Top 10 Apologies

Most of my clients are women. The women I work with are very self-aware and know what they’d like to change or improve. Sometimes, their self-awareness can backfire, especially, when it leads to excessive apologizing.

What makes women apologize for so much? Here’s my top 10 list of what women apologize for:

1)    Their choices/decisions
2)    Hurting someone’s feelings
3)    Their success
4)    Working long hours
5)    Not being more available to their children/spouse/parents/friends
6)    Not having a perfect family
7)    Not having a perfect home/house
8)    Spending too much money
9)    Not being a perfect mother
10)    Not doing more

If you are a professional woman and find yourself apologizing for any of these, you may want to consider working with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching can help you become more confident in your choices so you don’t have to apologize for being you. Contact me for a 30 minute complimentary coaching conversation to determine if this is for you.

Balance Is Relevant To Productivity

Carol is an extrovert. She is energized when she is with people. She needs to socialize to keep herself motivated to do the other tasks that require individual attention and are solitary by nature. Carol often finds herself out of balance where she would rather do what comes naturally (socializing, networking, supporting and reaching out to others) than focusing on parts of her work that require planning and strategizing. In fact, she puts off those solitary tasks so much so that after months of avoidance, she feels scattered and unmotivated.

We all have aspects of our work that we enjoy and those we don’t. How do you balance what you like with what you don’t like to do? Here are my tips:

1)    Invite Them Both To The Table

When coaching Carol, I have to remind her of her strengths and her natural tendencies. Her own mind tells her to buckle down and get things done. That attitude however, is not working for her. The professionals I coach, all know what needs to be done, they just seem to have forgotten how to motivate themselves to do those things. Every one of us likes doing certain things and dislikes others. Balance is about inviting those tasks we dislike into the realm of what we do like to do.

When Carol focuses on planning and strategizing, her energy level drops. When Carol plans social events, her energy levels start to rise again. In fact, when Carol plans social events throughout the year, it gives her something to look forward to. Once that is taken care of, planning for what she does not enjoy as much, isn’t a dreadful task.

2)    Reduce Resistance

The goal of balance is not to start loving what you hate. The goal is to reduce resistance and avoidance. Once you resist doing something, you avoid certain tasks, and it can snowball. After a while, when it is impossible to avoid the job at hand, it is so big and you are so out of practice that the task becomes impossible. Carol will never enjoy what she doesn’t like, but by consistently inviting the disliked tasks into the realm of the liked, she is not resisting them either.

3)    Pay Attention To What You Like

Carol gets excited talking about the aspects of her work that she enjoys. She often finds herself lost or distracted like a child on Christmas morning going through all the gifts and not knowing which one of her new toys to play with. This is good! By keeping an on-going list of all the things she’d rather be doing, she is giving them the attention they deserve. The list is always there for her to choose from when she has the time. This way, she knows that she has her list and she is not forgetting anything. In addition, she has a list she likes and looks forward to going to!

Can you think of anything else that works for you? Please feel free to share your strategies. Also, if you are interested in engaging in a coaching conversation around balance and productivity, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching session.

Disconnecting From Our Families

Why is it that the most complicated and challenging relationships are with the ones closest to us? I often hear that my clients get along well with co-workers and friends.  In fact, their out-of-family network is healthy and thriving. The story is somewhat different when it comes to the spouse, parents, siblings, and children. Here are some factors that come into play when relating to people closest to us:

1)    Role Play

Chances are if you are having difficulties with your child, it is because you are acting like a parent. When you identify with your role as a mother or a father, you act like what you think a mother or a father should act like. This of course has a lot to do with your upbringing and your own role models. So, it is a bit complicated. I am not a psychologist, so I won’t go there. What I do suggest though is to drop the role.

Listen like you are listening to someone seated next to you on the bus, listen without agenda, listen without judgment, listen like a coach, just listen and you will learn a lot about your child. Then, you’ll know if any action on your part is required. We often take our roles so seriously, and our kids also play into that act. How would you talk to a husband or a sister or a son if they weren’t related to you? Step back and stay objective. See them for who they are outside of their familial connection to you.

