in the woods if he thought he saw a pretty leaf he could chase. He would slow them down. Charlie has a friend he plays with every day, another pug who is female and full of life and energy. She is the one who determines how many circles they run, which direction they go, and who gets to get on top! Charlie doesn’t mind being led. I don’t think Charlie understands how he shows up in life. He just is. His playing with his friend reminds me of how we as humans interact with each other. I wonder how many are truly consciously aware of how we show up, furthermore, if we choose to be or do we?

Recently, I met someone who was very demanding. He was not interested in asking if it was convenient for me, or if I was even interested in what he was talking about. I soon realized that if I continue being nice and make it convenient for him, I would be very unhappy. So, I became more demanding too and explained how I wanted it to be. I didn’t hear back from him again. Making the conscious choice to show up assertive may cost you a friendship, but if you have to let someone rule over you to be their friend, that may not be a friendship at all. On the other hand, you may consciously choose to allow the other person to make certain decisions if those are important to them and not to you. For example, I have a good friend who makes all of our lunch decisions (where to meet and when). I am ok with that, I don’t care where we go, so I let her take charge of that. However, if the place she suggests is inconvenient or I’d rather go somewhere else, I will speak up. I am also certain that she doesn’t mind making all of those decisions. I have a choice and I am aware of the dynamics of our relationship.

The same holds true in our most intimate relationships. If you feel like you are the one who makes all the decisions because your partner won’t, you have to consciously decide if this is the role you want to play. I hear so many complaints from women who feel like they do all the “work” in the relationship. Yet, I never hear if they actually have allowed their partner to do some of the “work”. Yes, I use the word allow, because it is about allowing. When you want things done your way and at your speed, you are not interested in the work getting done, you are interested in having your way. That need to control translates as not allowing. So, our partners avoid helping out and let us do it ourselves because they know that whatever they do will not be good enough.

This past weekend, my husband and I went out to a concert and a babysitter took care of the kids. She was the perfect baby sitter. The kids and the dog were well taken care of. Once she left and I looked down, I noticed that there were leaves all over the floors and the rugs. I guess the kids and/or her must have taken the dog out and tracked the leaves all back into the house. I felt a tinge of annoyance, and then I remembered how glad I was to have had a night out alone with my husband and a great babysitter who didn’t mind staying over until well into midnight. Allowing is about accepting all that is, just the way that it is, even if it isn’t quite the way you’d like it to be. That night I consciously chose to be grateful and content. I consciously chose to put my attention on what truly mattered. I would have had nice clean floors if we hadn’t gone out that night, but I would have also missed out on a great date! We spend so much time on things that truly don’t matter to us and we have done it so many times that we don’t even notice it when we do it. All of the years of practice at giving our attention to things we don’t really care about has dulled our awareness and robbed us of recognizing our own personal choices. We give away our power in a hundred different ways each day and then we wonder why we aren’t happy. To make matters worse, we try to control our environment to bring a sense of order and/or balance back again and all that does is make it worse.

So, the next time you feel helpless, exhausted, or angry about a situation that involves someone else, ask yourself what really matters and how you have co-created the situation? Once you know and are clear on what really matters in that situation, then you can do or be as needed. However, you have to take responsibility for the consequences of your action or words. People may or may not be happy with an empowered version of you and that is the chance you are taking. Make the conscious choice and watch what happens…

Does The Truth Have a Chance?

2009-11-09T13:18:00.005-05:00

Since last week’s post, I’ve been pre-occupied with the truth. I’ve been catching myself looking for it everywhere and noticing that somehow it has lost its clout. No one seems to be interested in it. I am also reminded of that great line from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the Jack Nicholson character says: “you can’t handle the truth”. It makes me wonder if we really can’t handle the truth. Or is it simply that the truth is not as interesting or shocking as the stuff we make up or is made up for us.

Last night I watched the CBS News (60 Minutes) interview of Andre Agassi by Katie Couric and I watched the truth try to make an appearance despite being shoved into drama, turned into gossip, and nailed by gotcha journalism. I didn’t expect this from 60 Minutes and especially when the guy they were interviewing had already confessed everything, but I am learning that there is little difference these days between any of the so-called news shows on TV. For those of you who missed the show, Agassi has written a new book (to be out today), an auto-biography called Open. In it he confesses to a lot of things including taking crystal meth, wearing a hair weave, and hating tennis. Mind you, Andre Agassi is a retired and respected tennis player who is married to another retired and famous tennis player and is an active philanthropist. Between the two of them, they live a very comfortable life. Writing this book is not going to make or break his lifestyle. With the camera up close, it was clear that his reason for writing this book was to be open and honest about himself and a step in his atonement for his mistakes of the past. He could have let it all be, no one would have known or cared about any of this. His image would have been untarnished and he would have remained a great tennis star. Instead, he chose to come clean, to speak the truth. To me, this was wonderfully refreshing, especially coming from the guy who made “image is everything” a famous line. Instead, Katie Couric kept on asking him things like how many times did he take crystal meth, for how long, how does he feel about what others are saying about him, etc. This was a moment where we could have found out more about what speaking his truth means for him, if he could go back in time, what would he change if anything, what are his hopes for his children, etc. I could think of a dozen questions that would have honored his speaking his truth and left us inspired or compassionate and curious towards people living lives so different than ours.