2)    Responsibility

Once you’ve dropped the “I am the parent” or “I am the dutiful son” or whatever it is you are identifying with, drop the responsibilities that come with that. I know, this is the most difficult one. We all want to be good parents, spouses, and daughters and sons. This means we want to be responsible for our role as a son, daughter, wife, husband, mother, or father. Furthermore this means, we have to be sensitive, accommodating, caring, generous, available, etc. All of these things deplete us of our sense of self. In other words, we take on our roles seriously, we become responsible for making it better for our family members at the risk of being less responsible for our own well being.

How often have you neglected to keep your own appointments, because you had to take someone else to theirs? When was the last time you skipped your exercise routine or a lunch date with a friend to be there for your family? As I write this, I can sense my own alarm going off! No, please don’t ignore your family so you can hang out with your friends, unless you want to of course! What I am suggesting is that when you become depleted by taking care of others, and being responsible for their well being, you have little left to give. You become resentful, imbalanced, emotional, and unhealthy either physically or mentally.

So, what do you do the next time you are in a situation where someone close to you needs your help? Stay clear and understand what is being asked of you, what you can do, what you want to do, and how it all affects your own well being. Is there some way where you can do both? How can you take care of yourself and be compassionate and helpful to your family? When do you say enough is enough, now I have to take care of me?

At the end of the day, you are only responsible for you. “You” includes all the things that keep you healthy, balanced and happy.


3)    Expectation

When you are playing your role, you also expect your family member to play their respective role. Often times, they don’t. You may act like a good son, taking care of your elderly parent, but they are now acting like a child, what do you do? If you drop your role, you can see more clearly what is going on and make decisions based on the truth of what is happening and not the emotions of being a good son. Dropping the act and not identifying with your role brings clarity to a challenging situation. Once you stop seeing your parent as your parent, and more as an objective person listening to what is being said, you can act objectively. This objectivity reduces drama and stress in your relationships. You can then go into problem solving mode and make more rational choices.

The family members may still have expectations of you, and that is where it might get sticky. With practice, they will understand that you are not going to give in to their demands or drama. It takes clarity of mind to know what is happening and to stay clear of unhealthy attachments no matter how much you may love the person who is demanding your attention.

The same goes for you. In other words, drop your expectations of others. No one owes you a thing. If you want to be a martyr, it is your choice. Whatever it is you do, do it because you want to do it and take full responsibility for your own well being while you are doing it. There is no best parent, husband, or daughter awards. In fact, there might not even be any appreciation for what you are doing. If you are doing it for you, then you won’t care.

If you are having challenges in your close relationships and would like to try out some of the suggestions in this blog post, you may want to consider working with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is about learning how to be objective in every situation, especially the most challenging ones. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation to determine if you’d like to work with a spiritual life coach.

Uncertainty Instigates Drama

I like to know how the story ends. I like to be prepared. I like to know what all my options are. I like all this because it gives me a sense of peace and calm. I don’t like dealing with emergencies or making impulsive decisions at the last minute. I like to have time to think and plan. I like to be in control. I like to be smart and make smart decisions.

When people who find themselves agreeing with the statements above are faced with uncertainty where they cannot be prepared, don’t know what all their options are, don’t have a sense of peace and calm, have to deal with last minute emergencies, cannot plan or think, are not in control of a situation, and do not feel like they can make smart decisions, they are smack in the middle of a tornado of internal drama.

Drama in this case is closely related to anxiety. Not knowing can make anyone anxious. In order to relieve the pressure of not knowing, some people make up scenarios, and come up with action plans based on all the possible scenarios they can think of. This of course, makes them even more anxious because they realize that there are many possible scenarios that they have not or cannot think about! This is how internal drama caused by uncertainty becomes a destructive tornado creating chaos in its path.

I admit I am susceptible to such tornadoes! What works for me is a counter intuitive reaction. Instead of fighting the forces of uncertainty (sometimes they feel forceful), I give in to them. I take a deep breath and welcome the opportunity they present. Change can be chaotic and forceful, so go with it. This requires letting go of judgment and expectation. It is like standing in the wind and not worrying if it is going to blow away your hat and where it might end up. It is about surrendering to the fact that you may or may not find your hat.

When you do your best, you can let go of expectation. In fact, you must let go of expectation. All anyone of us can control is ourselves , our own attitudes and reactions. If we can get to the point where we are pleased with what we have done, then it is time to let go. As hard as it may seem, when you willingly let go, it is a relief. It can even be less of a battle. Letting go together with a good dose of patience, can be liberating during the winds of uncertainty.

If you are going through some wild winds where nothing seems to be in your control. Take a deep breath, and consider working with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is about learning how to gracefully let go of what does not work anymore. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation to determine if spiritual coaching is for you.

Transitions

When faced with tough decisions, it is easy to get distracted with emotions that creep up out of nowhere and sabotage your ability to move forward. If you are unaware of what is happening, the emotions can layer upon each other and soon you’ll feel immobilized, full of anxiety and overwhelmed. What makes this even worse, is that you feel like you either can’t or don’t want to share any of it with those close to you for fear of even more emotional turmoil.

Take the example of someone who is considering retirement. Once they have decided that it would be nice to spend the rest of their time enjoying life and giving back to the causes near and dear to their heart, they might even be thinking of moving to another town or even country, selling their house, etc. These thoughts actually get them excited, almost like the time after college when anything seemed possible, and they were open to it all. And now they share their big news with a son or a daughter who lives nearby depending on them for emergency childcare, extra support, somewhere to go for Sunday dinners, etc. Imagine the emotions and drama that follow.

It is easy in the case above to feel like you are abandoning your responsibilities and not being a good mother or father. After all, you’ve had a good life and been able to raise your family, now it is time to be there for your children and grandchildren. Can you see the entangled mess that this path of thinking can take you to? Layer upon layer of beliefs about responsibility, family ties, martyrdom, sacrifice, neediness, and righteousness added to the fear of taking a chance, doing something different, following your soul’s desire make it impossible to feel good about any decisions in this matter. And those you usually go to for support or advice somehow have their own agenda in all of this. It is natural to feel alone and overwhelmed.

This however does not pertain to just retirement decisions. This is what happens during any kind of major transition. You find yourself alone and overwhelmed. This is when it is important to seek the services of a professional coach who specializes in transitions or life changes. In my transition coaching sessions, clients find that they can think for themselves again. They can gain the clarity that was missing prior to our meeting. They can separate fact from fiction, beliefs from the truth, and then they can make tough decisions without doubt.

Transition coaching is not about taking away the pain, it is about being clear about what is yours and what is not. Transition coaching allows the client to reconnect with their own personal power which they gave away in order to make everyone else happy, or so they thought.

If you are facing a major life or work transition and would like to find out if transition coaching is for you, contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation.

Sitting On The Fence

It is inevitable. Whenever you are sitting on the fence about something, sooner or later you will be pushed to jump off and make a decision one way or the other. It is as if, by putting yourself on the fence you are announcing to the world that you are ready to make a move even if you aren’t absolutely sure in which direction. Then something happens and you are forced to do it. At least that’s the way I see it.

Unfortunately, many of my coaching clients don’t see it that way. In fact, most get caught up in the wind or the events that pushed them off the fence. They start analyzing what happened, how it happened, and why it happened. These explorations leave them anxious, angry, and ultimately empty. They try to justify their position, blame the person or the event that caused this push, and in the end they feel powerless and victim like. This is when our coaching sessions typically begin.