This interview got me thinking again about our lack of interest in the truth and our lack of patience and even tolerance for those who are being truthful. We would rather not believe them. As Katie Couric said, some of us might have thought that he was just being whiny or trying to sell his book. Any twisted, negative rationale is ok, but the truth. I hope I am wrong, and I hope that people can see and feel beyond what was demonstrated on TV and continues to be demonstrated 24/7. I hope that truth becomes fashionable again, because it is pretty potent, but if we keep on avoiding it we are just feeding into the illusion we are living in. I can’t imagine that this is what we choose. I hope that we can indeed handle the truth. I am certain that Mr. Agassi feels like a huge burden has been lifted. He doesn’t have to be anyone’s tennis star or fulfill anyone else’s dream. In fact, he has liberated himself from that pedestal. He is free to be himself if he chooses so. I wish him all the best.

What Does Truth Have To Do With It?

2009-11-03T09:09:00.003-05:00

He has been officially separated from his wife and even lives in another state. He comes into town every weekend to visit the kids and spends the weekends on the driveway or in the garage (where he is allowed to be). The kids don’t want to be around him, they blame him for everything. He doesn’t know that we know about it. He still pretends that he is commuting back and forth and that the house is theirs and everything is ok. I don’t say anything one way or the other, I don’t want to intrude and I don’t want to be drawn into the drama. I go along with his stories even though I have heard the ugly version from his wife. This is a story of someone I casually know and spending the weekend listening to him tell his story to others, I realized how much he still might believe it to be true.

He made me think about the stories I exchange with others. Once we repeat the same story over and over, we believe it too. It’s what politicians do best, it is what churches and other religious institutions have done for centuries, it is what corporations do (except their disgruntled employees know otherwise, and spread their own stories. But the corporations are more powerful and can spread their stories more efficiently and can reach a wider audience), it’s what families and cultures do, and on and on it goes. In fact, when we get together with people, it provides the perfect opportunity to exchange our stories. He tells his story, we tell ours, or someone else’s whose story we like, and pretty soon by the end of the gathering we leave more convinced that our story is indeed true, especially if others bought into it and we even have some fresh stories that we can spread around.

In my neighborhood, the common story is about H1N1 vaccinations. Having two school aged kids, I admit, I get sucked right into it. We all share our knowledge about the latest whether it be which pediatrician is giving them out to which towns have been inoculated to conspiracy theories, etc. We are all concerned about our children’s health and probably our own too. We are frustrated with the fact that there is no clear communication about where and when we can get vaccinated. We are unclear about how serious this threat is. In summary, we don’t have enough information. And because it might be a matter of life and death (especially when we listen to the nightly news and hear about the town next to ours who had the latest fatality, etc.), we go into fear mode. This is the perfect environment for creating drama to feed into our fears. The feeding keeps the fear alive and strong, it makes us be right, so it feeds into our self-righteousness, we keep on talking and obsessing about it, we attract those who might not have been afraid, and it keeps on getting bigger and bigger. At this point, we are willing to lie, cheat and steal to get the vaccine, which I am afraid I am seeing happen in my neighborhood.

So, what happened to the truth? And does it matter? At this stage in the game, you have chaos and fear together hand in hand with extremely strong convictions and delusions about matters of life and death of young children! This is an extremely dangerous concoction that could easily get out of control. I know with my neighbors, that no one at this stage is really interested in the truth. They just want the vaccine. Going back to my friend with his delusions about his life and marriage, I wonder how interested he is in the truth. Once you live inside the stories that you have created, you have no reason to be interested in what may be considered as neutral and disarming. From my perspective, accepting a failed marriage and visiting the kids at the court appointed times is a lot easier to handle than travelling back and forth every weekend, sitting in a cold rental car, waiting for kids who don’t want to see you, and lying to everyone you meet. On the other hand, his choice of lifestyle is more exciting, complicated, exhausting, and sure to draw sympathy from whomever might know the truth. He also gets to avoid the pain that he might feel if he accepted his role in the dissolution of their marriage. And as a bonus, there is the possibility that she might feel sorry for him one day and let him come inside and his story would be true after all.

Whether we are living inside our human-made stories in our personal lives, or out there in mass consciousness which is fed by us, the media, and all of our friends and families, we are separated from the truth. We believe what we want to believe, and we have done it enough times that we believe that it is the truth. We spend our lives proving our stories to be true and because everyone else is doing it too, we have no reason to stop. The only time we stop is when we are tired of the drama, we are in search of the truth, or our story got so out of hand that we got called on it. So, the next time you find yourself convinced of something that does not bring you peace of mind/heart/soul and body, ask yourself if it is true. Is it true that you have to do whatever it is you are doing, is it true that the government is out to get you, is it true that your life is going to end if you leave your job, your family, your (fill in the blank), is it true that she/he hates you, etc. Is it really true?