My job when a client feels like something  unfair has happened to them is to take them back to the point before the event. I often ask them, “were you completely satisfied with your life/work before X, Y or Z happened?” “If not, what were you looking to change?” And then, “what is stopping you from making that change now?” In other words, I try to take the attention away from the spark that lead to the fire, so they can focus on the fire and make decisions about what to do next. 

When facing a major life or work transition it becomes easier if we focus on what needs our attention now. Yet, people going through major transitions find themselves obsessively thinking the same thoughts and going around in circles trying to understand how the spark came to be. They intellectualize and analyze all the possible scenarios. They tire themselves out with judgments like: “it is so unfair”, or “I never did/said the things I am accused of doing/saying”, or “I am qualified for/deserve so much more”, … Their anxiety level goes through the roof, they start having difficulty sleeping thinking the same thoughts, until they make the appointment to see their coach or therapist.

Spiritual life coaching is about helping the client see the truth as it is in the now moment. I help my spiritual life coaching clients notice the present moment so t hey can make better decisions about where they want to go. Worrying about the future by analyzing the past to death is not going to pave the way for a more fulfilling future. When the client can see the spark for what it was (just a spark), they can let go of their victim so they can be their true empowered selves wherever they choose to go. 

If you are interested in a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation, contact me. I work with people going through all kinds of transitions.

The Private Nature of Transitions

The transition process is challenging whether it be a divorce, loss of a loved one, or loss of a job. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that the light is shining on you. Eyes are on the person going through this change. With that come opinions, judgments, and projections. So, now you have a person trying to manage her own grief, sense of loss, confusion, and uncertainty and you are adding the harshness of other people’s judgments and expectations. It is a poisonous combination.

When my clients are going through challenging transitions, I always ask them to be gentle towards themselves. This gentleness is not because they cannot handle the challenge, it is because a transition is just as much about a birth as much as it is about death.

A new person will emerge from this change, this new person has to go through the stages of growth just like a new born baby. In order for the new born baby to thrive, it needs to be cared for tenderly.  Just like a new parent shies away from crowds, staying home and immersing himself in the care and love of his new baby, people going through transitions need to be with themselves away from crowds.

And just like a new parent who is getting bombarded with unwanted advice, the new person emerging from a transition, needs to be shielded from unwanted advice. It is not that advice itself is of no value. It is just that the person is being reborn, recreated, and unsolicited advice can be rough and even damaging to their new creation. They need to figure it out by themselves.

When you lose a loved one, you are not only facing their loss, you are facing the “you” without them. This “you” is someone you are not familiar with. This “you” needs to form its own roots and become what it intends to become without the tweaking and twisting of others, free from the pain of loss. This process takes time and requires patience and gentleness.

Losing a job isn’t so much about losing a source of income as it is about losing who you were when you were employed. When people come at you with: “oh, you can now stay home and be with the kids”, or “you can retire now”, or “when my cousin lost his job, he…”, it is denying the opportunity for the new “you” to form in its own way and on its own time. They have their plans, suggestions, expectations, judgments, assumptions, and advice, and you are trying to learn how to wake up being the new you. You have your own demons, inner critics, judgments, confusion, beliefs, and doubts. You don’t need to carry on their’s.

So, if you are going through a difficult transition, remember that it is an intimate and private process. You don’t have to share your plans with anyone else. You can graciously bow out of being in the spot light. This does not mean shutting people out. It means nurturing yourself by being in the company of those who can be gentle with you. You don’t owe anyone any answers. When you know you are ready to share, then and only then, you can choose to go in the spotlight. Your baby is a toddler now and it can certainly thrive through playing and engaging with others!
 
If you are going through a challenging transition and are uncertain about how to be, what to say, and how to keep it all together, you may want to work with a spiritual life coach. Spiritual life coaching is about creating a safe space for exploration, learning how to be gentle with yourself and the freedom to express thoughts that you might be afraid of expressing to those who have agendas of their own. Contact me for a complimentary 30 minute coaching conversation to determine if you would like to work with me.