Patience

2009-10-27T09:21:00.002-04:00

This is part 5 of a five part series on tools for going through life transitions.

The last tool when going through a major life transition is patience. Often times, we just want to zoom through our changes and get to the end. The attitude of having to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow can dissolve the power from the other tools like self-acceptance. You cannot be accepting of you and what is when you are in a rush to get to the end. A difficult transition requires lots of patience and gentleness. When you have altered your course in life, you are traveling on unknown roads. It may be scary or unfamiliar and patience helps you on your journey.

When you lose someone you’ve loved deeply, you may feel lost without them, buried in grief, patience is the only tool that can help you get through the darkest nights. Sometimes, we want to numb ourselves by keeping company, or doing stuff and when our friends are not available or we run out of things to do, we may find loneliness as a prison that we tried so hard to get away from. But loneliness is temporary and it will pass. In the middle of a transition, it could be your companion if you choose to look at it that way. Patience with yourself and this in-between phase is critical. It truly makes the time go by easier. You might find your creativity blossoming in those quiet and lonely moments, if you are accepting of it. If you fight it, get impatient and try to force things to happen, creativity will stay away until you are done playing your game. When you do get impatient, remember you changed your life, or something has changed, by definition, the old ways/rules do not apply anymore. Change is just what it means, different. Different is what we say we want, but we are not prepared to deal with the unfamiliarity that comes with it. Our brain cannot come up with new solutions, it only knows what it has known from the past. I have written about trust in past posts (September 08 and July 09), and this is where self-trust becomes crucial. Along with self-trust will come new solutions from new places foreign to your head.

Creativity is a gift that is waiting for you to stop doing, stop rushing into the future, stop numbing yourself and denying what is. Creativity is waiting for you to get silent, truly silent. Creativity will creep up on you when you are present. You’ll find yourself creating in a way that you may have had a long time ago, perhaps even back when you were a child. You will find yourself filled with a peaceful sense of being and from that place even making a simple meal for yourself will be a joyful event. You may decide to rearrange your furniture, or buy new drapes, or paint your bedroom a different color. You may decide to take dance lessons or go on that long awaited adventurous trip you never took, or simply clean out the attic. Whatever it is you do, is coming not from compulsion or duty, but from joy. You will be filled with an inner sense of joy and peace that is inexplicable. Nothing in your outer world has changed and if you think about it, your joy seems senseless, yet more real than any feeling you may have ever felt. When you practice patience in your journey, especially through the difficult times, you will be gifted with these precious moments consistently. So, step back and see the big picture, observe yourself in it, accept what is, honor everyone you’ve ever encountered, and be patient. These five tools are the essential tools in living a big life. If you fall off the wagon, and notice that you have not been using one of the tools, then go back and pick it up. It takes lots of practice! I wish you unspeakable peace and joy on your journey…

Honor

2009-10-21T09:49:00.002-04:00

This is part 4 of a series on tools for going through major life transitions.

Tool #4 in going through life transitions is the ability and practice of honoring everyone, especially those who may have hurt us. Honor is similar to self-acceptance and self-respect but it is done for the other. It is also something that you can practice doing regularly throughout the day. It takes away the need for righteousness or the need to be right. In fact, it is almost like pouring cold water on that live wire that is sizzling with self-righteousness. It fine tunes and focuses the image you see in your big picture. When you can honor people who drive you crazy or even characters in the news who are portrayed as truly evil, you are able to see more clearly and into farther distances. You can disentangle from the pangs of judgment that you may have experienced when you first encountered someone who did something you consider wrong. It feels like when the Novocain sets in and you begin to feel nothing. It allows you to expand your consciousness so you can feel grander than your human story.

Honor is about accepting others for where they are at, no matter what. You don’t have to condone or agree with their actions or words, but you can still honor them for their experience and the role they play in your journey. I personally have learned more from the difficult people in my life than from those I’ve had agreeable relationships with. It is as if the tension in the relationship is a lesson ready to be unwrapped. So often we get stuck in our own opinions, our way of being brought up and our view of the world that we need to be shaken up a bit. The horror in the news provides that shake up, the opening of the eyes, the soul, and the heart to understanding a bigger world. Once we allow the other to be as they are (by the simple practice of honoring), we have stretched our reality and this makes everything easier. We are now free to expand and move into a new place and a new experience.

Tool #4 or honor can also make self-love or self-acceptance easier. If you are having difficulty with self-acceptance, then honoring others will loosen things up and you will find that now you can use tool #3 more easily. Also, if you are wondering how to use honor, it is very simple. Just practice saying it out loud or in your own head when someone makes you mad. Start with the easy ones, not some serial killer in the news or an abusive parent. Start with the rude person you encountered at the grocery store. If it feels fake, keep on saying it until it does not. Then you can use it with people who have hurt you in a deeper way. Try it at least for a week consistently and decide for yourself if you sense a change or a shift.

Stay tuned for tool #5 in next week’s post!